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Hi. Remember me? I'm Jackie, I run this website about MS, and we haven't talked in a while but I'm back now. Ironically enough, first blog back, I'm not going to talk about MS at all.

If anyone still reads this blog...you know that I've been totally MIA now for about 2+ months. Yea, sorry about that.

I did some writing while I was gone, however now that I go back and read what I wrote its possibly the most depressing shit you've ever read. So...instead of posting the "in the moment" stuff...I'm gonna post the aftermath.

I spend 21 days out of the month of July in the hospital. I had 5 E.R. visits. 9 days in the Cardiac wing where I was easily the youngest patient by  50+ years, and 4 of those days in the Cardiac I.C.U.

So heres the story, and I'm going to keep it short because...well I want to keep whatever readers I still have.
 
 
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You may (or may not) have noticed I've been hiding. I've been hinting at some other larger issues that have been going on, ones I have/had no desire to talk about. But alas, this wouldn't be the place I want to create if I keep hiding from you. So lets just get it out there, rip the band-aid. I have now also been diagnosed with Colitis.Ew gross, embarrassing, currently searching for a rock to hide under. A big one that can cover me forever, hide my embarrassment, my face, and persevere the smallest bit of dignity I still have left.

I feel like I'm starting over again. New diagnosis, again diagnosed by a shitty doctor who hasn't told me a damn thing. All that I know is that I've spend the last 4 days in the hospital. All I know is that it feels like I'm dying and so far, no one has told me why.

I have a serious distaste for steroids...guess what the treatment for a Colitis attack is....steroids. I feel defeated. I'm angry again. And I'm pretty sure the steroids last night made me go a little crazy. I shit you not, I heard voices, and felt like I wasn't in control of my body. It was terrifying. I didn't sleep last night. I have finally been able to eat/drink without vomiting for the first time in over a week but I still feel too weak to do anything. I dont even have it within me to bitch about the two different E.R.s I was in, in the past week. Its hard to breathe.

I am being dramatic, yes I know.

I'm having a really hard time staying on top of the meds, 9 pills a day. Plus, the steroids for now. Am highly considering giving up on the trial. Just can't keep my life/ar appointments straight right now.

Will get back into blogging once I stop feeling sorry for myself.