Well its been awhile since I've last updated. I gave the fiber, the papaya enzyme a good month to work, and even though there was that one day of hope....I saw no changes.  How effing depressing.

Sometimes I wanna I just wanna be like "really...ass problems...c'mon, throw me a bone here". We've been talking a lot about symptoms lately and there are some really shitty ones out there, but sometimes I get really pissed off and bitter that mine all revolve around my asshole. I hate being Fiber conscious, and buying fiber products at the store. I'm not 80 damn it, I'm a pretty attractive chick in my 20's...buying Fiber at the drug store doesn't exactly do much for my self esteem.

I went back to the gastro, and he said he wanted to give me one more Fiber supplement to try. He wants to try this one last thing on the natural route, because, and I quote " I'm too young to start on medication".

While I appreciate his eagerness to keep me off extra medication, and taking my age into account...that doesn't change the fact that I AM, in fact young, and I DO in fact have MS, and I also CANNOT POOP.  This is one of the few symptoms that I deal with constantly, and one of the few that I would gladly take medication if I knew it would help.

So needless to say I'm trying a different supplement now, this one is Fiber-sure, which is a powder and I am starting on 1 heaping teaspoon a day.  I was also instructed that if I do not have a bowel movement within 48 hrs...to also take milk of magnesium. I am not taking the Benefiber or Papaya Enzyme with this other stuff. So this could be an interesting month...I'm not going to lie...I'm hopeful. But I also fear it will work too well and I will be shitting my pants uncontrollably....

So lets talk about how I feel like an idiot ALL THE FLIPPIN' TIME. Dana recently talked about her cog fog problems, which I can totally relate to. There are definitely times where I just cannot process a real thought, and other times where I really have to work to understand what someone is saying. I give people this "deer in the headlights" face often, but it really just means that I'm trying like crazy to follow the conversation.

I used to pride myself on being a intelligent, educated, and thoughtful person with an extensive vocabulary. However over the last 2 years or so I'm pretty sure I'm getting dumber. I have even in fact, honestly and sincerely asked a few people that I know if they think I'm getting dumber.  And it appears to be getting worse. I cannot remember things to save my life, and I have all these people I know who say things like "oh I know, I can't remember stuff either" or "i forget all the time too!". Wrong. This is different. I hate to pull the "I'm dumber than you" card but I'm gonna. You can take some ginko and remember stuff...I can't make my myelin grow back and repair the holes in my brain. I think I trump you. I win. It's different.

This morning I woke up, and remembered I had a meeting for work, one that required me to look nice and put make up on, you know to make people think I really do know what I'm talking about. Its all doom and gloom outside so I was bummed that I'd have to walk across town in the rain and my nice pants to go to this meeting with people I've never met. The meeting is scheduled for and hour and a half from now, so I started to prep myself for it. I reread the email from the coordinator about the meeting....Blah blah blah....location....time....date....  Ok got it. Thursday at 3.

Well on my planet today is Wednesday, not Thursday. I had spend all last night and this morning thinking this meeting was today. I read the very same email last night before I left work and went, ok yup, 3 on Thursday. Now this may be a fairly innocent error, could happen to anyone right? But it doesn't. It doesn't happen to everyone weekly....daily.

My boss even recently made a joke about my forgetfulness, which is when it sorta really truly hit home. People are noticing, and not only am I forgetful but its making me, a once intelligent, educated, well versed person, now look a total complete ditz. I would say its humbling, but it was humbling the first year of my disease. Cognitive issues definitely took me off my "I'm smart" high horse. Not only have I proven to myself and the world, that I am in fact not smart, but am also getting dumber.

I don't have many people in my life who let me feel sorry for myself in these instances, which is helpful. But until meeting Dana, no one understood it. No one gets whats its like to know that you're not dumb, but for everyone around you to think of you as the ditz. No one gets what its like to actually have to concentrate on normal conversations just to understand them, or what its like to write EVERYTHING down, but then still forget about it.

I write EVERYTHING down for work, otherwise I will truly walk around like an idiot. If I forget my notebook, I'm worthless. But even sometimes when I write it down, I forget. I do everything I can to stay on top of the black hole that is my brain, but it seems like no matter what I do to fight it, its getting worse.

I don't ever feel like my head is clear and focused. It feels like a case of ADD and Alzheimer's combined together. I can't focus, I can't remember, sometimes it even feels like I can't learn anything either. Having cognitive issues is one of the worst that I've ever experienced in my life. Its enough to put even the cockiest person in their place. It almost makes you feel like you don't know who you are anymore. After all, if you can't control what goes on in your head, the way you think, talk, and interact with people....who are you? You sure as hell don't feel like yourself.

So I'm getting all teary and stupid over this, but what happens when I don't remember what it was like to be me. To be a smart intelligent person who could be insightful and carry a conversation? What happens when all I am is the flaky space cadet who can't remember to put on pants every morning?

I guess everyday will be a no pants party.

Well I survived. I got to the Ass Man early in hopes of getting out of there early, however as per usual at the doctors they take for-fucking-ever. So I'm sitting in the room, surrounded by diagram after diagram of colons and intestines and all sorts of other super stuff. The nurse comes in and turns out, she was cool. She chatted me up, and thankfully didn't ask me about all of my symptoms because I wasn't really in the mood to repeat myself 1,000 times (don't they EVER read the effing chart?). So she informs me that I will probably have the Doc as well as a fellowship on my case. Well AWESOME, I felt like saying. Whats better than talking about your asshole and poop with a total stranger...2 TOTAL STRANGERS! Bonus!

So I'm hoping for the poop fairy to swoop in an grant me one wish which would be to just have one totally normal doctor. Well turns out the poop fairy doesn't exist...who knew?! So in walks the fellowship guy....which is actually slightly attractive. Damn it. And instead of playing the shy game, I let him have it. I had already made my symptoms lists before my appointment so I was rapid firing what my average dump is like. He couldn't write fast enough. So then he leaves to consult with the good 'ol doctor. I then wait for about a year for them to come back into the room and in walks this little dude. So not only am I lucky enough to get 2 doctors...but 2 male doctors. O Happy Day.  So the doctors asks why I have come in. GREAT! Remember that part about not reading the charts? So I get to rehash my fantastically embarrassing bowel movement fairy tale with these guys for a second time. The doctor is a nice guy...kinda quirky but nice. And the whole time hes there all I can think is , "Please don't put a finger in my ass. Please don't put a finger in my ass.....". So after a chat about my liquid pooh, my college degree, and the weather...doctor says, "Poop Princess, you have IBS". And in a sick way I felt relieved, although not really. I wanted to scream at him, yea no shit (pun intended). P.S. I for see the poop puns never getting old. So deal with it.

He tells me at my age, he wants to take the "natural" route...so take 2 benefiber tablets a day, eat the crap outta some veggies/fruits, and see ya in 4 weeks. And I appreciate the natural route, I do, really...but COME ON! You can't give me a break from my routine of anti-diarrheal's, pepto tablets, gas-x, tums...ect? Really I just paid you a copay for you to tell me to eat fiber? Damn it.

So that's what I'm doing. I am going to eat fiber like its my job. I would say I'm hopeful...but I'd be lying. The reality is I'm stoked that I didn't get a finger or any other probing object up my bunghole, but it still doesn't really tell me that I'm all kinds of healthy. If I had a crystal ball, I bet it would show me a camera up my ass in my future.

One of the most common problems among MSers is bowel issues, as much as we HATE to admit it. This is a problem that one of us has had some major issues with, however since its not exactly something that awesome chicks like us like to admit, we're going to post our poopy pants problems anonymously. Its a last ditch effort to save what little dignity we have left. The reality is this is an all-to-common problem, and it needs to be talked about openly, and with the graces of the anonymity of the interwebz we can now do this. And with that,  I introduce to you the poop princess.

I have had bowel problems for easily the last 10 years. When I was in high school I swore that once I was a grownup with my own insurance I would get this addressed immediately. I however, lied to myself. The idea of someone creepin' around my bunghole wasn't exactly top of the priority list. I did go last year to a specialist, but felt like an idiot and was pretty much disregarded by the doctor. Humiliation complete, thanks doc. But over the last year or so my ass has had one hell of an attitude and it has once again become time to address the situation. Tomorrow, I will be going to yet another Ass Man. And this time, yes it IS a man. Holy Hell could this get any worse? YES Am I nervous? HELL YES. Do I think the dr is going to be staring wildly at my asshole? YES. Will this be possibly the worst thing I've encountered in a while? HELL YES. 

But do I need to go? yes. Will the start of this process make me totally miserable? Yes. Will I get some good shit to write about and probably make you all laugh at my misery. Sources say yes.

So as a I chronicle my pain in the ass (pun intended) doctor's visit and future visits, be glad its not you that has posted your personal shit (pun intended) on the interwebz for the world to see. And hopefully if I can help one of you turds (no pun intended) out there to get through this too...it will all be worth it. No, thats a lie. It still will not be worth it.