Five Stages Of Grief
1.Denial and Isolation.
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
2. Anger.
The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3. Bargaining.
Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
4. Depression.
The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5. Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

In a recent post that I made, there was a mention in the comments about the 5 stages of grief. Which is one of those things that I've heard about but sorta just yea, yea, yea-ed and didn't really consider. I'm not sure if I've ever really looked into this model until now and I gotta tell you, I'm not sure that I buy it. I do think that it nails down some of the major aspects of grief but to put them into clear cut steps like this, I think is a crock. I'm not sure if I'll ever reach true acceptance, because Idon't understand what my future will hold.

I think this step might work for a death, or divorce, or job loss or something, but for our disease I do not think this model works. Hell, I might run through that whole list in one day. I think that if I were to follow this list I would be eternally stuck on #1. I have a big problem with denial...not denial of the MS, but if what it restricts me from doing...or remembering...or thinking. And I also think that no matter what kind of "support system" we have, we will always feel some sense of isolation. It is incredibly isolating to be feeling something that literally no one else can understand. I go through stages related to this model all the time, but to say that the anger, sadness, and mourning will taper off is not something I can accept. I do not think I'll ever stop being upset in someway about this. I can accept that I have it, but for me that doesn't mean I will not feel those other things.

I think that acceptance of a disease has an entirely different process that never ends. I was just talking to Dana about this and how I think its common after your first year of diagnosis to think you've accepted this disease. You think you're ok with it, and life will go on. But then shortly after, something clicks in your brain and you realize you haven't accepted it. I think that the path to acceptance is long and curved and it has breaks in it. I think the path to acceptance of a disease like MS is more like a labyrinth. You can try all you want, but you may never find the end.

You may have years where you're totally ok, physically mentally and then all of a sudden something happens and you are put right back to the beginning. The sadness, isolation, anger can rear their ugly heads again and THAT IS OK. I know I'm only 2.5 years in, and for the most part..I'm ok. But sometimes, some days I feel all 5 steps within 1 day or a few hours. It can be overwhelming and depressing, but remember a lot of people do this. Its so hard to accept something that has no clear cut guidelines. Remember that this shit is hard. Its not fun. And it can be down right painful sometimes, but this is life. If it wasn't this, it would be something else and the only choice we have is to live through it. You take it step by step, minute by minute, and relapse by relapse. Its ok to never stop being mad that this happened to you, but its not ok to let that hinder your life.

I have such a fascination with faith and spirituality. In thinking about faith there is inevitably this idea of meaning which translates into every aspect of ones life. After all, our world religions seemed to evolve out of this need to make sense of everything. So many people rely on their respective religion or belief systems to find this meaning. Some of life's toughest questions are supposedly answered, or at least the fear they bring out, quelled, by ones beliefs. I sometimes feel a little envious of people who are able to give themselves over to their faith. How great would that be, to truly believe something? It is hard for me to wrap my mind around doing this for myself, simply because I can't put all my faith into any one religion. I see pieces of all of them which are valid, even if some of them have some pretty shoddy redeeming qualities. 

Obviously one of the ways in which religion and faith come in awfully handy is during times of trial. Obviously for many of us this has come in the form of MS, among other things. These questions that I had before the diagnosis are now magnified. What really is the purpose of my life? And no, I don't think I'll figure it out by reading The Purpose Driven Life. Seriously though, how am I making meaning? Hypothetically speaking, if I had a faith that I was strong in, would I be handling any of this better? In a perfect world maybe a Bible verse or a lesson from the Qur’an would help snap me out of my bubble of self pity, but alas they are nothing but interesting written works, at least from where I'm standing. And furthermore, maybe it's a little presumptuous to assume that this is all it takes for a Christian or Muslim to find comfort. Maybe their comfort comes from something far deeper than just their sacred texts. I suppose it is this sort of faith that I envy, for lack of a better term. I find myself completely irritated with people who cheapen their faith by praising God every time they take a shit, or wake up and find the sky is blue for instance.

So I joined this forum called "Patients Like Me" shortly after my diagnosis, and it definitely helped me answer some important questions, as well as reminded me that I wasn't the only person in the world with MS. As Jackie mentioned in her post with various links however, there are a ton of "Bible thumpers" on the site. It seems there were a lot of "pray for such and such" and "God bless yous" being thrown around. A lot. I replied to a post made by a younger guy who I believe was atheist, who was sort of complaining about the overabundance of religiosity on the site. He was wondering if there was any place out there for MSers who weren't religious. I remember making some reply about the importance of faith as a coping skill so to speak, for those who have it anyway. But I suppose he is right, what about people who don't have faith or belief in religion. I guess I'm not really asking where we're supposed to go for support, but moreso where do we find our strength, if it isn't in Jesus or God or Muhammad or Buddha or some good old fashioned Sunday fellow-shipping? And on the flip side of this, how many of us are finding ourselves thinking more about our beliefs or lack thereof since being diagnosed? I wonder how much my having real faith in God or what have you would change the way I'm dealing with shit lately?  

 

The only things that irritates me more than stereotypical potheads, are people who think they're real life vampires. All bitching aside, I hear that marijuana has medicinal purposes. In fact I would probably be a prime candidate for Oregon's medical marijuana program, which twelve other states also implement. Although I could totally be sporting the members only jacket in the pot club, or rather becoming legal, I don't have any plans to do so, at least at this time. The problem is, I fear that smoking weed would almost make some of my symptoms worse, such as those of the cognitive nature. Although I admittedly had "brain fog" long before I ever knew I had MS, it has become increasingly worse over the last year, and downright disturbing at times, since my Nov. attack/relapse/exacerbation/whatever. Another issue that has popped up lately is this short term memory business. Making brain jokes is getting a little old already. Now that I know it wasn't "all in my head" and in fact the brain is slightly out of whack, I sort of don't want to mess things up further.

So it seems like here in Oregon, since it is legal to grow and smoke marijuana if you have your handy dandy medical card, everyone and their brother wants to find a reason to get one. However the law here requires that you have one of a handful of specific conditions. It just so happens to be the most vague of these conditions, that of "severe pain", which as of January 2009, qualifies over eighteen thousand patients throughout Oregon to smoke the doob legally. The second highest group of qualifying members, with 5,683 patients, fall into the "persistent muscle spasms included but not limited to those caused my multiple sclerosis" group. Oddly enough, there are only 705 carded members with cancer, and 410 with HIV/+Aids. I suppose some of the people in the "severe pain" or "nausea" categories could also have cancer or HIV/+Aids, but it seems like it would be more logical to simply use the disease to qualify if you could, rather than a symptom. 

Another interesting statistic that I found in my research, was that the Oregon county with the highest number of carded members, aside from the actual largest county in the state, is that of Lane county. The hilarious part about this, is that Eugene is in Lane county. If you know much about Oregon, you know Eugene is the hippy mecca of our state. You venture into Eugene, you are at an immediate risk of being hit in the face by a hackie sack. I live in Marion county, with a population of about 40,000 less than Lane county, yet we have about a third of the amount of carded members as Lane county. Anyway, funny finding.

So let us imagine then that you live in Oregon, and you have one of the various conditions which could qualify you for a medical marijuana card. Your first plan of action would be to visit your doctor, and hope to heck that they are one of the doctors that gives out actual recommendations. Not all do, but a little research and I'm sure there would be no issues getting into a doctor that would perhaps (with a little persistence on your part), hand you over that little slip of paper. Keep in mind however, that this is different than a prescription. You cannot go down to the pharmacy and come home with some sweet bud. Once you receive your recommendation, you will then use this to apply through the state, for your medical card. There is an application for you, with the basics, including where your grow site will be, along with who will be growing the plants. You can actually have a caregiver who takes on this task for you. You cannot have been convicted of a felony within the last five years, and you also need to include $100 for an application fee, unless you already receive some form of assistance from the state or SSI, in which case you pay $20. There is a short application for your attending physician, basically just consisting of a check mark of your condition, signature, yada yada. If you are under eighteen, there is also a small form for your parent/legal guardian to fill out.

It does strike me funny that once you receive your medical marijuana card, you're basically on your own. You or your designated caregiver are in charge of growing your own green. I suppose this isn't such a bad deal though, in fact I think this may be a HUGE part of the appeal for many of those who just might be part of the more "vague" symptoms club. The funny part about this is that the state will have no part in providing starter seeds, right down to even giving advice on where to get them. I did however notice that there are some websites online which give advice on how to go about finding starter seeds. Another important note regarding state laws and medical marijuana use, is that although you may be in compliance with the state, you are not protected from federal law.

So back to what medical marijuana use has to do with multiple sclerosis. Apparently there have been some studies done which show cannabis can be used for the treatment of spasticity, tremor, neuropathic pain, insomnia etc. I already know that there have been times that I have smoked in the past, and definitely gone straight to bed, those were the good experiences. As far as testing it out on any of my other symptoms which have included both spasticity and fine tremor, I can't say I've smoked recently enough to know. I also don't think that my symptoms are severe enough for me to really even notice a difference if I did smoke. I have read plenty of online examples however that have many MS patients who swear by the effects of MS, in fact 15% of those with MS use it. Considering that here in Oregon, there are over five thousand carded members smoking legally, coming from the group that includes MS alone, I'm assuming we have a decent number of MS patients here who are rocking some sweet ass bongs.

One of the main pros for the advocacy of medical marijuana use is that it not only seems to quell various symptoms, but it does so without having any major side effects. If the side effects aren't enjoyable to you, then you don't have to smoke it. It isn't like a drug that you feel like you should try and "tough out" taking until the side effects wear off or anything. Another positive take on legalized smoking is the fact that it is an organic substance, and doesn't contain the amount of toxins and chemicals which are often found in various symptom therapies. I found more than one study which backed up the claim that smoking can have positive effects on the treatment of MS, on some patients anyway. As pointed out on the NMSS site however, studies regarding the use of "cannabis" are tough in the aspect that they cannot be "unblinded" as well as administration levels in regards to various peoples tolerance levels, among other things. Apparently the NMSS is "funding a well controlled study on the effectiveness of different forms of marijuana to treat spasticity in MS...". I'll be interested to see the results.

The major downer in regards to having MS and using marijuana as an alternative symptomatic therapy, has to do with cognitive issues, which was my personal issue. There is a study in a 2008 online edition of the medical journal of the American Academy of Neurology states, "People with MS who smoke marijuana are more likely to have emotional and memory problems." Well, this seems like a somewhat obvious statement. This is definitely my major issue with the thought of smoking weed after my diagnosis. Apparently though, not every single person living with MS deals with cog fog and short term memory. The statistics say something like fifty percent, but this isn't exact I'm sure. I think that those NOT dealing with cognitive issues would definitely be much better candidates.

All in all though, it really boils down to personal choice. Although clinical trials are great, and studies may help us determine the efficacy of a particular symptom therapy, that doesn't necessarily give us answers on how it will work for us. The studies thus far involving the use of medical marijuana haven't really turned me either on or off of the idea altogether. Our bodies are all different, we all have various symptoms, we all react to things differently. Unfortunately, my experiences with smoking weed haven't always been so pleasant. I generally just turn into a panicky, paranoid pig. However as I sit here typing this, and my fricking calve muscle is spazzing like crazy, I'm wondering if there may come a day when I would perhaps like to give weed one more shot, from a medical perspective this time. I think the beauty of this is that I live in one of those states where if I want to smoke something that could potentially relieve some of my symptoms without pumping a bunch of chemicals into my system, I can do that. I think everyone should have this choice.

If you are someone with MS and you smoke weed because it helps you deal with your symptoms, leave a flipping comment and help inform us on how it works for you. If you think smoking weed as a symptom therapy for MS is bullshit, say so. If you live in a state where it is illegal to smoke for medical reasons and you think it is bullshit, say so. Feedback people. I am curious to hear real opinions on the issue, good, bad and in between.  

I was talking to a friend 2 days ago about the end of the world. She had just got done watching the Nostradamus special on The History Channel (I think), and we were talking about how the world is going to allegedly end in 2012. Which for the math genius' is only 3 years away, and will be the year of my 10 year highs chool reunion. Said friend of mine is pregnant with her 2nd child, and I asked her if she would be ok with it if the world ended in 2012. She said no on account of not wanting to watch her children die. So it got me thinking about how I would feel if the world ended.

I suppose there are just loads of people out there who would be terrified at the end of the world. Terrified to die, to lose their families and the world as it is known to us now.

I however am not one of those people. I sat on this one for a long time and really thought it out and I honestly, think I would be ok if the world ended now. Granted a lot can happen in 3 years, but lets just say for writing sake that everything is the same in my life now as it will be in 2012. I have accomplished everything in my life that I KNOW I want. I lived abroad, I graduated college, I own my own home, I have a career, I have a dog, I'm successful, and I have loved and been loved. Through my 24 years of life, my definition of the things that I have wanted, has changed. And while I sit here today struggling with the thoughts of a family, I've realized that I'm still unsure about a husband and kids. And because its not something I have my heart set on, I don't feel like I would be missing out on those things if life ceased to exist.

And then I thought...how many people in this life could say the same. How many people out there could honestly say, that they would be totally ok with the end of the world. I base this solely on my life, goals and the things that I think make a life well spent. Obviously this is open to interpretation. Sure, I would love to make more money. Sure, I'd love to travel a whole lot more. Sure, there are a few things I'd like to do before I die. But the big important stuff in my life I've done it all.  Maybe I personally just set my bar pretty low and didn't have huge expectations and goals but is that so bad? Maybe having MS has brought me back to earth and made me realize that some of the most important things in life are the "smallest".

Now all of this pretty much depends on the world literally ending. The death of every life form on the planet, essentially the death of the planet. If life as we know it ends, that's a different story. And if that is case, I'm totally up for it. I really think life was much simpler and more enriching when we were all pioneers. Could I live a life without my car? Internet? Hell, without electricity? I would choose that life. I would give up all modern medicine and conveniences to live a life where you main task is to keep living. We're so distracted with all of "extras" in life, I think it would it would do our society good to go back to a simpler way. People would stress a lot less about jobs, because people didn't really have jobs then like we do now. Their job was to stay alive. The internet and all of the bad habits its taught us would be gone. Cell phones gone. All things that I use on a daily basis and love, but would love even more to give up.

I'm not some crazy granola hippy who is going to go live off the grid or anything, but I just think that we are making life too complex. Too complicated. Too on demand. Too fast. We want it all RIGHT THIS INSTANT. Imagine what it would be like if we had to actually work for something, like real work. You're cold, go cut down a tree chop the wood and build a fire. You're hungry go kill a deer, clean it, and cook it over your fire. Maybe I'm crazy, but I think it would serve us all good to have to actually fend for ourselves for once.