So I just may be losing my mind but I've become a candidate for joining a diet study. OHSU is conducting this study on the McDougall Diet which is an extremely low fat, vegan diet. I'm not one to believe a diet is going to change my life or even the ultimate course my MS will take. I do however think it's a no brainer that a healthy diet and some good old fashioned exercise is bound to make anyone feel better, awesomely diseased or not. Every single day I think about the changes I need to make in order to just be more healthy, and my diet is like, number two on that list. This could definitely be an amazing opportunity to learn some sweet skills in regards to being more healthy, and it also offers the chance (if included in the actual "diet" portion of the study) for two MRI's over the course of a year, free of charge. This is huge, since we all know how ridiculously expensive the MRI's are.

 With the MRI's researchers are hoping to make some correlations between the diet and any physical effects on the brain, however I am skeptical on the reliability. Much like the disease modifying drugs, do we ever really know whether it's the meds or just the course our MS chooses to take? Anyway aside from this researchers will also monitor participants about every eight weeks and measure possible changes in mood, memory, and fatigue. I am much more apt to believe that these are things a good diet could definitely improve. I think I mentioned that the study is one year long. There would be 52 participants, and only half will be chosen to partake in the diet. The other half of the participants will maintain their regular diet throughout the year, but will still make visits to the clinic every eight weeks for testing to measure their mood, memory, and levels of fatigue. I do not believe the MRI's are included in the non-diet portion of the study, but I'm hoping that's not the case.

Did I mention there's like a boot camp for this diet? So if randomly chosen to be included in the "McDougall" portion of the study, you are flown to Santa Rosa, Ca. to spend ten days learning the ins and outs of preparing foods. The trip is completely payed for, or obviously I wouldn't even be considering this. I have to say the thought of ten ays away from home surrounded by a bunch of health nuts is just a wee bit terrifying, but I think the benefits would far outweigh any "inconvenience" that a completely free trip might bring my way.  

I'm still waiting to hear back after sending in papers for the release of my medical files and what not, so time will tell whether or not this really happens. I'm hoping I get into the study, although there's a little part of me that wouldn't be totally crushed if it doesn't happen. I suppose this is the same part of me that really loves things like lamb and chocolate. Yep. Lamb. Chocolate. Sorry vegans.

Therapy session number one went well, although I wouldn't say I was bowled over by the awesomeness of my therapist. Really though, I shouldn't be too harsh as it was just appointment one after all. I had an awesome case of the cog fog, which didn't really help in terms of trying to express myself. I think we made some decent headway and although she did bring up anti-depressants, I let her know that my goal before trying something like that would be to talk through things and see if I couldn't figure out some of this head shit on my own. We talked a bit about my "future" issues and I was every so slightly put off by her reaction to the whole "kids" discussion. While I'm not sure that kids are in the cards for me, since one day it sounds like an awesome idea, and the next day I am thoroughly disgusted with the thought of human beings reproducing in the first place, I'm not sure I felt like she really "got" where I was coming from. In expressing my concern or "fear" over the whole deal, she let me know that these are concerns that anyone would feel. Well yes, parenting is huge. It's a big thing for everyone. However we're talking about me here, and I'm talking about a hypothetical fear about having a kid and my level of disability getting to a point where I'd be a super lame parent. Ah, lame...haaha funny. But whatever, I'm ridiculously oversensitive and over analytical a decent majority of the time. There we go, that's a good topic to bring up at my next session right?
 
One of the funny things we discussed were various reactions I may have had in telling people I have MS and some of the regret I feel in telling certain people. I'm sure we all have a few of these in our lives. So let me just share with you the one person that I wish to God I would have never told...the milk man, yes, the milk man. He delivers to my work, and I've known the dude for seven years now. He's super nice, Mr. Chatty for sure, which doesn't always fly when I'm trying to get milk put away and do fifty other things at once. Anyhow, he noticed last year that I was out of work for about a week, which was all thanks to my nightmare of an LP and subsequent blood patch. So I get come back to work he was curious where I'd been, so I told him what was going on. Wrong turn. Total wrong turn. Of course his neighbor has MS and she's like, the picture of health. Awesome, good for her. And here come the questions...gotta love the questions. So how do they know it's really MS? How's your MS this week? Have you heard that story about that lady with MS who was bed ridden and then decided to give a gift a day for 29 days and is totally healthy now? Cause you know, so much of it is a "mind" thing? Ah yes, and I've gotten the newspaper clippings about the mother battling MS who's this total fighter and like, supporting her entire family because her husband is dying of a brain tumor or something. While I understand this may be coming from a really good (mind you unbelievably ignorant and annoying) place, I am just about to tell him to shut the fuck up. I am at work, I am feeling great, and I don't feel like talking about M-fucking-S right now. Period. Don't you know someone with cancer that you can go bug? Seriously, that shit is way more interesting. So I have decided that the next time Mr. Chatty shows up to deliver some milk, and asks me how the old MS is doing this week, I'm going to inform him that my awesomely interesting disease is no longer going to be a conversation piece. The challenge will be doing it in a fashion that doesn't make seem like a moody, crazy bitch.

For those of you who don’t already know, I am from Oregon. Jackie is from Michigan. So we’ve got a bit of distance between us. Thanks to the wonders of the internet, I felt like I knew her long before we got to meet, but as she mentioned my visit to Michigan was our first time getting to chill in like, real life. So my visit to Michigan was a blast. Having the opportunity to hang out with Jackie was amazing, and she was even more rad than I could have hoped. I feel so fortunate to have been able to actually spend time with someone else who is living with MS. I think there is so much to say about this sense of community that is out there in regards to MS or any other chronic illness, and being able to really connect with other people who have a much better handle on what you're going through not only physically but emotionally. Duh, like we haven't all said this before, but I guess I felt the need to re-state. I am closing in on one year since my diagnosis, and while I know I'd still be trucking along even without the MS community that I have found, I don't like to imagine that scenario. It was huge for me to spend some real time with Jackie, whose friendship has been life changing and irreplaceable. After five days of hanging out with this lady, I definitely came home with more of a "can do" attitude. Getting through the two solid days of travel made me feel like way more of a tough chick than I generally give myself credit for, and we did plenty of walking and hanging out in the elements...and I didn't die!! Anyway this trip was totally therapeutic...some good girl time, a chance to step out of my comfort zone, and a reevaluation of what I am physically capable (which is again, more than I give myself credit for). All around awesomeness. I am already making plans for Jackie's visit to Oregon this summer! She's totally gonna go home a tree-hugger. 

So speaking of therapy...it was a month or more ago that I made the appointment to start seeing a therapist, and tonight is my first appointment. Finally. I have definitely had some highs and lows over the last few months, but especially since my visit to see Jackie I have been thinking that I seriously don't need to the therapy after all. I am feeling pretty a-ok in the emotions department, but I know how quickly that can all go to shit. So, I'm trying to remember that even though I'm not in the depths of despair anymore, and I don't currently feel like punching everyone I know in the face...it's gonna be a good thing. Here’s to my therapist being as fucking awesome as Jackie’s.

Well.

I had my first meeting with my new therapist last Friday. Shes fucking awesome. Yes. So awesome she deserved the word "fuck" in her introductory sentence. Seriously. I have this fear now that for some reason it won't work out but again, I'm working on the positivity thing. Shes great honestly. She totally got it. She totally got me. She totally gets chronic illness.

I will now totally recommend that if you decide you want/need therapy (and I truthfully think everyone needs therapy for one thing or another) that you seek out someone with experience or a specialty in chronic illness. Wow what a difference it makes.

I'm really excited to go again, and start working through some of these issues. Shes so real. She swears...a lot. And for someone like me, that like makes me feel comfortable in a strange way. It shows me shes real. She actually talked to me, instead of just listening. She acknowledged how shitty things are in my life as opposed to just letting me vent. She even blantatly asked me how I haven't gone crazy, or gone off the deep end at this point. I really think she and I will get a long.

I see her again next week and its times like this that I wish that the session was longer than an hour and that I could afford to see her like 8 times a week. I'm ready to get my life back. I'm ready to learn how to deal with this and I'm ready to start over. I think starting this now is a great time because hopefully I can get my shit together before the new year and have 2010 start out great and I can make a whole bunch of resolutions (that I won't keep) but will feel positive about.

Today I got asked again if I was disabled....again. How the crap do I answer that. So I asked if that meant legally, like on social security. The woman said not necessarily, but it had to be documented by a doctor....So I said yes. Yes, I am disabled. I figured it might not be every damn day, but there are definitely some days that I am disabled and damn it my doctor better back me up on that shit.

Lately, I've been having a lot of mental/emotional ups and downs. The last 2 days have been great. I feel better. I have more energy. I still look like shit, but I'm really trying to let it bother me less. I've also decided to start therapy...again, starting tonight. I've switched over and I'd say I'm like 80% Gluten Free now and I don't know if that has made a difference or if my medications are really starting to work now or maybe a combo of both...but the colitis department is slowly getting better. I actually slept through the night last night. OH MAN! I've also put myself on a diet until Thanksgiving. I love to eat and I refuse to deny myself Thanksgiving, but until then its Boost shakes and healthy dinners. Honestly, I love Boost shakes, they taste awesome, they are Gluten Free, and I really do think they give me more energy. They should give them to me for free because I talk so awesomely about them.

Anyway. I was really in one helluva rut there for a while and I'm really trying to make some positive changes. I didn't really feel depressed but I noticed I was having more and more breakdowns, so I just decided to do whatever I can to pull myself out. That means therapy, a haircut, Boost shakes and working out again. Working out is the tough one. I still can't really do a whole lot, can't work hard, can't work very long. But damn it, I'm tired of feeling so awful ALL the time. Its time to be proactive.

I'm tired of waiting around until the doctor says that I can get off these medications. I keep thinking once I'm off then, I'll feel better, look better and so on but the reality is it wouldn't kill me to try to do all of that now. I may have to put in more effort to do it, but I can't let myself get lost in a depression. I dont have the time, money, or energy to pull myself out of that. So heres to taking life by the proverbial balls.

Yea Dana is coming to visit today.  It's a big day! All I have to do is get through the work day and pick her up from the airport and then its like 5 days of fun! Thank goodness! I still have to work a little here and there but for the most part, I'm so excited to finally meet her. Oh wait, you didn't know? Dana and I have never met!

Like I said...its a big day!

So I wrote awhile back about my little bout with the big "D" (a term which allows me to skate around the word depression). Well I should just shout out it out here, since so many of us deal with this bullshit. DEPRESSION!!! Anyhow I was really moved by the comments which you all left, I wanted to thank you for not only sharing things which may have been personal to you, but also some pretty darn good advice. It seems like opinions on treatment options or perhaps consciously not treating depression, seem to really run the gamut with us all. I think I can relate to each and every one of you. Whether or not we're all in the same place in terms of accepting it or treating it, we can all relate to one another here. 

It honestly sucks to have to admit to yourself that you are indeed depressed. Obviously we all have days where we get the blues, or when this whole disease thing is just totally deflating. We know what it means to question our existence, our worth, and our future capabilities. These aren't questions that should be foreign to anyone, however I think with the advent of MS or whatever health issue may come your way, we begin to ponder these things with a little more depth, and perhaps a little more often. It can feel like a daunting task at times, when you get yourself caught up in a vicious cycle with these questions. I think for me it's definitely more healthy to keep them on the back burner and focus more on the here and now. However, I am not always so perfect. With the addition of a new symptom or a week of feeling like total crap, it seems like the whole cycle of self examination and questioning begins again. After not being able to snap out of it, I decided to finally admit to myself, and apparently all of you who read this site, that I indeed was depressed. Thankfully I am feeling much better, although I know that depression is something that can sneak back in at any time. 

So here's what I did, while in the comfort of my pajamas and probably a large bowl of chocolate somewhere nearby. I finally made the effort to try and get in touch with a psychologist to begin some therapy. This time I actually found someone who accepts my insurance, and I made sure to find someone who has experience treating those with chronic illness. Although I won't have my first appointment for another few weeks, I think just finally making the effort to find a doctor for this aspect of my disease was important. Taking this step has definitely helped me move out of the major funk, and step back into the light as much as possible. I tried getting therapy last year to deal with the emotional aspect of being diagnosed, but found out the therapist I was seeing didn't accept my insurance. I just gave up after that, so giving it a go again and actually having coverage will be phenomenal I think. 

It's amazing stepping outside of myself in the here and now and thinking back to how low I was feeling a few weeks ago. This just reinforces more for me how down I was, because I honestly cannot imagine feeling some of the negative things I was feeling just a short time ago. It is so hard feeling unpredictable with your moods, and it becomes so hard to try and communicate in any sort of meaningful way with the people around you. I know that one of you brought up the struggle of really being able to admit to yourself that you are down or that your moods are maybe um...here and there so to speak. It is so hard to hear from others that you don't seem like yourself, or to have people suggest you get treatment for depression. It can definitely feel almost like admitting that you aren't the same person you are before your diagnosis, which is a concern that was expressed in a comment on the prior post. While I don't believe the majority of us have lost the complete sense of ourselves, I would by lying if I said that I do feel like I've lost a piece of myself. Even if that small piece was just one more day of not knowing I would live the rest of my life with a chronic illness. 

Moving past the issue of admitting to ourselves that we need some sort of help, and accepting that maybe we're not okay trying to figure it all out on our own, there was some talk about anti-depressants along with therapy. In terms of anti-D's I am definitely all for the help that they have offered any of you guys, I think that if it's something that's working, then that is amazingly good and you should stick with it. I agree that we definitely need to let go of the shame or stigmas that we may have attached to these medications. For fucks sake, if something is truly benefiting you, then this is what's important. On that same line of thought however, I am a big proponent of therapy before meds, since this isn't the way things were handled when I was a "depressed teen." I think attempting to work through the root of the issue is important, and perhaps if the depression is more of a "biochemical" factor than medications are definitely necessary. I know I'm keeping my options open, and I'm looking forward to talking the shit out of my therapist!!

So here I am  2:46am...awake as usual. Normally I don't get suckered into infomercials...don't get me wrong, I like to watch them, but I never call or order or anything like that. However tonight, I got suckered in by one. Luminess Air. Its an at home airbrush makeup system. Now this sounds like the ultimate cat lady purchase. However, I assure you it looked really effing cool. So I came here to the handy dandy Mac Book Pro and did some research on the cost and all that jazz and found out this little zinger costs about $180 bucks. Which to be totally honest, if it was as cool as they said it was...I would be all about paying for it.  And I sat here for about 5 seconds and thought...I need this. I need to feel pretty again.

And then it hit me.

In between figuring out how I could swing a totally random and unnecessary $180 impulse buy...and finding my credit card...I realized something.  My god...I feel this bad about myself right now. I have expressed how awful I feel about how I look lately and its has all culminated to this moment for me. Fucking infomercials with a promise of pretty. I feel so far out of my own skin these days. I feel so unlike myself, so like another fucking person trapped in this body that is so not mine...that I want to pay $180 to feel pretty again.  Now I don't know if this is just a staple of being a woman and feeling pressure to always be beautiful, or if this is really all about my health and how it makes me ugly. But I feel so...just..eh. I'm mad at myself for getting this down about how I look. I'm mad that I have to look this way. I'm mad that I'm getting suckered into infomercials with promises to make me feel good. I'm fucking mad that its gotten this bad. I'm mad at the drugs. I'm mad at the doctors. Damn it...I'm so fucking mad about the way things are right now.

I'm mad that I resort to my blog and just bitch to you all because I feel like so many people don't get how deeply rooted this shit is for me. No one understands what its like to look in the mirror and not see your own face. To not recognize yourself. To know that everyone who knows you, is thinking about how different you look all the time. To know that people are talking about you. To have a co-worker say to your face "Hey, do you know you're gaining weight?". Yes. Thank you. I am full aware.

I want my identity back. I want my face back. I want my life before all of this. I want sleep and confidence and to not worry about whether or not I'm going to end up in the hospital again. I don't want to have to worry about how soon I should make an appointment at the wig shop because my hair is still falling out. Or if I should just go balls to the wall and shave my head...and then if I shave my head will my boyfriend still like me. I want to be 24 years old and be normal. I want to not be sitting at my computer at 2:55am...crying about how shitty things are. I want to not be such a damn baby about things and keep on truckin' because you don't choose the hand you're dealt. You're just dealt.

If you recall, Dr. Bill gave me some homework after my healing session with him. He told me to take some time for myself, create space, and think about the conflicts in my life. So last night I did just that. And I'm really conflicted over how it went. I've had these furniture pieces that I've been wanting to paint/refinish for a while and I really enjoy "crafting" if you will, so I decided to cancel dinner with a friend last night, sit in my garage and work on my projects. Do something that makes me happy. Dr. Bill had told me to disconnect and turn off my phone but shockingly enough I'm not all that popular so I decided to leave it on, besides people FLIP when you turn your phone off. I also usually work with the radio on and I decided this time to sit alone with my thoughts in the silence. Within the first 15 minutes I received 3 text messages from people who never text me and a phone call....

So I decided to turn the phone off. A small wave of ...I don't know, panic..flushed over me. WHAT IF SOMEONE CALLS AND ITS IMPORTANT? Clearly, I have a problem disconnecting. A problem creating space. So I left it off while I was outside and I painted and I sanded and I thought about stuff. And I don't really feel like I sorted anything out, which is totally fine. But I did leave my garage mad. I was pissed off. Sure, I thought about some stuff that upsets me, but for the most part I wasn't dwelling on bad things, but I was in a foul mood. WTF? This is supposed to be a calming exercise. It was supposed to help me sort shit out and I ended up...mad? How does one screw this up?!