The Big D 10/06/2009
 
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I read somewhere that aside from the initial grieving process that comes along with learning you have MS, the whole process can start right over each time you have a relapse or begin dealing with new symptoms for example. In the last few weeks (maybe a little longer, my concept of time lately is shot) I feel like I've been punched in the gut yet again by fear, anxiety, anger, sadness...all of the above and then some. I love being able to have days, even if they are few and far between, where it isn't so difficult to just step away from MS and just be. I suppose what I mean is the ability to move beyond negative feelings because of the way I physically feel. The good news is I'm pretty sure I'm not having a relapse, but the symptoms that I do have, seem to be ever present. Whether I am just have pseudo-exacerbation or maybe Avonex or depression are the culprit for how I'm feeling as of late, I do know that physically I haven't felt this crappy since my first and only official relapse last November. It feels like I'm starting all over again trying to come to terms with the fact that I am living with this thing for the rest of my life. I honestly believe that my physical abilities right now are probably the best they're ever gonna get from here on out. If I cannot be happy in the here and now, then I am officially screwed.  

A big issue for me which has come up lately is depression, and as much as I hate to admit not only to myself, but to anyone and everyone else, I am definitely dealing with an extended bout of some deep and dark stuff. I am worried that while MS can be the one of the culprits of depression, this is also a known side effect of Avonex. As many of you well understand however, it seems to be a toss up as to what's causing what. I suppose part of how I know that I'm knee deep in depression bullshit is the fact that I should be happy right now. I am honestly blessed with people and resources that help to keep me afloat. So why the hell can't I just snap out of it? I am thinking this is the fact that chemically or hormonally or whatever, I am dealing with something that is just a bit out of my control for the time being. I know the difference between having the blues, and just being totally disconnected. Lately I feel disconnected, and I am just not being able to make the pieces fit. I have another month and half until my next appointment with the specialist, and I'm only willing to give myself a few more weeks of trying to charge through this before I bring it up with the doctor. If things don't start looking up, I have decided I just may have to give anti-depressants one more go. The last time I was on the happy pills, was about ten years ago, roughly the same time I believe my MS symptoms quietly began to surface. I can say quite firmly that I did not have a good experience with either Prozac or Zoloft, and I hate to think about going through another experience like I had with either one of those drugs. I am legitimately scared of trying another anti-depressant, but I do realize that my quality of life these days is definitely worth the risk. 

I would be super happy to hear about any positive or negative experiences any of you may have had or are currently having, with anti-depressants. I have been so adamant on never again doing the drug thing to treat depression, but I'm just about tapped out in terms of fighting this on my own. 
 


Comments

Damon

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 22:06:50

**multiple hugs**

Okay, as for the happy pill experience, I was only on that Prozac Weekly thing for a little while, and I thought to myself at the time I really didn't feel any different. The thing is, I also noticed just before I would yell at family and flip out on them. Then, nothing. I didn't have that anger that was probably rooted in frustration.

I've stopped, and these days I'm not sure why. I don't think the happy pills gave me any problems. Although it's not like they made me happy either. I guess it can't hurt to give it a shot though, and stop when it doesn't feel right. Just trust yourself. You'll know.

 

Shon

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 14:13:54

I just stumbled across your blog. It is strange how a moment of serendipity works. I had my dx in 2002 and have been fairly normal for sometime. I have had bouts of depression, especially when I was on Beta. Recently after my last really bad exacerbation I just did not feel right. I have never felt right taking happy pills and this was a bit beyond my normal process and I mean to tell you that I have run the gambit with meds.
Now even with these meds, things that used to not play on my emotions were now killing me. My neuro looked me over, took more MRI pictures and then offered me this.
He told me to see a psychiatrist. The fact was that I was not the same person as before and even though my physical symptoms were at a minimum, again, I was not the same person. My brain had been injured and that drugs will not make that all right. That I need to learn to cope and deal with these things and the best way to do that was a shrink. Need new skills to deal with the MonSter. We will see how that goes, and I will give talking to someone a shot.
It makes sense to me that I may need some new coping skills, coping skills that I have never even thought to use. Do not know if that helps or not, I guess my main point was I read and understand and you are not alone.

 

Krista

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 07:49:15

Hi!

I echo Shon's comment above. I had some stuff go on in my life a few years ago (well before my intro to MS, which came about in April). I was diagnosed with mild depression, and went through the process of finding a therapist and meeting with her for several months. I was terrified of going on any "happy" pills (I worried they would take the edge of of every emotion, not just the sad ones). For me, the therapy was exactly what I needed (although my recommendation would be to shop around until you find someone you REALLY connect with, which was my one regret). It was hard work, and the meetings with the therapist were just the tip of the iceberg. She did give me a lot of new coping skills, as well as some additional resources to tap when I needed a little extra help.

Of course I know that everyone is different, and there is no magic solution. But when I was diagnosed with MS and did my research on the treatment options available, I found that most of them listed depression as a side effect--which was terrifying. I really didn't know if I would be happier treating the disease, or just being happy. I ended up starting out with Copaxone, which does not cite depression as a side effect. However, I still know in the back of my head that a treatment change could happen at any time if the Copaxone doesn't work, and I'll have decisions to make. So my heart goes out to you, I can imagine how you must feel, and I really really really hope you find a way to be okay (and soon). And if you haven't already looked into therapy as an option, it might be worth checking out. Good luck!

 



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