I went grocery shopping last week, and for the first time in my adult life, used an actual shopping cart during a "solo" shopping trip. Sure, this probably sounds silly, but I've always been more of a "basket" shopper. This probably accounts for the fact that I'm at the grocery store at the very least, every other day. I don't ever do a ton of shopping at one time. For some reason, I've always had a bit of a hang up about using an actual cart. My reasons for this are sorted, and would probably sound ridiculous, so I will spare any more elaboration. The fact is there have been a few times recently that I have been at the store alone, and found myself suddenly overwhelmed with some random leg weakness. I was so freaked out the first time it happened, I honestly felt like I wouldn't be able to walk myself out to my car. After standing in one spot for a few moments, the feeling passed and I was able to continue on, but it was definitely a new and different experience. So I finally decided that perhaps the shopping cart could serve as not only a secret crutch while perusing the isles, but I would also be able to do some real grocery shopping for a change.
It was just after nine in the morning and here I am strolling around the store with my shopping cart, feeling almost liberated at having let go of my prior hang up. Because it was so early on a weekday, the store was really quiet. I was thoroughly enjoying my "shopping experience". I'm hanging out in the section which houses paper and pens and post its, and I look up to see a lady in the same isle as me, who is leaning on her cart and walking with a limp. I found myself immediately wondering what exactly her "disability" was. It seemed like every time I turned my head that morning, I was seeing people in scooters, and with canes, and walking with limps. Having a newfound fear that I may one day rely on a cane or maybe four wheels to get me around, it seems like I am really "seeing" those that are disabled now. It isn't to say that before my diagnosis I never noticed people in wheelchairs or walking with canes, but I didn't become engaged in thought on what perhaps their respective disability was. I never really looked at them and tried putting myself in their place, I just didn't put much thought into it.
So last night Andy and I went to pick up his mom for a family event. She has fibromyalgia, and in the last ten years, her health issues have become an increasing burden on her ability to move around. She doesn't do a ton of walking, and generally uses a walker or a cane around the house. Although she will take her cane out in public with her, she absolutely refuses to use the walker unless she's at home. For her, using her walker out in public would be like "giving up". Over the last four years, I have heard her complain many times about her difficulties getting around, but I could never really empathize with the frustration or the embarrassment she described. So Andy suggested that she take the walker last night, and she of course refused. At the risk of sounding totally "self help" and cliche, I told her that maybe the benefits of the walker would outweigh her worry that people would be staring. I told her that before I ever thought I would potentially need one of these "walking devices" in my future, I never really payed any mind to people using them. This was when she informed me that before I will ever need anything of the sort, she really believed they would find a cure for MS. Well, here's to hope anyway. I let the conversation go. The walker stayed behind, and the cane went with us.
Although my words weren't enough to get Andy's mom to take the walker, it got me thinking again on how I really didn't notice people using walking devices much before the MS, but now it seems that they're everywhere! So what if the day comes that I actually need some help getting around? Will I be able to take my own advice, and not be bogged down with the fear that people are staring at me? How differently would I feel if I lost my mobility tomorrow versus thirty years from now? I hate to sound all young and selfish, but it seems like the younger you are, the more difficult it would be to wrap your mind around using a walking device. Perhaps your fellow shoppers wouldn't notice a thing, but how would you feel about yourself? I suppose we are our own worst enemies. I guess with the added weight of a disability, there is this need to have super abilities in the self esteem department. If we know that we are the coolest people on the planet no matter what, then walking with a cane or using a wheelchair wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. So the question then becomes, what makes you the coolest person on the planet?
