I've been sad lately. So sad that I can't even think of a $5 word to replace "sad". I'm talking sad. Like..sad sad. So sad, that I just keep thinking about how sad I am. My brain is running something like this...

sad.
sad.
sad.
sad.
sad.

You get the point. I'm sad, ok.

So that whole positivity thing I was feeling out...clearly...not working so much. I've had 2 therapy sessions so far, and while I think shes rad and its going well...I'm skeptical. I'll keep you posted on it. But I've noticed MAYJA mood changes and attitude changes in myself lately and it all culminated last week when I spent 2 days being a total basket case and balling my eyes out all day. Perhaps I'm a bit depressed. I was really doing well with all of this for a long time and I'm not sure when it all changed but it literally went from Ok I'm fine, to holy shit I feel like I'm the saddest person alive.

So heres where we talk about anti-depressants. A common thread among MSers, and others that suffer from chronic illnesses. I've never taken them before, I've never even really considered it. I like to try to control my medications, and take as few as possible. But I went to my latest GI appoint for my super awesome colitis, and really it wasn't great news. I have yet to have an appointment in that office without crying. They must think I'm a total flake. Being in there is the most hopeless feeling place I've ever been (this is a lie). Anyway, the 6MP is not so much working, so now I have to figure out where to go from here with in relation to my MS and not flaring that with other medications...blah blah blah I have to go to a special appointment at the Cleveland Clinic and drive a few hours to get there. So while I'm there, I mention to them about my depression and basically they mention the Anti-Ds and asked if I would take them. I said yes.

After those 2 days I need something because I can't function in life like that. I'm on the generic of Zoloft, whatever that is called. I don't know if Anti-depressants are supposed to work right away or if they take time to adjust things but I'm paying seriously close attention to myself these days. Probably too close. Every time I feel even a smidge above sad, I'm like "oh they must be working" even though I've only been taking them since Friday. I've noticed that I think they are already messing with my sleep...which is already screwed up, but I've learned to deal with that.

I don't know. There is part of me that's really bummed because I thought I was handling all of this, the new diagnosis, the hospitals, the medications all so well. So strong. So positive. Hu-RAH. There is a teeny tiny part of me that feels like I've failed a bit, or that I'm super typical because I have now followed the route that so many others have. Bad news = depressed = anti-depressants = lame-o. I had a friend tell me to just take them until we get this whole medication thing figured out...which I think is a good plan. I'm trying really hard not to sink into myself, but its hard. All I want to do is sit on my couch under a blanket and watch DVRed episodes of Gossip Girl and Greys Anatomy (don't judge me). But I know that wont help. So I keep trying to go out, stay occupied even though I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone. I really don't want to see people. Ugh I'm so tired of seeing people. I'm so tired of talking about my health, and feel embarrassed for how I look and how different it is. I'm tired of the pity looks, and wondering what people say when they get home. Perhaps I'm vain for thinking people talk about me when they get home, but if I saw me, I for sure would be talking about me. I've been in hiding now for a while, and this new depression thing just makes me want to hide more.

Yesterday I also got my first ever handicapped placard. Which depressed me. I'm officially 25 (I had a birthday, which also depressed me), and I have handicapped parking. Its a perk for sure, for long walks, but damn it, I shouldn't need it. Things are sucky. I really hope that stuff turns around here soon.