I have been dealing with what I always called "brain fog" for quite some time. I suppose the farthest back I can remember consciously observing it, would be like five years ago or so. This irritating inability to think clearly would take over. It never really lasted all that long, and it was by no means debilitating, just irritating.
When I was diagnosed, I learned a lot about the physical symptoms and wasn't so freaked out about the random sensory issues I was having. I sort of thought, if this is the worst of it, I can totally deal with it. Granted I knew MS was something that would progress over time, but there is nothing wrong with a little wishful thinking. Anyhow, in my mad rush to learn as much as I could, I never really read much about the cognitive issues that often times are a part of MS. In everything that I did read, it seemed like there would just be passing mentions of the cognitive stuff. I didn't even think about the link between the "brain fog" I had been experiencing for so long, and the MS.
So in the last few months, the "brain fog" has taken on a life of it's own. I am not really sure if this is part of the recent progression or advent of my MS, or if maybe the stress/anxiety of a diagnosis has just made me frazzled. I honestly believe that the brain issues have become worse though, and along with simply feeling like I sometimes can't "think clearly" I have started this short term memory business that is downright creepy at times. Although it seems like little stuff, and most people who I describe it to say, "oh I do that all the time" I know that for me, it's a little more chronic. I actually got into a tiff with a customer who I was sure hadn't given me money for his drinks, when the money was sitting by the register. He literally took off, and I was fuming pissed because this jackass hadn't payed for his drinks. The whole time he was like, "I gave you a ten." I told him, "you can't mess with me like this, I know you didn't give me money." I felt like the biggest ass when I turned around after he had left in a huff, and there was the ten.
Yesterday I was cleaning like mad, and looked at the garbage in the bathroom, making a conscious decision NOT to empty it. This is the last I remember anything about the garbage. So about fifteen minutes later I walk back into the bathroom, and the garbage can is empty. What the hell?! I literally got so pissed, because I had ZERO recollection of doing anything with the flipping garbage. I literally became angry with myself.
I was out for drinks with some friends a while back, and I'm sitting there while everyone else is in conversation, just totally oblivious to what they're even talking about. I felt like I was putting all my energy into trying to keeping up with what they were saying, that I wasn't adding anything to the conversation. When the brain starts feeling like this, I honestly do this little thing where I start to sort of "blank stare" at something, only I'm not really able to focus on one thing, I'm sort of just looking past everything. Most of the time when I notice myself doing this, I snap myself out of it, but there's nothing more annoying than having to constantly remind myself to focus. I full on ran a red light last month when I was in one of my "spaced out" modes.
The thing that is probably most frustrating about the cognitive issues, for me, is the fact that I just don't want to talk to anyone when I'm feeling them. Trying to explain to someone why you can't make even semi-intelligent conversation is like pulling teeth. Most people do not get it, and if you try and explain it to someone who isn’t part of the MS club, they either think it's a load of shit, or "oh my gosh I do that all the time too." I suppose there are some major plusses to having a disability that is often times completely "invisible" to others, but it also leads to some serious feelings of misunderstanding. When I first began having the issues to this extent, I honestly felt like I was going crazy. Thank god for the wonders of the internet which allowed me to realize this shit was apparently normal.
I suppose the positive aspect of my cognitive issues are that I don't experience them 24/7. The longest they have lasted at any one time, have been maybe two or three days straight. I actually went for a few weeks recently, without feeling much of anything in the way of cog fog or short term memory. It was great. Today, eh, I've got that glazed over feeling like there's just this veil of stupidity surrounding me. I suppose in a way this aspect of the disease scares me a little more than even the physically debilitating features. If my legs are all funked up, I can still work, depending on what job I am doing. However, if I can't process my thoughts fast enough or remember something I did minutes before, I may have a bit of a problem.
When I saw my neurologist a few months ago, he told me in so many words that my brain looks more like that of a 65 year old, and that this was "abnormal". So maybe this is true, but I guess I would have rather not heard it. Now I'm working on not comparing my brain to every old fart I meet. I want my brain to be senior citizen like, when I'm actually a flipping senior citizen, not now.
