So today marks week seven of being on Avonex. After my horrid shot experience with week five, in which I called upon the nursing expertise of my neighbor to inject me, I am back on track as of last week. I have been practicing on an orange *almost* everyday, and I guess maybe that's helped a little. My neighbor came over both last week and this week to sit with me, and honestly, if she hadn't, I think I would have been in probably the same boat as week five. My big issue is that once I get my needle on, I sort of get it close to my leg, and freeze. Something I did a little differently today that seemed to work pretty well, was simply not looking as the needle went in. I just sort of place it where it needed to go, took a few deep breaths, and focused on the wall in front of me as I injected. My blood was definitely pumping, the heart rate was accelerated, but the longer I wait, the worse it gets. Ugh. I'm glad it's over, and next week will be the real test, since I won't have her nursing eyes here giving me the added pressure I need to just flipping do it. Overall, I do have faith in myself, I know I can do it. I think I've just mentally built it up to be this thing that's big and scary, which is strange, given the ease I had during the first few shots. Thankfully it's only once a week, which Jackie pointed out as the perk. Definitely the one and only perk.

 Tomorrow morning I go in for my first follow up since starting the Avonex. I am interested whether or not it will really be worth my time/money. I don't want to be one of those people that tirelessly complains about how useless their doctor is, but honestly, the neurologist I'm seeing right now seems pretty useless. He couldn't answer any of the questions I had for him at the last appointment. He sort of just likes to make things black and white, yes or no. He also enjoys answering questions by simply bobbing his head up and down, or back and forth. If there is anything that I have learned about MS thus far, it isn't flipping black and white. It seems to me there's an awful lot of grey area here. Acknowledgement would be nice. Anyhow, perhaps I'll go in tomorrow and he'll knock my socks off, if not with personality, then at least with some inkling of doctorly know how. I am crossing my fingers that my uber busy specialist will not re-re-schedule my appointment again, which is now set for April 14th.

 On another note, my mom dropped by out of the blue today, and she was all teary. She had been listening to Dr. Laura, whom she knows I LOATHE with a passion. There was a male caller who was 26, who called in for (ugh) Dr. Laura's advice. So he was diagnosed with MS, and he was wondering if it was right of him to continue to pursue finding a relationship, given the possibilities of disability in the future. My mom was seriously torn up after listening to this, which left me mildly depressed as well. I know that I haven't been diagnosed for very long, but I do remember the first month being the absolute worst for me, as far as fear and anxiety. I knew it would get better, and it has, although I'm by no means whatsoever "fear free" when it comes to my future. Is it possible to ever be completely free of fear when you live with a disease that can come and go, and hit you totally out of left field? I don't think so. 

Anyhow, I "secondhandly" felt super bad for this dude. Seriously, it's hard enough being an openly emotional girl, and dealing with this. Being the free spirit I am with relaying my true feelings, I really haven't been 100% open with anyone in terms of future fears, except for with my boyfriend and mom, and jackie of course. I wonder what sort of support system this guy has. If he was calling Dr. Laura for advice, I'm thinking he might need more people to talk to and confide in, and I'm not talking "internet hugs" or some crap like that. This dude needs to be heard, and needs somebody to tell him that he's totally normal for feeling the way he feels. My answer would simply be that there is no reason he shouldn't continue to pursue finding a relationship following his diagnosis. He may not find a cool chick right off the bat, who is willing to date someone with MS, but I believe he will eventually. And once he does, nothing is written in stone, MS or no MS. I don't think any of us can map out our future the way we want, in terms of the relationships we have now, and the ones that have yet to begin. We can work to make them the best they can be, and this is all we can do. I'm sure there's better advice out there, but in my sleepy Avonex haze, this is the best I can do.  

I'm sure a few of you know who Stan on myspace is, he's the one with the "Angels of MS" or whatever. I personally have some negative feelings about Stan, but that aside, I suppose what he does for some people is a good thing. Anyway, a few years ago there was a post on his blog from a reader in a wheel chair who was talking about how shes having problems dating because people can't get over her wheel chair.  She was barraged with comments like "If they can't see past the chair, they aren't good enough for you", "you don't want someone like that in your life anyway". All of which has little merit in my eyes, and quite frankly is a load of shit. So I went and commented all bullshit aside, and started a shit storm of people essentially telling me I'm full of crap. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something a long the lines of, remember what it was like for you before you were in the chair or before you had MS. Didn't you look? Didn't you stare? Didn't you think negative thoughts about the disabled people you saw? I think there are few people in this world who can actually look at someone disabled and not see their disability AT FIRST. I think many people learn to see past it, but in a passing glance, you will see the wheel chair. If you say you don't, you're bold face lying.

So I was thinking about this the other day, and about how I've seen some website out there for people who are disabled to meet other disabled people for romantic relationships. I've thought a lot about my personal future and the uncertainty it holds for me and anyone else in it. I think often about if I will be a burden on someone. If my disability takes over, will they stick it out with me? And for me, I often think that because I am physically weak, and even sometimes mentally weak, that there would have to be someone "strong" in the relationship. So, all that aside it lead me to wonder if I would ever date someone with a disability. Hell, could I date someone with MS? Oh man this is heavy. Initially I wanted to lie to myself and say, "Yes, of course I would. How could I discriminate against someone just like me. Golly gee, I wouldn't want someone to do that to me". But then I snapped my ass back into the reality of the world I live in and for me, the answer is no. Its not a definitive for sure no, but its a pretty big no. Here's why. I already look at myself as damaged goods, practically as a ticking time bomb. When will I "go off", meaning when will my whole body fall apart and fail me. That's a big responsibility for me, and anyone around me. How the hell could I possibly take care of someone else then, who is also falling apart? Call me a fatalist, sure, but I have a tenancy to explore worst case scenarios. Worst case would be both of us fall apart, and then we're both screwed because we don't have anyone to take care of us. Perfect situation is that no one has any major problems, we live happily ever after, and skip hand in hand through a garden of daisies while fairies whisper sweet spells of love and trust into our ears. Now you tell me which scenario is more likely?

I have heard it all from people about my relationship views. I already know whatever you feel compelled to tell me. I know I could date/marry someone who is healthy and then they get sick, or get into a car accident, or have a tragic fight with a buffalo. Yea yea yea. I got it, but the difference is I wouldn't be going into the relationship expecting a break down. There is a clear understanding in my system, you're the strong one, I'm the weak one. This is my roll,thats yours and we do our best to ignore them, but the reality is that this is how it is and will be.


Maybe if you dated someone with MS there would be more of an understanding for your symptoms and problems, but I still believe that someone has to be a backbone. You have to be able to pick each other up, (mentally and physically), and if you're both rockin' wheelchairs, and are hooked up to IVs all the time, I just don't see it being possible.

I am hella thankful that I have a boyfriend who is capable of looking past my MS. Sometimes I think he even sees straight through it. I don't know if I am a good enough person to do that. But we play our rolls very successfully. Hes the big strong man, and I'm the smart ass diseased girl. I don't feel belittled, or like I'm missing out on anything. I'm glad I'm not dating a wussy dude. I'm not into dating dudes that act like women. Man up, damn it. I don't know if at this point in my life, I could take on someone, like me. I am a pain the ass aside from my MS.

Perhaps I'm an eternal pessimist, or I'm "too young" to understand or some shit like that. Or perhaps I'm one of the few who isn't afraid to say, "I think this way, even if it isn't politically correct".