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You may (or may not) have noticed I've been hiding. I've been hinting at some other larger issues that have been going on, ones I have/had no desire to talk about. But alas, this wouldn't be the place I want to create if I keep hiding from you. So lets just get it out there, rip the band-aid. I have now also been diagnosed with Colitis.Ew gross, embarrassing, currently searching for a rock to hide under. A big one that can cover me forever, hide my embarrassment, my face, and persevere the smallest bit of dignity I still have left.

I feel like I'm starting over again. New diagnosis, again diagnosed by a shitty doctor who hasn't told me a damn thing. All that I know is that I've spend the last 4 days in the hospital. All I know is that it feels like I'm dying and so far, no one has told me why.

I have a serious distaste for steroids...guess what the treatment for a Colitis attack is....steroids. I feel defeated. I'm angry again. And I'm pretty sure the steroids last night made me go a little crazy. I shit you not, I heard voices, and felt like I wasn't in control of my body. It was terrifying. I didn't sleep last night. I have finally been able to eat/drink without vomiting for the first time in over a week but I still feel too weak to do anything. I dont even have it within me to bitch about the two different E.R.s I was in, in the past week. Its hard to breathe.

I am being dramatic, yes I know.

I'm having a really hard time staying on top of the meds, 9 pills a day. Plus, the steroids for now. Am highly considering giving up on the trial. Just can't keep my life/ar appointments straight right now.

Will get back into blogging once I stop feeling sorry for myself.
 
Brainz and stuff 06/02/2009
 
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So it's been forever since I did an update on anything from my little corner of the MS world. I finally have something worthy of writing about however, since yesterday I went in to have some neuropsychological testing done. I was oddly exited about going in for the tests, I guess partially because the brain is just so darn fascinating. Since learning that my brain may look a little more like swiss than cheddar, I definitely want to learn more about how it processes. 

My boyfriend went to the appointment with me, since I wasn't sure I'd want to drive home from Portland afterwards, considering my taxed brain may not enjoy the highways and byways. Also, he hasn't been to a Dr. appointment with me since I was seeing my first neurologist, and I think he secretly enjoys being a part of this process. I know I like having him there, simply because it helps make me feel a little more understood by him.  

So the first half hour of the appointment consisted of just conversation about changes that I have noticed not only in the last few years, but since my diagnosis. I went over with her the issues of short term memory, my inability to focus at times, as well as just feeling overall foggy. She asked a lot of questions about work and we talked a bit about my plans for getting back to school this fall. She was a bit concerned at my plan to do full time classes, as well as keep working (albeit very few hours) and suggested maybe doing part time classes. I'm definitely taking this suggestion into consideration, but stretching out my education any longer than I need to, isn't exactly thrilling. I am the queen of the impatience. She also offered a few suggestions for ways to make work a bit more bearable when I'm finding myself overwhelmed. We also talked a lot about stress, which isn't something any of us can just make disappear, but she wants me to work on ways to better deal. She has referred me to a certain psychologist who will help teach me some skills in this department, and I'm not opposed to that at all. It was interesting to hear my boyfriend pipe up and answer some questions regarding changes that he's noticed in me as well. I have to admit, it was definitely interesting to hear things from his perspective. He pointed out my increase in "word fishing" which is sort of hilarious, as well issues with my memory. He talked about how he'll tell me something, and I will swear up and down that he never told me. Dr. Sherman made a good point, that part of this is just selective hearing, which happens a lot in relationships, but the fact that it's happening so much may be part of my cognitive issues. One thing that was slightly disturbing was to hear was that he's noticed me begin to struggle with writing, which is something that came a lot easier for me in the past. He mentioned the blog, and how it could sometimes take me days to finish writing a short little post, but how in the past I could write a research paper in a day. I was a little embarrassed by this verbal, third party acknowledgement of my less than exemplary writing skills. I feel like it's a good metaphor for how I'm just sluggish at times, with everything. I feel like my processing time for just about everything, as well as my production time, has gone way down.   

 
Sexy time. 05/06/2009
 

So I did a little snippet in the old newsletter about sex and MS, and its sorta important so lets revisit. Lets talk about sex, baby.  So if you're my mom, or some other family member and this weirds you out...stop reading now. We're going to talk about the problems women with MS face, and give some possible solutions in an  attempt to save our sex lives.  The number one issue reported is loss of libido. Which is probably no news to you.  The next complaint is vaginal dryness and loss of ability to orgasm. Which if there is one way to kill a mood it’s a dry va-jay jay, with a side of no orgasm. To top it all off there is always that really cool possibility of losing bladder control during your orgasm if you can even get to that point. So what do we do about it?  Well you could swear off sex forever, but I’m going to guess that’s not going to work for any man (or woman, I don't judge) in your life. But how do you explain to your man (or woman, again, no judging) that it’s hard to get in the mood, and even if you get there your hoo-ha might not be on board and you’re afraid that you might pee all over them even if you do get to orgasm.

Well you can start by simply explaining that MS can impair the nerves in your vagina, which then makes it difficult to respond to sexual stimuli.  Or you cannot explain that, and stock up on your favorite lubricant and make sure to use a lot of it. In most cases when women report that lubricants are not working for them, it is because they aren’t using enough.  Applying lubricant can be a bit of a downer (unless you're all freaky like that) but choose between having a wrecked mood for a minute or completely breaking off the whole deal.

As for dealing with a low libido there aren’t really any great quick fixes. There are a few drugs you can take to up your sex drive, and there is always counseling for your relationship.  I don’t necessarily think that counseling will help, its not like you’re not attracted to your partner and you need to rekindle things but rather your body is rejecting the idea of sex.  There is also no great way to deal with bladder control.  The best option is to make sure you go to the bathroom right before sex.   I’m sure there is some drug you can take to help this too, but if you’re like me, you pick and choose your drugs to keep them minimal.

Also its my opinion that the more sex you have, the more sex you want.  We get so self-conscious about our bodies and all of the crazy stuff that could happen or could go wrong that we totally take yourself out of the mood.  If we just let go and let our partners do their job they will be happier and in the long run hopefully you will too.  Also as embarrassing as it is, talk to your doctor. These are the people we talk to about bladder and bowel incontinence, we shouldn’t be afraid to talk about out lacking sex lives. 

And not to brag or anything, but I don't really have any of these problems, so I'm by no means the authority on fixing MS related problems while doing the dirty. So if you have something that works, or something you heard from a friend of a friend, comment. Let others know.

We are women in our 20s to 30s (and even all you old ladies out there deserve some good bumpin') ; there is no reason that our sex lives should be suffering.  We have the rest of our lives to have bad sex...