I had a conversation with a good friend today and she was explaining to me how it just didn't seem like I was affected by MS. "I know I don't see you every day, but you seem like the same Dana you were before MS," she said. I think that what she really meant, was that it was hard for her to understand, because it didn't seem like I was physically dealing with anything. I did a lot of explaining about MS, and how it works. I explained that following my attack in November, there are parts of me that aren't ever going to be the same. Symptoms that I am going to continue to have, on a coming and going basis. Because my symptoms aren't necessarily painful, and because they aren't visible to others, I understood why it was so hard for those around me to really understand. I explained to her that I didn't really expect anyone to "get it." I didn't mean this in a negative way at all, I was just being honest. I said that if the tables were turned, I would feel the exact same way that she did. When I was having this talk with her, I ended up making a point that actually sort of shocked me, since I don't feel like I'm all that great at expressing myself lately. I told her that although my symptoms aren't generally painful, and I'm not scootin' around on four wheels, I am reminded of my disease each and every day. Whether it's my little pinky that's shaking uncontrollably as I write this, or parts of my face going numb, or some random muscle twitching like mad, for just a few minutes. These things are so small and they aren't typically painful, they are irritating at best. Everyday though, these invisible symptoms are my reminders. I am reminded each and every day, sometimes in very small ways, and sometimes more dramatic, that my body is ever changing. I explained to her the fears that I have had to deal with, have been one of the most difficult parts of this disease. I like to think I'm tough enough to actually deal with the physical or cognitive symptoms that may rear their ugly heads, but I fear what this would do to the people I love. Maybe I'm not yet ready to admit out loud that I fear becoming a burden on those that I love; that I'll be a source of shame, or that my life will cease to provide some greater purpose. I'm smart enough to find consoling words for myself, so I don't necessarily feel like this is something I need to hear from others. I am not so consumed with these fears that I can't see straight, but for me to deny that there are moments when I become overwhelmed by them, would be downright false. 

I am just five months shy of finding out that I have MS. This is still fresh for me, and sometimes I forget how new it really is. Although I'm not dim enough to feel like I have totally come to grips with this disease, sometimes it feels like I'm just starting over completely, back at square one. I found myself hanging out on the bathroom floor yesterday, begging whoever the hell was listening to my silent plea, to just take this away. "I don't want this anymore" was what I kept saying. How appropriate that I should hide myself away in the smallest room of the house. I feel like so much of this disease is about hiding from others how broken we sometimes really feel. I know I'm not the only one who spends unnecessary energy making sure that others don't know how shitty I really feel, and I'm talking about emotionally. And on the flip side of this, when I am spending time with others, I generally don't want to have go out of my way to let them "know" angry or sad or scared I sometimes feel. I don't want to beg people to see how "affected" I am. This surely only adds to the fact that it may seem that I haven't been changed in any way by MS. This disease has left me at times, feeling more isolated and alone than I have ever felt in my life. I don't necessarily feel like this is something that will change either, and I don't totally think that it has to. I have a community online in which I can find true understanding, and I have family and friends from which I can find true compassion, but I think there will always be moments where none of this is quite enough. I have read various crap about how we're really supposed to be our own best friend, and I sort of understand this a little better these days. There will never be someone who knows "me" better than me. Maybe these little "bathroom breakdown" moments are just part of what keeps me being "mine" and mine alone. But anyway, enough about me and my feelings. Barf.

We all have our vices. Dana's is smoking...mine is laziness. I am the laziest person ever, and as I am getting older it is totally coming back to bite me in the ass. I have put on an astonishing...drum roll please...20+ pounds over the last year (actually, honestly, the last 3-4 months. ew). HOLY HELL. Even before that I was larger than life because of the steroid treatments I have done, which I also found damn near impossible to return to normal afterward. I have been a "bigger" person most of my life, but not life threatening obese or anything. I am not one if those "I'm so fat" girls. But I am one of those "I really wish I looked better and felt less like a manatee in a bathing suit" girls. Around early last year I had a talk with myself and decided that I was going to be happy with where I was in life. I know that everyone has a "resting" place, where if they work really hard, they wont see a whole lot of results, and if they do nothing, they will probably stay where they are. I decided, I'm lazy, and I'm happy, so I chose to do nothing. In mid 2007, I had an attack and was on steroids, just after that I had a horrendous break up, and just after that I got into a new great relationship. I felt a lot of pressure in my previous relationship to "look good". To Impress. To be skinny. So I was constantly worried about how I looked, how hard I worked, and what he/others thought about it. Needless to say, I was a lot self conscience.

Well after getting into my new relationship (which I am currently still in), all of the pressure subsided. My current boyfriend has never told me what not to eat, called me lazy, or put any sort of pressure on me to look any certain kind of way. Well that lack of pressure, while so comforting, has been a contributing factor to the great ballooning of 2008. To which I only blame myself.

I am 24 years old, and it has become quite clear that I have to work to stay mobile now. So, as blogged about before, I joined...yet another fitness center. I feel like I'm that lazy person who joins and then quits gyms. But I just haven't found anything I like, nothing that makes me want to go, and doesn't make me want to stab myself in the throat. So I went for the first time last night. I did a "turbo kick" class, which is an hour long. The gym is a women only gym so there were a vast age range of people in the class. Ranging from the 16 year old high metabolism skinny bitches, to the easily 50+ obese. So I'm thinking, ok, I've got this, I'm somewhere in the middle. Well I gotta tell ya...I didn't have it. I about died 30 minutes in. Not only was I forced to look at myself in the mirror, looking larger than ever, but I also had to watch myself...make an ass out of ...myself, which is borderline cruel and unusual punishment.

So here I am the day after a little sore which was to be expected, but my knees are killing me. I'm a little nervous about going again tonight, but I know it will HAVE to eventually get easier. The older I get, the harder it will be to maintain my health, so I have to make a major stride now in my life to stay mobile. So I will be going to the "fitness center" as often as reasonably possible, not only to show those 16yr olds up, but so that way I can feel good about myself. I think we often for get that while we're living with MS how important physical activity is, I know I did. Working out is really hard for me, because after about 30 minutes of cardio my body heats up and I get instantly fatigued which I'm sure you can relate to. But the class was a little better because I was more focusing on following the instructor as opposed to how much longer until I get to a damn mile on the treadmill. So, I guess what I'm saying is stay mobile. Do it for you. And find something you like, otherwise you WILL give up. Wish me luck.