So lets talk about how I feel like an idiot ALL THE FLIPPIN' TIME. Dana recently talked about her cog fog problems, which I can totally relate to. There are definitely times where I just cannot process a real thought, and other times where I really have to work to understand what someone is saying. I give people this "deer in the headlights" face often, but it really just means that I'm trying like crazy to follow the conversation.

I used to pride myself on being a intelligent, educated, and thoughtful person with an extensive vocabulary. However over the last 2 years or so I'm pretty sure I'm getting dumber. I have even in fact, honestly and sincerely asked a few people that I know if they think I'm getting dumber.  And it appears to be getting worse. I cannot remember things to save my life, and I have all these people I know who say things like "oh I know, I can't remember stuff either" or "i forget all the time too!". Wrong. This is different. I hate to pull the "I'm dumber than you" card but I'm gonna. You can take some ginko and remember stuff...I can't make my myelin grow back and repair the holes in my brain. I think I trump you. I win. It's different.

This morning I woke up, and remembered I had a meeting for work, one that required me to look nice and put make up on, you know to make people think I really do know what I'm talking about. Its all doom and gloom outside so I was bummed that I'd have to walk across town in the rain and my nice pants to go to this meeting with people I've never met. The meeting is scheduled for and hour and a half from now, so I started to prep myself for it. I reread the email from the coordinator about the meeting....Blah blah blah....location....time....date....  Ok got it. Thursday at 3.

Well on my planet today is Wednesday, not Thursday. I had spend all last night and this morning thinking this meeting was today. I read the very same email last night before I left work and went, ok yup, 3 on Thursday. Now this may be a fairly innocent error, could happen to anyone right? But it doesn't. It doesn't happen to everyone weekly....daily.

My boss even recently made a joke about my forgetfulness, which is when it sorta really truly hit home. People are noticing, and not only am I forgetful but its making me, a once intelligent, educated, well versed person, now look a total complete ditz. I would say its humbling, but it was humbling the first year of my disease. Cognitive issues definitely took me off my "I'm smart" high horse. Not only have I proven to myself and the world, that I am in fact not smart, but am also getting dumber.

I don't have many people in my life who let me feel sorry for myself in these instances, which is helpful. But until meeting Dana, no one understood it. No one gets whats its like to know that you're not dumb, but for everyone around you to think of you as the ditz. No one gets what its like to actually have to concentrate on normal conversations just to understand them, or what its like to write EVERYTHING down, but then still forget about it.

I write EVERYTHING down for work, otherwise I will truly walk around like an idiot. If I forget my notebook, I'm worthless. But even sometimes when I write it down, I forget. I do everything I can to stay on top of the black hole that is my brain, but it seems like no matter what I do to fight it, its getting worse.

I don't ever feel like my head is clear and focused. It feels like a case of ADD and Alzheimer's combined together. I can't focus, I can't remember, sometimes it even feels like I can't learn anything either. Having cognitive issues is one of the worst that I've ever experienced in my life. Its enough to put even the cockiest person in their place. It almost makes you feel like you don't know who you are anymore. After all, if you can't control what goes on in your head, the way you think, talk, and interact with people....who are you? You sure as hell don't feel like yourself.

So I'm getting all teary and stupid over this, but what happens when I don't remember what it was like to be me. To be a smart intelligent person who could be insightful and carry a conversation? What happens when all I am is the flaky space cadet who can't remember to put on pants every morning?

I guess everyday will be a no pants party.

So today marks week seven of being on Avonex. After my horrid shot experience with week five, in which I called upon the nursing expertise of my neighbor to inject me, I am back on track as of last week. I have been practicing on an orange *almost* everyday, and I guess maybe that's helped a little. My neighbor came over both last week and this week to sit with me, and honestly, if she hadn't, I think I would have been in probably the same boat as week five. My big issue is that once I get my needle on, I sort of get it close to my leg, and freeze. Something I did a little differently today that seemed to work pretty well, was simply not looking as the needle went in. I just sort of place it where it needed to go, took a few deep breaths, and focused on the wall in front of me as I injected. My blood was definitely pumping, the heart rate was accelerated, but the longer I wait, the worse it gets. Ugh. I'm glad it's over, and next week will be the real test, since I won't have her nursing eyes here giving me the added pressure I need to just flipping do it. Overall, I do have faith in myself, I know I can do it. I think I've just mentally built it up to be this thing that's big and scary, which is strange, given the ease I had during the first few shots. Thankfully it's only once a week, which Jackie pointed out as the perk. Definitely the one and only perk.

 Tomorrow morning I go in for my first follow up since starting the Avonex. I am interested whether or not it will really be worth my time/money. I don't want to be one of those people that tirelessly complains about how useless their doctor is, but honestly, the neurologist I'm seeing right now seems pretty useless. He couldn't answer any of the questions I had for him at the last appointment. He sort of just likes to make things black and white, yes or no. He also enjoys answering questions by simply bobbing his head up and down, or back and forth. If there is anything that I have learned about MS thus far, it isn't flipping black and white. It seems to me there's an awful lot of grey area here. Acknowledgement would be nice. Anyhow, perhaps I'll go in tomorrow and he'll knock my socks off, if not with personality, then at least with some inkling of doctorly know how. I am crossing my fingers that my uber busy specialist will not re-re-schedule my appointment again, which is now set for April 14th.

 On another note, my mom dropped by out of the blue today, and she was all teary. She had been listening to Dr. Laura, whom she knows I LOATHE with a passion. There was a male caller who was 26, who called in for (ugh) Dr. Laura's advice. So he was diagnosed with MS, and he was wondering if it was right of him to continue to pursue finding a relationship, given the possibilities of disability in the future. My mom was seriously torn up after listening to this, which left me mildly depressed as well. I know that I haven't been diagnosed for very long, but I do remember the first month being the absolute worst for me, as far as fear and anxiety. I knew it would get better, and it has, although I'm by no means whatsoever "fear free" when it comes to my future. Is it possible to ever be completely free of fear when you live with a disease that can come and go, and hit you totally out of left field? I don't think so. 

Anyhow, I "secondhandly" felt super bad for this dude. Seriously, it's hard enough being an openly emotional girl, and dealing with this. Being the free spirit I am with relaying my true feelings, I really haven't been 100% open with anyone in terms of future fears, except for with my boyfriend and mom, and jackie of course. I wonder what sort of support system this guy has. If he was calling Dr. Laura for advice, I'm thinking he might need more people to talk to and confide in, and I'm not talking "internet hugs" or some crap like that. This dude needs to be heard, and needs somebody to tell him that he's totally normal for feeling the way he feels. My answer would simply be that there is no reason he shouldn't continue to pursue finding a relationship following his diagnosis. He may not find a cool chick right off the bat, who is willing to date someone with MS, but I believe he will eventually. And once he does, nothing is written in stone, MS or no MS. I don't think any of us can map out our future the way we want, in terms of the relationships we have now, and the ones that have yet to begin. We can work to make them the best they can be, and this is all we can do. I'm sure there's better advice out there, but in my sleepy Avonex haze, this is the best I can do.  

I went grocery shopping last week, and for the first time in my adult life, used an actual shopping cart during a "solo" shopping trip. Sure, this probably sounds silly, but I've always been more of a "basket" shopper. This probably accounts for the fact that I'm at the grocery store at the very least, every other day. I don't ever do a ton of shopping at one time. For some reason, I've always had a bit of a hang up about using an actual cart. My reasons for this are sorted, and would probably sound ridiculous, so I will spare any more elaboration. The fact is there have been a few times recently that I have been at the store alone, and found myself suddenly overwhelmed with some random leg weakness. I was so freaked out the first time it happened, I honestly felt like I wouldn't be able to walk myself out to my car. After standing in one spot for a few moments, the feeling passed and I was able to continue on, but it was definitely a new and different experience. So I finally decided that perhaps the shopping cart could serve as not only a secret crutch while perusing the isles, but I would also be able to do some real grocery shopping for a change.  

It was just after nine in the morning and here I am strolling around the store with my shopping cart, feeling almost liberated at having let go of my prior hang up. Because it was so early on a weekday, the store was really quiet. I was thoroughly enjoying my "shopping experience". I'm hanging out in the section which houses paper and pens and post its, and I look up to see a lady in the same isle as me, who is leaning on her cart and walking with a limp. I found myself immediately wondering what exactly her "disability" was. It seemed like every time I turned my head that morning, I was seeing people in scooters, and with canes, and walking with limps. Having a newfound fear that I may one day rely on a cane or maybe four wheels to get me around, it seems like I am really "seeing" those that are disabled now. It isn't to say that before my diagnosis I never noticed people in wheelchairs or walking with canes, but I didn't become engaged in thought on what perhaps their respective disability was. I never really looked at them and tried putting myself in their place, I just didn't put much thought into it.

So last night Andy and I went to pick up his mom for a family event. She has fibromyalgia, and in the last ten years, her health issues have become an increasing burden on her ability to move around. She doesn't do a ton of walking, and generally uses a walker or a cane around the house. Although she will take her cane out in public with her, she absolutely refuses to use the walker unless she's at home. For her, using her walker out in public would be like "giving up". Over the last four years, I have heard her complain many times about her difficulties getting around, but I could never really empathize with the frustration or the embarrassment she described. So Andy suggested that she take the walker last night, and she of course refused. At the risk of sounding totally "self help" and cliche, I told her that maybe the benefits of the walker would outweigh her worry that people would be staring. I told her that before I ever thought I would potentially need one of these "walking devices" in my future, I never really payed any mind to people using them. This was when she informed me that before I will ever need anything of the sort, she really believed they would find a cure for MS. Well, here's to hope anyway. I let the conversation go. The walker stayed behind, and the cane went with us. 

Although my words weren't enough to get Andy's mom to take the walker, it got me thinking again on how I really didn't notice people using walking devices much before the MS, but now it seems that they're everywhere! So what if the day comes that I actually need some help getting around? Will I be able to take my own advice, and not be bogged down with the fear that people are staring at me? How differently would I feel if I lost my mobility tomorrow versus thirty years from now? I hate to sound all young and selfish, but it seems like the younger you are, the more difficult it would be to wrap your mind around using a walking device. Perhaps your fellow shoppers wouldn't notice a thing, but how would you feel about yourself? I suppose we are our own worst enemies. I guess with the added weight of a disability, there is this need to have super abilities in the self esteem department. If we know that we are the coolest people on the planet no matter what, then walking with a cane or using a wheelchair wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. So the question then becomes, what makes you the coolest person on the planet?