The only things that irritates me more than stereotypical potheads, are people who think they're real life vampires. All bitching aside, I hear that marijuana has medicinal purposes. In fact I would probably be a prime candidate for Oregon's medical marijuana program, which twelve other states also implement. Although I could totally be sporting the members only jacket in the pot club, or rather becoming legal, I don't have any plans to do so, at least at this time. The problem is, I fear that smoking weed would almost make some of my symptoms worse, such as those of the cognitive nature. Although I admittedly had "brain fog" long before I ever knew I had MS, it has become increasingly worse over the last year, and downright disturbing at times, since my Nov. attack/relapse/exacerbation/whatever. Another issue that has popped up lately is this short term memory business. Making brain jokes is getting a little old already. Now that I know it wasn't "all in my head" and in fact the brain is slightly out of whack, I sort of don't want to mess things up further.

So it seems like here in Oregon, since it is legal to grow and smoke marijuana if you have your handy dandy medical card, everyone and their brother wants to find a reason to get one. However the law here requires that you have one of a handful of specific conditions. It just so happens to be the most vague of these conditions, that of "severe pain", which as of January 2009, qualifies over eighteen thousand patients throughout Oregon to smoke the doob legally. The second highest group of qualifying members, with 5,683 patients, fall into the "persistent muscle spasms included but not limited to those caused my multiple sclerosis" group. Oddly enough, there are only 705 carded members with cancer, and 410 with HIV/+Aids. I suppose some of the people in the "severe pain" or "nausea" categories could also have cancer or HIV/+Aids, but it seems like it would be more logical to simply use the disease to qualify if you could, rather than a symptom. 

Another interesting statistic that I found in my research, was that the Oregon county with the highest number of carded members, aside from the actual largest county in the state, is that of Lane county. The hilarious part about this, is that Eugene is in Lane county. If you know much about Oregon, you know Eugene is the hippy mecca of our state. You venture into Eugene, you are at an immediate risk of being hit in the face by a hackie sack. I live in Marion county, with a population of about 40,000 less than Lane county, yet we have about a third of the amount of carded members as Lane county. Anyway, funny finding.

So let us imagine then that you live in Oregon, and you have one of the various conditions which could qualify you for a medical marijuana card. Your first plan of action would be to visit your doctor, and hope to heck that they are one of the doctors that gives out actual recommendations. Not all do, but a little research and I'm sure there would be no issues getting into a doctor that would perhaps (with a little persistence on your part), hand you over that little slip of paper. Keep in mind however, that this is different than a prescription. You cannot go down to the pharmacy and come home with some sweet bud. Once you receive your recommendation, you will then use this to apply through the state, for your medical card. There is an application for you, with the basics, including where your grow site will be, along with who will be growing the plants. You can actually have a caregiver who takes on this task for you. You cannot have been convicted of a felony within the last five years, and you also need to include $100 for an application fee, unless you already receive some form of assistance from the state or SSI, in which case you pay $20. There is a short application for your attending physician, basically just consisting of a check mark of your condition, signature, yada yada. If you are under eighteen, there is also a small form for your parent/legal guardian to fill out.

It does strike me funny that once you receive your medical marijuana card, you're basically on your own. You or your designated caregiver are in charge of growing your own green. I suppose this isn't such a bad deal though, in fact I think this may be a HUGE part of the appeal for many of those who just might be part of the more "vague" symptoms club. The funny part about this is that the state will have no part in providing starter seeds, right down to even giving advice on where to get them. I did however notice that there are some websites online which give advice on how to go about finding starter seeds. Another important note regarding state laws and medical marijuana use, is that although you may be in compliance with the state, you are not protected from federal law.

So back to what medical marijuana use has to do with multiple sclerosis. Apparently there have been some studies done which show cannabis can be used for the treatment of spasticity, tremor, neuropathic pain, insomnia etc. I already know that there have been times that I have smoked in the past, and definitely gone straight to bed, those were the good experiences. As far as testing it out on any of my other symptoms which have included both spasticity and fine tremor, I can't say I've smoked recently enough to know. I also don't think that my symptoms are severe enough for me to really even notice a difference if I did smoke. I have read plenty of online examples however that have many MS patients who swear by the effects of MS, in fact 15% of those with MS use it. Considering that here in Oregon, there are over five thousand carded members smoking legally, coming from the group that includes MS alone, I'm assuming we have a decent number of MS patients here who are rocking some sweet ass bongs.

One of the main pros for the advocacy of medical marijuana use is that it not only seems to quell various symptoms, but it does so without having any major side effects. If the side effects aren't enjoyable to you, then you don't have to smoke it. It isn't like a drug that you feel like you should try and "tough out" taking until the side effects wear off or anything. Another positive take on legalized smoking is the fact that it is an organic substance, and doesn't contain the amount of toxins and chemicals which are often found in various symptom therapies. I found more than one study which backed up the claim that smoking can have positive effects on the treatment of MS, on some patients anyway. As pointed out on the NMSS site however, studies regarding the use of "cannabis" are tough in the aspect that they cannot be "unblinded" as well as administration levels in regards to various peoples tolerance levels, among other things. Apparently the NMSS is "funding a well controlled study on the effectiveness of different forms of marijuana to treat spasticity in MS...". I'll be interested to see the results.

The major downer in regards to having MS and using marijuana as an alternative symptomatic therapy, has to do with cognitive issues, which was my personal issue. There is a study in a 2008 online edition of the medical journal of the American Academy of Neurology states, "People with MS who smoke marijuana are more likely to have emotional and memory problems." Well, this seems like a somewhat obvious statement. This is definitely my major issue with the thought of smoking weed after my diagnosis. Apparently though, not every single person living with MS deals with cog fog and short term memory. The statistics say something like fifty percent, but this isn't exact I'm sure. I think that those NOT dealing with cognitive issues would definitely be much better candidates.

All in all though, it really boils down to personal choice. Although clinical trials are great, and studies may help us determine the efficacy of a particular symptom therapy, that doesn't necessarily give us answers on how it will work for us. The studies thus far involving the use of medical marijuana haven't really turned me either on or off of the idea altogether. Our bodies are all different, we all have various symptoms, we all react to things differently. Unfortunately, my experiences with smoking weed haven't always been so pleasant. I generally just turn into a panicky, paranoid pig. However as I sit here typing this, and my fricking calve muscle is spazzing like crazy, I'm wondering if there may come a day when I would perhaps like to give weed one more shot, from a medical perspective this time. I think the beauty of this is that I live in one of those states where if I want to smoke something that could potentially relieve some of my symptoms without pumping a bunch of chemicals into my system, I can do that. I think everyone should have this choice.

If you are someone with MS and you smoke weed because it helps you deal with your symptoms, leave a flipping comment and help inform us on how it works for you. If you think smoking weed as a symptom therapy for MS is bullshit, say so. If you live in a state where it is illegal to smoke for medical reasons and you think it is bullshit, say so. Feedback people. I am curious to hear real opinions on the issue, good, bad and in between.  

I'm sure a few of you know who Stan on myspace is, he's the one with the "Angels of MS" or whatever. I personally have some negative feelings about Stan, but that aside, I suppose what he does for some people is a good thing. Anyway, a few years ago there was a post on his blog from a reader in a wheel chair who was talking about how shes having problems dating because people can't get over her wheel chair.  She was barraged with comments like "If they can't see past the chair, they aren't good enough for you", "you don't want someone like that in your life anyway". All of which has little merit in my eyes, and quite frankly is a load of shit. So I went and commented all bullshit aside, and started a shit storm of people essentially telling me I'm full of crap. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something a long the lines of, remember what it was like for you before you were in the chair or before you had MS. Didn't you look? Didn't you stare? Didn't you think negative thoughts about the disabled people you saw? I think there are few people in this world who can actually look at someone disabled and not see their disability AT FIRST. I think many people learn to see past it, but in a passing glance, you will see the wheel chair. If you say you don't, you're bold face lying.

So I was thinking about this the other day, and about how I've seen some website out there for people who are disabled to meet other disabled people for romantic relationships. I've thought a lot about my personal future and the uncertainty it holds for me and anyone else in it. I think often about if I will be a burden on someone. If my disability takes over, will they stick it out with me? And for me, I often think that because I am physically weak, and even sometimes mentally weak, that there would have to be someone "strong" in the relationship. So, all that aside it lead me to wonder if I would ever date someone with a disability. Hell, could I date someone with MS? Oh man this is heavy. Initially I wanted to lie to myself and say, "Yes, of course I would. How could I discriminate against someone just like me. Golly gee, I wouldn't want someone to do that to me". But then I snapped my ass back into the reality of the world I live in and for me, the answer is no. Its not a definitive for sure no, but its a pretty big no. Here's why. I already look at myself as damaged goods, practically as a ticking time bomb. When will I "go off", meaning when will my whole body fall apart and fail me. That's a big responsibility for me, and anyone around me. How the hell could I possibly take care of someone else then, who is also falling apart? Call me a fatalist, sure, but I have a tenancy to explore worst case scenarios. Worst case would be both of us fall apart, and then we're both screwed because we don't have anyone to take care of us. Perfect situation is that no one has any major problems, we live happily ever after, and skip hand in hand through a garden of daisies while fairies whisper sweet spells of love and trust into our ears. Now you tell me which scenario is more likely?

I have heard it all from people about my relationship views. I already know whatever you feel compelled to tell me. I know I could date/marry someone who is healthy and then they get sick, or get into a car accident, or have a tragic fight with a buffalo. Yea yea yea. I got it, but the difference is I wouldn't be going into the relationship expecting a break down. There is a clear understanding in my system, you're the strong one, I'm the weak one. This is my roll,thats yours and we do our best to ignore them, but the reality is that this is how it is and will be.


Maybe if you dated someone with MS there would be more of an understanding for your symptoms and problems, but I still believe that someone has to be a backbone. You have to be able to pick each other up, (mentally and physically), and if you're both rockin' wheelchairs, and are hooked up to IVs all the time, I just don't see it being possible.

I am hella thankful that I have a boyfriend who is capable of looking past my MS. Sometimes I think he even sees straight through it. I don't know if I am a good enough person to do that. But we play our rolls very successfully. Hes the big strong man, and I'm the smart ass diseased girl. I don't feel belittled, or like I'm missing out on anything. I'm glad I'm not dating a wussy dude. I'm not into dating dudes that act like women. Man up, damn it. I don't know if at this point in my life, I could take on someone, like me. I am a pain the ass aside from my MS.

Perhaps I'm an eternal pessimist, or I'm "too young" to understand or some shit like that. Or perhaps I'm one of the few who isn't afraid to say, "I think this way, even if it isn't politically correct".

Last night I decided to get off my huge growing ass and join a gym. I used to go to a gym that was $10/mo but I wasn't motivated, and didn't know enough of what I was doing so I quit. But a friend and I found this new gym. A fitness center if you will, its one of those all women places, with equipment, classes and a circuit. Me likey. So I sat down at the table with Jenny, the incredibly obnoxious manager, and got to talkin' about membership rates. Well to enjoy all of the wonder that is this "fitness center" it was going to cost me $100 to sign up, and $40/mo for a contract of TWO YEARS! And if I ever want to cancel, I have to pay an additional $100. Holy hell. Coming from the discount $10/mo gym I was pretty shocked. I had no idea it would cost this much and was seriously taken back, mostly because I'm a poor kid.

    Well it turns out there is a little room for negotiation with Jenny. So here I am facing another bill, which truthfully I probably can't afford, but I really desperately need to work out. Not just because I feel like a manatee but because we all know that the more we move with MS, the longer we will move. Exercise really is extra important for people with MS. But at this point I'm a little worried about hating this gym after I sign my life away on the contract. So, like I do so often, I start thinking of ways to get out of the contract. And it just so happens I have a shitty disease that can "get me stuff" in certain situations. So I ask Jenny, what if I have an attack and I have to cancel my membership (because I'll be damned if I pay $40/mo for something I can't use). Jenny says, "Well with a Doctor's letter, you can cancel....for $100." And before I could say anything my friend steps in and says "So you're charging her still even if shes sick?" Which is sorta bullshit anyway.

    So long story short, Jen Jen agrees to let me cancel without a fee. Infact, she specifically had to write in an extra clause into my contract. It was ridiculous. So it got me to thinking...is there ever a good time to "pull the disease card?" We get dealt this crappy hand of cards, is it ever ok to make the best out of it? Or is it totally morally wrong to ever get any benefits out of this disease?

    Here's what I think: PULL THE CARD. I got dealt a crappy hand, right, so If I pull an ace from the stack does that mean I should discard? Ok enough card references. But seriously. I don't think its right to fake anything. I would never fake a limp, or a shake or something like that. I would never push it over the top, but every once in a while does it hurt? Lets face it, I didn't lie. I didn't make up the disease, I'm not pretending. I'm merely stating a possible truth, and the fact that they'd charge me to cancel in addition to start seems a little over the top.

    Granted if I choose to leave this "fitness center" it will probably not be on account of an attack. In fact, I made a pact with my friend that if we decided to leave, I'll pay half her cancellation fee because mine will be free. Get this, she can only cancel if she moves over 24 miles away and she has to pay $100. If she moves 23 miles away shes still paying the shit out of that membership. I call bullshit. Anyway, I understand that, that is a business. They need to make their money just as I do. However, isn't there a limit to where we add useless fees onto things? Don't try to tell me your main focus is fitness and making people feel good, you and I both know, its making money. I think if they get to make up fees, I get to pull the card.

    I rarely pull the card, but you know what, sometimes there are times in life when there may be a slight perk, if you will, to having a disease. Maybe, just maybe its canceling your gym membership for free. Sometimes even its a cheaper membership. Who knows what may present itself. I say make the best out of a situation. I never asked Jenny for her pity or sympathy. I never told Jenny about how hard my life is or anything like that, I just said I don't want to pay that fee, its stupid, I have a disease which is also stupid. Pull the card.