Picture
So I wrote awhile back about my little bout with the big "D" (a term which allows me to skate around the word depression). Well I should just shout out it out here, since so many of us deal with this bullshit. DEPRESSION!!! Anyhow I was really moved by the comments which you all left, I wanted to thank you for not only sharing things which may have been personal to you, but also some pretty darn good advice. It seems like opinions on treatment options or perhaps consciously not treating depression, seem to really run the gamut with us all. I think I can relate to each and every one of you. Whether or not we're all in the same place in terms of accepting it or treating it, we can all relate to one another here. 

It honestly sucks to have to admit to yourself that you are indeed depressed. Obviously we all have days where we get the blues, or when this whole disease thing is just totally deflating. We know what it means to question our existence, our worth, and our future capabilities. These aren't questions that should be foreign to anyone, however I think with the advent of MS or whatever health issue may come your way, we begin to ponder these things with a little more depth, and perhaps a little more often. It can feel like a daunting task at times, when you get yourself caught up in a vicious cycle with these questions. I think for me it's definitely more healthy to keep them on the back burner and focus more on the here and now. However, I am not always so perfect. With the addition of a new symptom or a week of feeling like total crap, it seems like the whole cycle of self examination and questioning begins again. After not being able to snap out of it, I decided to finally admit to myself, and apparently all of you who read this site, that I indeed was depressed. Thankfully I am feeling much better, although I know that depression is something that can sneak back in at any time. 

So here's what I did, while in the comfort of my pajamas and probably a large bowl of chocolate somewhere nearby. I finally made the effort to try and get in touch with a psychologist to begin some therapy. This time I actually found someone who accepts my insurance, and I made sure to find someone who has experience treating those with chronic illness. Although I won't have my first appointment for another few weeks, I think just finally making the effort to find a doctor for this aspect of my disease was important. Taking this step has definitely helped me move out of the major funk, and step back into the light as much as possible. I tried getting therapy last year to deal with the emotional aspect of being diagnosed, but found out the therapist I was seeing didn't accept my insurance. I just gave up after that, so giving it a go again and actually having coverage will be phenomenal I think. 

It's amazing stepping outside of myself in the here and now and thinking back to how low I was feeling a few weeks ago. This just reinforces more for me how down I was, because I honestly cannot imagine feeling some of the negative things I was feeling just a short time ago. It is so hard feeling unpredictable with your moods, and it becomes so hard to try and communicate in any sort of meaningful way with the people around you. I know that one of you brought up the struggle of really being able to admit to yourself that you are down or that your moods are maybe um...here and there so to speak. It is so hard to hear from others that you don't seem like yourself, or to have people suggest you get treatment for depression. It can definitely feel almost like admitting that you aren't the same person you are before your diagnosis, which is a concern that was expressed in a comment on the prior post. While I don't believe the majority of us have lost the complete sense of ourselves, I would by lying if I said that I do feel like I've lost a piece of myself. Even if that small piece was just one more day of not knowing I would live the rest of my life with a chronic illness. 

Moving past the issue of admitting to ourselves that we need some sort of help, and accepting that maybe we're not okay trying to figure it all out on our own, there was some talk about anti-depressants along with therapy. In terms of anti-D's I am definitely all for the help that they have offered any of you guys, I think that if it's something that's working, then that is amazingly good and you should stick with it. I agree that we definitely need to let go of the shame or stigmas that we may have attached to these medications. For fucks sake, if something is truly benefiting you, then this is what's important. On that same line of thought however, I am a big proponent of therapy before meds, since this isn't the way things were handled when I was a "depressed teen." I think attempting to work through the root of the issue is important, and perhaps if the depression is more of a "biochemical" factor than medications are definitely necessary. I know I'm keeping my options open, and I'm looking forward to talking the shit out of my therapist!!


 


Comments




Leave a Reply