Alright, so here we go. This is a relapse. Optic neuritis. Flashback to about three or four months ago, and the same damn thing happened. After some research I had a sneaking suspicion it could be ON, but I didn't call the doctor. So here we are again, same symtpoms in the right eye, just a little worse than the last time. I'd always assumed ON meant vision loss for sure, so this was part of my hesitance about making anything over it. Obviously vision loss isn't something I'm experiencing. My symptoms include pain with the movement of my little eyeball, and some loss of color. I can see just fine, which is more than phenomenal. So anyhow I decided to be a grown up this time around and call the doctor, was able to get in for an appointment yesterday, and now onto today...

Not so surprisingly, I am beginning IVSM treatments, and will have them completed in three days. The bum deal about this is that I know the steroids will probably make me feel worse than the actual relapse itself, which is super mild. However, Jackie made a good point about the importance of doing the steroids for an ON relapse just because well... I don't know. Hopefully it's cutting down on further permanent damage. She was right, the doctor was right. Off I go in about an hour here, for my first ever dose of IVSM. So I can look at this like an experiment, or something like that. Maybe the extra energy and lack of sleep will let me rock out some work in my classes? Maybe my house will be cleaner than ever by the end of the week? Or perhaps I'll just turn into the most rotten version of myself there is? We shall see. Either way, I'm rockin the roids. 

I am SO comfortable in my humble job, making coffee. My job is literally my home away from home. When I have a day where my brain decides to take a backseat I can still get by. Run on autopilot. There are days where I may seem like a bit of a moron to the average customer, but the only harm in that is a small dent in what's left of my pride. What happens when I'm playing social worker? When everything I do each day isn't quite so ordinary? When I'm not just throwing some vanilla and espresso in a cup and adding some steamed milk (and a little foam) on the top?

Oh yeah, did I mention that I want to be a social worker? Yep. That's the plan anyway... 

So I'd say about ten percent of the time when I think about finally being finished with school, and moving into an actual (gasp!) career, I become a little fearful of the whole concept. What if the MS decides to act up a month or a year into having a new job? A job in which it will actually matter whether or not I have the ability to maintain some level of...I don't know, physical and mental capacity. Then again, we're only talking about ten percent "future jobbity job" fear here, so I am still functioning with ninety-percent "Woooo! I'm going to be doing something more meaningful for the human race than serving them coffee!!". What is the worst that could happen? Honestly.

I am actually working at not being totally self defeating. Especially when it comes to things I want to do with my future. I was pondering this today, thinking about how annoyingly positive I have been over the last few months. I wonder...am I being positive because I am physically, in terms of my MS, feeling pretty damn decent? Or am I feeling pretty damn decent because I'm being more positive? I only have issues with the latter. While I think being positive is definitely working for my mood, not to mention my relationships...I don't think the power of positive thinking is quite powerful enough to keep my body from eventually having a total meltdown again. 

Let's say six months from now MS decides it's time to really start fucking with me. Will I be starting right back at square one? ...self esteem into the shitter, fear and trembling over the future, woe is me city... I guess the goal then would be to make more of a conscious effort to practice all these little things that I've learned along the way this last year, and most importantly, in the last few months. As they say in alcoholics anonymous (or so I hear) I will just have to fake it 'til I make it.

December 1st marked one year of my new life with MS. I remember waking up on the cold December morning and driving the two minutes it took me to get to the hospital, so that I could pick up the MRI report from my appointment a week earlier. At first I confusedly read through the findings, and then got to the bottom of the pages where I saw the words "most likely a demyelinating disease/MS." Well there it was, in a nutshell. The confirmation I didn't want. While I wasn't completely shocked, I was devastated. It's a year later now, and I feel like I'm learning to live with this. I am still pissed some days, still sad some days, and still surprised some days. My favorites days however, are the ones where I am living my life without MS streaming in the background. It's been a whirlwind of a year, and I have to say I'm glad to have this first one down. It's been tough and I've surprised myself, and I think I know myself better now than ever. I feel more confident in myself than I ever thought I could one year ago. I am so grateful for the people I've met on this journey so far, for the people I know aren't going anywhere, and for the little moments that make this life amazing. It's been one hell of a ride, and it's so far from over.  

During my last visit with the specialist, I wasn't surprised to learn that I'm having some issues with high blood pressure. I can feel my own heart pounding out of my chest quite often these days, but it isn't so disturbing as when I am sitting still, or trying to get to sleep. My migraines have been tenfold lately, and unfortunately a new medication (Maxalt) that the doc gave me to try didn't work out so well. I have an RX for Topomax which I need to have filled, and am hoping will help get the migraines under control. Anything less than one migraine a week would be amazing to me. I woke up this morning, very early for work, and promptly fell into my closet. Not realizing the issue I continued walking out into the living room, doing the drunk dance. While I had thought I'd experienced vertigo before, what had been more visual for me, rather than physical, I'd say this was either the real deal, or something quite different. I couldn't move without falling over, so that was awesome. Needless to say, I was scared shitless. I had nightmares of failing my finals and not making it to work again for god knows how long. I went back to bed and, and with some difficulty getting to sleep, woke up three hours later, vertigo free. I am a bit concerned that the high blood pressure, worsening migraines, and the vertigo could be intertwined, but who the hell knows? I see my specialist again in just a month, so hopefully we can figure out what's happening. I'm so, so thankful that whatever happened this morning decided to go away however.

On a happy note, I had an amazing Thanksgiving at home. My boyfriend and I decided to finally have our own Thanksgiving, which would spare us from having to make anywhere from 2-4 stops in order to fulfill all our family obligations. We left the door open for anyone who wanted to stop by, ate lots, drank enough, and had so much fun. I got our Christmas tree the very next day, in an attempt to keep my holiday spirits up. This time last year we were knee deep in stress, so this year we are grateful for the peace of mind we do have. Our dog is still alive and kicking, I can actually feel my legs, we have a new home that we've grown to love,and the bills are payed, even if just barely. Life is alright. 

Have any of you heard of the brilliant theory that most people with MS have a type A personality? I've heard this one a few times, and it doesn't really sit so well with me. So in the discussion forum for my psych class, the prof asked, "Are you more type A-ish or type B-ish? How do you know? What diseases or health outcomes have you had, and how does your health history fit with your type A/B category. I thought this was an interesting question, since I've actually taken the time to ponder my health in regards to what my possible "personality type" might be.

From what I gather, type A personalities are horribly impatient, quick to get angry, never relax, workaholics, super competitive, and pretty much mega-douches. While I would say that that I in no way embody the type A personality to a "t" there are definitely some aspects of type A that I'm sure I would fit into...especially when hormonal. There doesn't seem to be quite as much info out there about the happy-go-lucky type B's, at least in what I have come across. You'd think type B's lacked any definable personality whatsoever, just lackadaisical beings apparently. So I don't think the whole type A/B theory is total bullshit, because I definitely know some people who in my humble opinion, fit nicely into either/or category. The vast majority of people I know however, including myself, aren't so black and white. If I really had to come up with an answer, I would say I'm a type B personality with a mind that is frequently spinning with type A fantasies. That sums it up pretty well I think. 

So here I am, a type B living in type A la-la land. Physiologically this might make me even more effed up than a pure type A personality. The stress is still there, it just isn't always completely obvious. It's been a good two months since I lashed out on anyone. Anyway, thanks to the (generally) internalized stress, my brain is releasing shit tons of stress hormones which...supress my immune system? Well with a disease like MS, it would seem like that would be a good thing right? I don't know. Now I'm just more confused than ever. I suppose the one aspect of a type A personality in terms of MS that makes some sense is the physiological impact of stress on your body. If you're a type A, you ooze stress, which is a major energy drain. If you're body is working super hard to maintain itself in spite of stress, than it's taking away from the energy you require to try and battle this MonSter (that was for you Jackie) and it's symptoms. Yeah, that makes sense. However, I'm sure there are plenty of type fricking B's out there who can attest to the fact that personality type in no way determines whether or not you will get MS. Can personality type make you feel even more shitty than you already do, I can agree with this to a certain degree. I think we're going to have what we're going to have regardless, but I do believe that stress impacts our bodies in some pretty big ways. 

Therapy session number one went well, although I wouldn't say I was bowled over by the awesomeness of my therapist. Really though, I shouldn't be too harsh as it was just appointment one after all. I had an awesome case of the cog fog, which didn't really help in terms of trying to express myself. I think we made some decent headway and although she did bring up anti-depressants, I let her know that my goal before trying something like that would be to talk through things and see if I couldn't figure out some of this head shit on my own. We talked a bit about my "future" issues and I was every so slightly put off by her reaction to the whole "kids" discussion. While I'm not sure that kids are in the cards for me, since one day it sounds like an awesome idea, and the next day I am thoroughly disgusted with the thought of human beings reproducing in the first place, I'm not sure I felt like she really "got" where I was coming from. In expressing my concern or "fear" over the whole deal, she let me know that these are concerns that anyone would feel. Well yes, parenting is huge. It's a big thing for everyone. However we're talking about me here, and I'm talking about a hypothetical fear about having a kid and my level of disability getting to a point where I'd be a super lame parent. Ah, lame...haaha funny. But whatever, I'm ridiculously oversensitive and over analytical a decent majority of the time. There we go, that's a good topic to bring up at my next session right?
 
One of the funny things we discussed were various reactions I may have had in telling people I have MS and some of the regret I feel in telling certain people. I'm sure we all have a few of these in our lives. So let me just share with you the one person that I wish to God I would have never told...the milk man, yes, the milk man. He delivers to my work, and I've known the dude for seven years now. He's super nice, Mr. Chatty for sure, which doesn't always fly when I'm trying to get milk put away and do fifty other things at once. Anyhow, he noticed last year that I was out of work for about a week, which was all thanks to my nightmare of an LP and subsequent blood patch. So I get come back to work he was curious where I'd been, so I told him what was going on. Wrong turn. Total wrong turn. Of course his neighbor has MS and she's like, the picture of health. Awesome, good for her. And here come the questions...gotta love the questions. So how do they know it's really MS? How's your MS this week? Have you heard that story about that lady with MS who was bed ridden and then decided to give a gift a day for 29 days and is totally healthy now? Cause you know, so much of it is a "mind" thing? Ah yes, and I've gotten the newspaper clippings about the mother battling MS who's this total fighter and like, supporting her entire family because her husband is dying of a brain tumor or something. While I understand this may be coming from a really good (mind you unbelievably ignorant and annoying) place, I am just about to tell him to shut the fuck up. I am at work, I am feeling great, and I don't feel like talking about M-fucking-S right now. Period. Don't you know someone with cancer that you can go bug? Seriously, that shit is way more interesting. So I have decided that the next time Mr. Chatty shows up to deliver some milk, and asks me how the old MS is doing this week, I'm going to inform him that my awesomely interesting disease is no longer going to be a conversation piece. The challenge will be doing it in a fashion that doesn't make seem like a moody, crazy bitch.

For those of you who don’t already know, I am from Oregon. Jackie is from Michigan. So we’ve got a bit of distance between us. Thanks to the wonders of the internet, I felt like I knew her long before we got to meet, but as she mentioned my visit to Michigan was our first time getting to chill in like, real life. So my visit to Michigan was a blast. Having the opportunity to hang out with Jackie was amazing, and she was even more rad than I could have hoped. I feel so fortunate to have been able to actually spend time with someone else who is living with MS. I think there is so much to say about this sense of community that is out there in regards to MS or any other chronic illness, and being able to really connect with other people who have a much better handle on what you're going through not only physically but emotionally. Duh, like we haven't all said this before, but I guess I felt the need to re-state. I am closing in on one year since my diagnosis, and while I know I'd still be trucking along even without the MS community that I have found, I don't like to imagine that scenario. It was huge for me to spend some real time with Jackie, whose friendship has been life changing and irreplaceable. After five days of hanging out with this lady, I definitely came home with more of a "can do" attitude. Getting through the two solid days of travel made me feel like way more of a tough chick than I generally give myself credit for, and we did plenty of walking and hanging out in the elements...and I didn't die!! Anyway this trip was totally therapeutic...some good girl time, a chance to step out of my comfort zone, and a reevaluation of what I am physically capable (which is again, more than I give myself credit for). All around awesomeness. I am already making plans for Jackie's visit to Oregon this summer! She's totally gonna go home a tree-hugger. 

So speaking of therapy...it was a month or more ago that I made the appointment to start seeing a therapist, and tonight is my first appointment. Finally. I have definitely had some highs and lows over the last few months, but especially since my visit to see Jackie I have been thinking that I seriously don't need to the therapy after all. I am feeling pretty a-ok in the emotions department, but I know how quickly that can all go to shit. So, I'm trying to remember that even though I'm not in the depths of despair anymore, and I don't currently feel like punching everyone I know in the face...it's gonna be a good thing. Here’s to my therapist being as fucking awesome as Jackie’s.

Yea Dana is coming to visit today.  It's a big day! All I have to do is get through the work day and pick her up from the airport and then its like 5 days of fun! Thank goodness! I still have to work a little here and there but for the most part, I'm so excited to finally meet her. Oh wait, you didn't know? Dana and I have never met!

Like I said...its a big day!

So I wrote awhile back about my little bout with the big "D" (a term which allows me to skate around the word depression). Well I should just shout out it out here, since so many of us deal with this bullshit. DEPRESSION!!! Anyhow I was really moved by the comments which you all left, I wanted to thank you for not only sharing things which may have been personal to you, but also some pretty darn good advice. It seems like opinions on treatment options or perhaps consciously not treating depression, seem to really run the gamut with us all. I think I can relate to each and every one of you. Whether or not we're all in the same place in terms of accepting it or treating it, we can all relate to one another here. 

It honestly sucks to have to admit to yourself that you are indeed depressed. Obviously we all have days where we get the blues, or when this whole disease thing is just totally deflating. We know what it means to question our existence, our worth, and our future capabilities. These aren't questions that should be foreign to anyone, however I think with the advent of MS or whatever health issue may come your way, we begin to ponder these things with a little more depth, and perhaps a little more often. It can feel like a daunting task at times, when you get yourself caught up in a vicious cycle with these questions. I think for me it's definitely more healthy to keep them on the back burner and focus more on the here and now. However, I am not always so perfect. With the addition of a new symptom or a week of feeling like total crap, it seems like the whole cycle of self examination and questioning begins again. After not being able to snap out of it, I decided to finally admit to myself, and apparently all of you who read this site, that I indeed was depressed. Thankfully I am feeling much better, although I know that depression is something that can sneak back in at any time. 

So here's what I did, while in the comfort of my pajamas and probably a large bowl of chocolate somewhere nearby. I finally made the effort to try and get in touch with a psychologist to begin some therapy. This time I actually found someone who accepts my insurance, and I made sure to find someone who has experience treating those with chronic illness. Although I won't have my first appointment for another few weeks, I think just finally making the effort to find a doctor for this aspect of my disease was important. Taking this step has definitely helped me move out of the major funk, and step back into the light as much as possible. I tried getting therapy last year to deal with the emotional aspect of being diagnosed, but found out the therapist I was seeing didn't accept my insurance. I just gave up after that, so giving it a go again and actually having coverage will be phenomenal I think. 

It's amazing stepping outside of myself in the here and now and thinking back to how low I was feeling a few weeks ago. This just reinforces more for me how down I was, because I honestly cannot imagine feeling some of the negative things I was feeling just a short time ago. It is so hard feeling unpredictable with your moods, and it becomes so hard to try and communicate in any sort of meaningful way with the people around you. I know that one of you brought up the struggle of really being able to admit to yourself that you are down or that your moods are maybe um...here and there so to speak. It is so hard to hear from others that you don't seem like yourself, or to have people suggest you get treatment for depression. It can definitely feel almost like admitting that you aren't the same person you are before your diagnosis, which is a concern that was expressed in a comment on the prior post. While I don't believe the majority of us have lost the complete sense of ourselves, I would by lying if I said that I do feel like I've lost a piece of myself. Even if that small piece was just one more day of not knowing I would live the rest of my life with a chronic illness. 

Moving past the issue of admitting to ourselves that we need some sort of help, and accepting that maybe we're not okay trying to figure it all out on our own, there was some talk about anti-depressants along with therapy. In terms of anti-D's I am definitely all for the help that they have offered any of you guys, I think that if it's something that's working, then that is amazingly good and you should stick with it. I agree that we definitely need to let go of the shame or stigmas that we may have attached to these medications. For fucks sake, if something is truly benefiting you, then this is what's important. On that same line of thought however, I am a big proponent of therapy before meds, since this isn't the way things were handled when I was a "depressed teen." I think attempting to work through the root of the issue is important, and perhaps if the depression is more of a "biochemical" factor than medications are definitely necessary. I know I'm keeping my options open, and I'm looking forward to talking the shit out of my therapist!!

I read somewhere that aside from the initial grieving process that comes along with learning you have MS, the whole process can start right over each time you have a relapse or begin dealing with new symptoms for example. In the last few weeks (maybe a little longer, my concept of time lately is shot) I feel like I've been punched in the gut yet again by fear, anxiety, anger, sadness...all of the above and then some. I love being able to have days, even if they are few and far between, where it isn't so difficult to just step away from MS and just be. I suppose what I mean is the ability to move beyond negative feelings because of the way I physically feel. The good news is I'm pretty sure I'm not having a relapse, but the symptoms that I do have, seem to be ever present. Whether I am just have pseudo-exacerbation or maybe Avonex or depression are the culprit for how I'm feeling as of late, I do know that physically I haven't felt this crappy since my first and only official relapse last November. It feels like I'm starting all over again trying to come to terms with the fact that I am living with this thing for the rest of my life. I honestly believe that my physical abilities right now are probably the best they're ever gonna get from here on out. If I cannot be happy in the here and now, then I am officially screwed.  

A big issue for me which has come up lately is depression, and as much as I hate to admit not only to myself, but to anyone and everyone else, I am definitely dealing with an extended bout of some deep and dark stuff. I am worried that while MS can be the one of the culprits of depression, this is also a known side effect of Avonex. As many of you well understand however, it seems to be a toss up as to what's causing what. I suppose part of how I know that I'm knee deep in depression bullshit is the fact that I should be happy right now. I am honestly blessed with people and resources that help to keep me afloat. So why the hell can't I just snap out of it? I am thinking this is the fact that chemically or hormonally or whatever, I am dealing with something that is just a bit out of my control for the time being. I know the difference between having the blues, and just being totally disconnected. Lately I feel disconnected, and I am just not being able to make the pieces fit. I have another month and half until my next appointment with the specialist, and I'm only willing to give myself a few more weeks of trying to charge through this before I bring it up with the doctor. If things don't start looking up, I have decided I just may have to give anti-depressants one more go. The last time I was on the happy pills, was about ten years ago, roughly the same time I believe my MS symptoms quietly began to surface. I can say quite firmly that I did not have a good experience with either Prozac or Zoloft, and I hate to think about going through another experience like I had with either one of those drugs. I am legitimately scared of trying another anti-depressant, but I do realize that my quality of life these days is definitely worth the risk. 

I would be super happy to hear about any positive or negative experiences any of you may have had or are currently having, with anti-depressants. I have been so adamant on never again doing the drug thing to treat depression, but I'm just about tapped out in terms of fighting this on my own. 

So I got this flyer in the mail last week from the Providence Brain Institute, where I go to have all my brain needs met. There was a forum dealy thing happening not too far from where I live, and Dr. Stanley Cohan (my specialist) was the speaker. "What Every Patient Should Know About MS" was the title, so I figured what the hell. I registered to attend one of these quite a while back, and didn't end up going, so I figured I might try to make this one. For some reason I felt like it was something I should do, at least once. 

My biggest concern about going to this thing (yep, I like to make mountains out of molehills) was the fact that I figured there would probably not be a many younger people there. Well, that was an understatement. There was like, none. I got there and peaked in the doorway to about ten round tables, filled with older people. And we wonder why there is this idea out there that MS isn't a disease of teenagers and twenty or even thirty somethings? Jesus, it's because we don't show up to anything! Us younger folk need something a little more enticing than a "free lunch" to get our asses out the door. Anyhow I walked in and immediately felt like some sort of a leper, haaahahaha. I'm supposed to be in a room full of people who have the same shitty ass disease that I do, my comrades, but no, I felt completely out of place. I'm sure much of the confusion I saw in the faces of my fellow MSers was in my own head, but I'd say there was definitely some there.