Well I survived. I got to the Ass Man early in hopes of getting out of there early, however as per usual at the doctors they take for-fucking-ever. So I'm sitting in the room, surrounded by diagram after diagram of colons and intestines and all sorts of other super stuff. The nurse comes in and turns out, she was cool. She chatted me up, and thankfully didn't ask me about all of my symptoms because I wasn't really in the mood to repeat myself 1,000 times (don't they EVER read the effing chart?). So she informs me that I will probably have the Doc as well as a fellowship on my case. Well AWESOME, I felt like saying. Whats better than talking about your asshole and poop with a total stranger...2 TOTAL STRANGERS! Bonus!
So I'm hoping for the poop fairy to swoop in an grant me one wish which would be to just have one totally normal doctor. Well turns out the poop fairy doesn't exist...who knew?! So in walks the fellowship guy....which is actually slightly attractive. Damn it. And instead of playing the shy game, I let him have it. I had already made my symptoms lists before my appointment so I was rapid firing what my average dump is like. He couldn't write fast enough. So then he leaves to consult with the good 'ol doctor. I then wait for about a year for them to come back into the room and in walks this little dude. So not only am I lucky enough to get 2 doctors...but 2 male doctors. O Happy Day. So the doctors asks why I have come in. GREAT! Remember that part about not reading the charts? So I get to rehash my fantastically embarrassing bowel movement fairy tale with these guys for a second time. The doctor is a nice guy...kinda quirky but nice. And the whole time hes there all I can think is , "Please don't put a finger in my ass. Please don't put a finger in my ass.....". So after a chat about my liquid pooh, my college degree, and the weather...doctor says, "Poop Princess, you have IBS". And in a sick way I felt relieved, although not really. I wanted to scream at him, yea no shit (pun intended). P.S. I for see the poop puns never getting old. So deal with it.
He tells me at my age, he wants to take the "natural" route...so take 2 benefiber tablets a day, eat the crap outta some veggies/fruits, and see ya in 4 weeks. And I appreciate the natural route, I do, really...but COME ON! You can't give me a break from my routine of anti-diarrheal's, pepto tablets, gas-x, tums...ect? Really I just paid you a copay for you to tell me to eat fiber? Damn it.
So that's what I'm doing. I am going to eat fiber like its my job. I would say I'm hopeful...but I'd be lying. The reality is I'm stoked that I didn't get a finger or any other probing object up my bunghole, but it still doesn't really tell me that I'm all kinds of healthy. If I had a crystal ball, I bet it would show me a camera up my ass in my future.
