So lets talk about how I feel like an idiot ALL THE FLIPPIN' TIME. Dana recently talked about her cog fog problems, which I can totally relate to. There are definitely times where I just cannot process a real thought, and other times where I really have to work to understand what someone is saying. I give people this "deer in the headlights" face often, but it really just means that I'm trying like crazy to follow the conversation.
I used to pride myself on being a intelligent, educated, and thoughtful person with an extensive vocabulary. However over the last 2 years or so I'm pretty sure I'm getting dumber. I have even in fact, honestly and sincerely asked a few people that I know if they think I'm getting dumber. And it appears to be getting worse. I cannot remember things to save my life, and I have all these people I know who say things like "oh I know, I can't remember stuff either" or "i forget all the time too!". Wrong. This is different. I hate to pull the "I'm dumber than you" card but I'm gonna. You can take some ginko and remember stuff...I can't make my myelin grow back and repair the holes in my brain. I think I trump you. I win. It's different.
This morning I woke up, and remembered I had a meeting for work, one that required me to look nice and put make up on, you know to make people think I really do know what I'm talking about. Its all doom and gloom outside so I was bummed that I'd have to walk across town in the rain and my nice pants to go to this meeting with people I've never met. The meeting is scheduled for and hour and a half from now, so I started to prep myself for it. I reread the email from the coordinator about the meeting....Blah blah blah....location....time....date.... Ok got it. Thursday at 3.
Well on my planet today is Wednesday, not Thursday. I had spend all last night and this morning thinking this meeting was today. I read the very same email last night before I left work and went, ok yup, 3 on Thursday. Now this may be a fairly innocent error, could happen to anyone right? But it doesn't. It doesn't happen to everyone weekly....daily.
My boss even recently made a joke about my forgetfulness, which is when it sorta really truly hit home. People are noticing, and not only am I forgetful but its making me, a once intelligent, educated, well versed person, now look a total complete ditz. I would say its humbling, but it was humbling the first year of my disease. Cognitive issues definitely took me off my "I'm smart" high horse. Not only have I proven to myself and the world, that I am in fact not smart, but am also getting dumber.
I don't have many people in my life who let me feel sorry for myself in these instances, which is helpful. But until meeting Dana, no one understood it. No one gets whats its like to know that you're not dumb, but for everyone around you to think of you as the ditz. No one gets what its like to actually have to concentrate on normal conversations just to understand them, or what its like to write EVERYTHING down, but then still forget about it.
I write EVERYTHING down for work, otherwise I will truly walk around like an idiot. If I forget my notebook, I'm worthless. But even sometimes when I write it down, I forget. I do everything I can to stay on top of the black hole that is my brain, but it seems like no matter what I do to fight it, its getting worse.
I don't ever feel like my head is clear and focused. It feels like a case of ADD and Alzheimer's combined together. I can't focus, I can't remember, sometimes it even feels like I can't learn anything either. Having cognitive issues is one of the worst that I've ever experienced in my life. Its enough to put even the cockiest person in their place. It almost makes you feel like you don't know who you are anymore. After all, if you can't control what goes on in your head, the way you think, talk, and interact with people....who are you? You sure as hell don't feel like yourself.
So I'm getting all teary and stupid over this, but what happens when I don't remember what it was like to be me. To be a smart intelligent person who could be insightful and carry a conversation? What happens when all I am is the flaky space cadet who can't remember to put on pants every morning?
I guess everyday will be a no pants party.
