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If you recall, Dr. Bill gave me some homework after my healing session with him. He told me to take some time for myself, create space, and think about the conflicts in my life. So last night I did just that. And I'm really conflicted over how it went. I've had these furniture pieces that I've been wanting to paint/refinish for a while and I really enjoy "crafting" if you will, so I decided to cancel dinner with a friend last night, sit in my garage and work on my projects. Do something that makes me happy. Dr. Bill had told me to disconnect and turn off my phone but shockingly enough I'm not all that popular so I decided to leave it on, besides people FLIP when you turn your phone off. I also usually work with the radio on and I decided this time to sit alone with my thoughts in the silence. Within the first 15 minutes I received 3 text messages from people who never text me and a phone call....

So I decided to turn the phone off. A small wave of ...I don't know, panic..flushed over me. WHAT IF SOMEONE CALLS AND ITS IMPORTANT? Clearly, I have a problem disconnecting. A problem creating space. So I left it off while I was outside and I painted and I sanded and I thought about stuff. And I don't really feel like I sorted anything out, which is totally fine. But I did leave my garage mad. I was pissed off. Sure, I thought about some stuff that upsets me, but for the most part I wasn't dwelling on bad things, but I was in a foul mood. WTF? This is supposed to be a calming exercise. It was supposed to help me sort shit out and I ended up...mad? How does one screw this up?!
 
 
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I have talked previously about spiritual healing and how I have gone to see a Shaman and have them "heal" me. The woman that I went to see was a total nut job and I spent about and hour and like $60 trying not to laugh.  I didn't go back.

Well, the guy who referred me to her is now an official Shaman. I'd like to think I'm a pretty rational, logical human being, so naturally believing in spiritual healing is a little tough for me. But this person who does the healing is a family friend, and a totally normal, rational guy. Someone who functions in life like a real person, owns a business, is an ophthalmologist and a general cool person to be around. And he believes in this stuff. Hes been to Peru countless times to train with traditional Shamans and whatnot. Its hard to have someone like this in your life who is asking to help you and to keep denying them. Hes approached me countless times to see if I'd like his help/guidance or anything. And at this point...what do I have to lose? I'm on medications that are making me crazy, fat, ugly, and sicker in some senses. How can I say no?


 
 

Warning: Really bad metaphor to follow. Control your vomit reflexes please.

So I had something happen to me last night that changed my views on things a bit. In order to help talk about this in the vaguest terms possible I'm going to use a giant lame-o metaphor. Its gonna be exciting.

I often talk about cards. What ones we get dealt, and when to play them, and as it turns out I'm a so-so poker player but I'm not really one to be giving advice about poker. But we all get dealt a hand in life. Some of the cards are shitty. We have MS cards, which we'll call a pair of 2s because that makes for a stupid poker hand...but at least its a pair. Its a constant, its something to count on in one way or another. Well lets say you're playing 5 card poker and you get a bunch of other off suit cards that don't help you do anything. Its a shitty hand, and that shitty hand will dictate the way you play your game in life. And I have been pissed about the hand that I got dealt for a long time.

And even when I drew 3 new cards I always expected shitty ones because that's what I was used to having. Deuces and a bunch of other shitty cards, no matter who was dealing. So here I am stuck with this shitty hand bound to lose.

BUT...last night something happened. Someone told me something, that I never considered. What if...a new game starts. What if periodically we get dealt a new hand? Maybe we will always have a pair of 2s but the other cards could all change. Maybe I get dealt 3 Aces after that. Just because you got bad cards before, doesn't always mean you will continue to do so.

And I don't understand why I never got this before, and why making lemonade out of lemons never crossed my mind. Sometimes we need to really start over, press the reset. We know we have MS, maybethat's our one guarantee. But nothing else is guaranteed to do well... or to fail. Not everything will suck because you had to fold your first poker hand at life. Maybe you need to fold your cards, think of it as a necessary loss, and get new freakin' cards. There are a ton of other winning hands available with a pair of twos, that maybe you're missing out on because you're not ready to fold. I gotta tell you...I learned. Fold the bad cards. Stop bluffing your way through things. Let go of the bad cards...Get a new hand.

And if you know nothing about cards...here's the cliffsnotes: Hate, Anger, and fear are all baggage. Let it go before you risk losing something worth keeping. Just because things have been bad for you 4 out of 5 times...that still leaves 1. It doesn't mean everything will always be bad.

Hey...I never claimed to know it all, (or be any good at metaphors), and maybe some of you out there already got this advice and took it before. But until someone broke it down for me, I couldn't see how to move on from the past.

Not only am I getting new cards...I'm buying a whole new effing deck. One of the nice ones, that are all slippery and have holes in the center and have a nice wooden engraved case with my name on it.