If you recall, Dr. Bill gave me some homework after my healing session with him. He told me to take some time for myself, create space, and think about the conflicts in my life. So last night I did just that. And I'm really conflicted over how it went. I've had these furniture pieces that I've been wanting to paint/refinish for a while and I really enjoy "crafting" if you will, so I decided to cancel dinner with a friend last night, sit in my garage and work on my projects. Do something that makes me happy. Dr. Bill had told me to disconnect and turn off my phone but shockingly enough I'm not all that popular so I decided to leave it on, besides people FLIP when you turn your phone off. I also usually work with the radio on and I decided this time to sit alone with my thoughts in the silence. Within the first 15 minutes I received 3 text messages from people who never text me and a phone call....

So I decided to turn the phone off. A small wave of ...I don't know, panic..flushed over me. WHAT IF SOMEONE CALLS AND ITS IMPORTANT? Clearly, I have a problem disconnecting. A problem creating space. So I left it off while I was outside and I painted and I sanded and I thought about stuff. And I don't really feel like I sorted anything out, which is totally fine. But I did leave my garage mad. I was pissed off. Sure, I thought about some stuff that upsets me, but for the most part I wasn't dwelling on bad things, but I was in a foul mood. WTF? This is supposed to be a calming exercise. It was supposed to help me sort shit out and I ended up...mad? How does one screw this up?!

So I go into my house to continue this project and I turn on my phone...because... I have a problem disconnecting and creating space. (see a trend here?) And within like 15 minutes it rings and I pick it up and its my boyfriend...who I love...who I am now being a jerk to because...I'm in a foul mood. He keeps asking me whats wrong, and I legitimately do not know. I have to say I'm hesitant to do this experiment again because, clearly it didn't go so well.  Perhaps this is like a multiple step process and I have to work through some shit before I get some answers and end up all happy.

So at this point I know that my night is not going well and I contemplate shutting the phone off again but I don't because....I have a problem disconnecting and creating space. And sure as shit the phone rings, its my sister. My sister rocks. Yesterday was a huge day in her/our lives because we found out her first child will be a girl! But yet somehow..I'm in a shit mood. So she asks me, just as the boyfriend did...whats wrong? And like the silly woman I am, I insist that nothing is wrong. And frankly, I don't know what my deal was, further proving women are crazy and I pity any man who has to deal with us.

So what have I learned from this? I HAVE A PROBLEM DISCONNECTING AND CREATING SPACE. I need to learn to shut my phone/computer/life/friends/family off. Basically, I need to do exactly what Dr. Bill told me to do. Call a few people, tell them I'm fine but I'm DISCONNECTING, and shut that crap off. Its going to be a struggle for me because even I want to trick myself. Once I walked into the house...the first thing I did was open my computer. Jesus Jackie, DIS-FUCKING-CONNECT.

Here is the thing though...I stayed up a little later than I normally do last night...but I only woke up once. I have been waking up like 3-4 times a night. I also woke up feeling pretty good. Not draggin' ass tired. In my fantastical brain I want to connect the two and say that I got out some negative vibes (that ones for you Aunt Kathy), and that maybe its allowing me to sleep better? Or maybe I'm just finally adjusting to my meds and my body is calming down. Who the crap knows.