Two Steps Forward, One Stumble Back 02/16/2010
 I am SO comfortable in my humble job, making coffee. My job is literally my home away from home. When I have a day where my brain decides to take a backseat I can still get by. Run on autopilot. There are days where I may seem like a bit of a moron to the average customer, but the only harm in that is a small dent in what's left of my pride. What happens when I'm playing social worker? When everything I do each day isn't quite so ordinary? When I'm not just throwing some vanilla and espresso in a cup and adding some steamed milk (and a little foam) on the top? Oh yeah, did I mention that I want to be a social worker? Yep. That's the plan anyway... So I'd say about ten percent of the time when I think about finally being finished with school, and moving into an actual (gasp!) career, I become a little fearful of the whole concept. What if the MS decides to act up a month or a year into having a new job? A job in which it will actually matter whether or not I have the ability to maintain some level of...I don't know, physical and mental capacity. Then again, we're only talking about ten percent "future jobbity job" fear here, so I am still functioning with ninety-percent "Woooo! I'm going to be doing something more meaningful for the human race than serving them coffee!!". What is the worst that could happen? Honestly. I am actually working at not being totally self defeating. Especially when it comes to things I want to do with my future. I was pondering this today, thinking about how annoyingly positive I have been over the last few months. I wonder...am I being positive because I am physically, in terms of my MS, feeling pretty damn decent? Or am I feeling pretty damn decent because I'm being more positive? I only have issues with the latter. While I think being positive is definitely working for my mood, not to mention my relationships...I don't think the power of positive thinking is quite powerful enough to keep my body from eventually having a total meltdown again. Let's say six months from now MS decides it's time to really start fucking with me. Will I be starting right back at square one? ...self esteem into the shitter, fear and trembling over the future, woe is me city... I guess the goal then would be to make more of a conscious effort to practice all these little things that I've learned along the way this last year, and most importantly, in the last few months. As they say in alcoholics anonymous (or so I hear) I will just have to fake it 'til I make it. CommentsDana Tue, 16 Feb 2010 16:04:39 oh Damon stop, my ego is through the roof right now. Val Sat, 27 Feb 2010 13:17:06 ok so I was busy AT THE OLYMPICS so I didnt read this one till now - but I've been there. I know the uncertaininty MS throws into having some sort of purposeful career. All I can say is... I have to be my biggest bestest advocate. I am the expert on my health and I dont compare myself to anyone else. My boss knows I have MS, as do a bunch of coworkers. And they dont give me shit if I dont show up bright and shiney 730 one morning (especially if I worked till 1030 the night before) ummm what i'm trying to say is. Yes it sucks. but it's worth it. you can do it. just in a different way. go you! Leave a Reply |
