A New Low 10/11/2009
 


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So here I am  2:46am...awake as usual. Normally I don't get suckered into infomercials...don't get me wrong, I like to watch them, but I never call or order or anything like that. However tonight, I got suckered in by one. Luminess Air. Its an at home airbrush makeup system. Now this sounds like the ultimate cat lady purchase. However, I assure you it looked really effing cool. So I came here to the handy dandy Mac Book Pro and did some research on the cost and all that jazz and found out this little zinger costs about $180 bucks. Which to be totally honest, if it was as cool as they said it was...I would be all about paying for it.  And I sat here for about 5 seconds and thought...I need this. I need to feel pretty again.

And then it hit me.

In between figuring out how I could swing a totally random and unnecessary $180 impulse buy...and finding my credit card...I realized something.  My god...I feel this bad about myself right now. I have expressed how awful I feel about how I look lately and its has all culminated to this moment for me. Fucking infomercials with a promise of pretty. I feel so far out of my own skin these days. I feel so unlike myself, so like another fucking person trapped in this body that is so not mine...that I want to pay $180 to feel pretty again.  Now I don't know if this is just a staple of being a woman and feeling pressure to always be beautiful, or if this is really all about my health and how it makes me ugly. But I feel so...just..eh. I'm mad at myself for getting this down about how I look. I'm mad that I have to look this way. I'm mad that I'm getting suckered into infomercials with promises to make me feel good. I'm fucking mad that its gotten this bad. I'm mad at the drugs. I'm mad at the doctors. Damn it...I'm so fucking mad about the way things are right now.

I'm mad that I resort to my blog and just bitch to you all because I feel like so many people don't get how deeply rooted this shit is for me. No one understands what its like to look in the mirror and not see your own face. To not recognize yourself. To know that everyone who knows you, is thinking about how different you look all the time. To know that people are talking about you. To have a co-worker say to your face "Hey, do you know you're gaining weight?". Yes. Thank you. I am full aware.

I want my identity back. I want my face back. I want my life before all of this. I want sleep and confidence and to not worry about whether or not I'm going to end up in the hospital again. I don't want to have to worry about how soon I should make an appointment at the wig shop because my hair is still falling out. Or if I should just go balls to the wall and shave my head...and then if I shave my head will my boyfriend still like me. I want to be 24 years old and be normal. I want to not be sitting at my computer at 2:55am...crying about how shitty things are. I want to not be such a damn baby about things and keep on truckin' because you don't choose the hand you're dealt. You're just dealt.
 
 

I have a lot of new ideas of entries for your reading pleasure, however am not really in a research kind of mood. So instead I'm going to talk about my super sweet sign language class that I started last night. I have wanted to learn sign language for a really long time and there was a community ed class that became available so I jumped all over it. While super geeked about this class and really excited to learn something new (I know, I like to learn, how laaame .) as the class grew closer I became increasingly more nervous that I wouldn't be able to actually learn and retain the information in the class.

As that class began and the teacher started talking I was listening like I had never listened before. Like this was my last chance to ever learn something again in my life. I started really thinking about the what-ifs. What if I love this, and then one day I can't move my fingers enough to sign? What if I can't retain any of this information and my goal of learning this new and exciting thing is totally lost? What a drag.

Well the class moved a long and turns out I really liked it. I wanted to know more instantly, and while my brain wasn't exactly the sponge it once was I learned a lot. I practiced when I left and even this morning on the way to work finger spelling random words. I can't remember the entire alphabet but I remember almost everything we learned last night. Its going to be tough, and I'm going to have to actually study which is something I NEVER did in high school or college. I gotta tell you it was WAY easy just having everything be easy and never studying, but for the first time for me learning will be hard. It will totally rewarding, as lame as that sounds, but its going to be damn hard.

Its sad that at 24 I already feel like I'm not capable of learning new things. If can't remember things I already know, how the crap am I supposed to learn something new? I'm not really sure, especially with the vast hole that my brain seems to be at times. I don't know. I'm thinking about taking small videos of myself after each class doing the signs that I learned so I can remember, because taking notes doesn't really help with sign language. I think that would be beneficial and I guess that's what its all about, learning to use things in new ways. It seems like more so than ever I'm under the "if you don't use it you lose it" mentality. Which is why I try to write by hand and type a lot everyday because I know that skills have been lost since my teenage years. Hopefully I can learn this language, remember it, and be able to put it to good use.

So as I embark on this new journey, new language, and new community, I'm really excited, but also terrified. We'll see how it goes!