A New Low 10/11/2009
 


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So here I am  2:46am...awake as usual. Normally I don't get suckered into infomercials...don't get me wrong, I like to watch them, but I never call or order or anything like that. However tonight, I got suckered in by one. Luminess Air. Its an at home airbrush makeup system. Now this sounds like the ultimate cat lady purchase. However, I assure you it looked really effing cool. So I came here to the handy dandy Mac Book Pro and did some research on the cost and all that jazz and found out this little zinger costs about $180 bucks. Which to be totally honest, if it was as cool as they said it was...I would be all about paying for it.  And I sat here for about 5 seconds and thought...I need this. I need to feel pretty again.

And then it hit me.

In between figuring out how I could swing a totally random and unnecessary $180 impulse buy...and finding my credit card...I realized something.  My god...I feel this bad about myself right now. I have expressed how awful I feel about how I look lately and its has all culminated to this moment for me. Fucking infomercials with a promise of pretty. I feel so far out of my own skin these days. I feel so unlike myself, so like another fucking person trapped in this body that is so not mine...that I want to pay $180 to feel pretty again.  Now I don't know if this is just a staple of being a woman and feeling pressure to always be beautiful, or if this is really all about my health and how it makes me ugly. But I feel so...just..eh. I'm mad at myself for getting this down about how I look. I'm mad that I have to look this way. I'm mad that I'm getting suckered into infomercials with promises to make me feel good. I'm fucking mad that its gotten this bad. I'm mad at the drugs. I'm mad at the doctors. Damn it...I'm so fucking mad about the way things are right now.

I'm mad that I resort to my blog and just bitch to you all because I feel like so many people don't get how deeply rooted this shit is for me. No one understands what its like to look in the mirror and not see your own face. To not recognize yourself. To know that everyone who knows you, is thinking about how different you look all the time. To know that people are talking about you. To have a co-worker say to your face "Hey, do you know you're gaining weight?". Yes. Thank you. I am full aware.

I want my identity back. I want my face back. I want my life before all of this. I want sleep and confidence and to not worry about whether or not I'm going to end up in the hospital again. I don't want to have to worry about how soon I should make an appointment at the wig shop because my hair is still falling out. Or if I should just go balls to the wall and shave my head...and then if I shave my head will my boyfriend still like me. I want to be 24 years old and be normal. I want to not be sitting at my computer at 2:55am...crying about how shitty things are. I want to not be such a damn baby about things and keep on truckin' because you don't choose the hand you're dealt. You're just dealt.
 
 
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If you recall, Dr. Bill gave me some homework after my healing session with him. He told me to take some time for myself, create space, and think about the conflicts in my life. So last night I did just that. And I'm really conflicted over how it went. I've had these furniture pieces that I've been wanting to paint/refinish for a while and I really enjoy "crafting" if you will, so I decided to cancel dinner with a friend last night, sit in my garage and work on my projects. Do something that makes me happy. Dr. Bill had told me to disconnect and turn off my phone but shockingly enough I'm not all that popular so I decided to leave it on, besides people FLIP when you turn your phone off. I also usually work with the radio on and I decided this time to sit alone with my thoughts in the silence. Within the first 15 minutes I received 3 text messages from people who never text me and a phone call....

So I decided to turn the phone off. A small wave of ...I don't know, panic..flushed over me. WHAT IF SOMEONE CALLS AND ITS IMPORTANT? Clearly, I have a problem disconnecting. A problem creating space. So I left it off while I was outside and I painted and I sanded and I thought about stuff. And I don't really feel like I sorted anything out, which is totally fine. But I did leave my garage mad. I was pissed off. Sure, I thought about some stuff that upsets me, but for the most part I wasn't dwelling on bad things, but I was in a foul mood. WTF? This is supposed to be a calming exercise. It was supposed to help me sort shit out and I ended up...mad? How does one screw this up?!
 
 

Five Stages Of Grief
1.Denial and Isolation.
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
2. Anger.
The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3. Bargaining.
Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
4. Depression.
The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5. Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

In a recent post that I made, there was a mention in the comments about the 5 stages of grief. Which is one of those things that I've heard about but sorta just yea, yea, yea-ed and didn't really consider. I'm not sure if I've ever really looked into this model until now and I gotta tell you, I'm not sure that I buy it. I do think that it nails down some of the major aspects of grief but to put them into clear cut steps like this, I think is a crock. I'm not sure if I'll ever reach true acceptance, because Idon't understand what my future will hold.

I think this step might work for a death, or divorce, or job loss or something, but for our disease I do not think this model works. Hell, I might run through that whole list in one day. I think that if I were to follow this list I would be eternally stuck on #1. I have a big problem with denial...not denial of the MS, but if what it restricts me from doing...or remembering...or thinking. And I also think that no matter what kind of "support system" we have, we will always feel some sense of isolation. It is incredibly isolating to be feeling something that literally no one else can understand. I go through stages related to this model all the time, but to say that the anger, sadness, and mourning will taper off is not something I can accept. I do not think I'll ever stop being upset in someway about this. I can accept that I have it, but for me that doesn't mean I will not feel those other things.

I think that acceptance of a disease has an entirely different process that never ends. I was just talking to Dana about this and how I think its common after your first year of diagnosis to think you've accepted this disease. You think you're ok with it, and life will go on. But then shortly after, something clicks in your brain and you realize you haven't accepted it. I think that the path to acceptance is long and curved and it has breaks in it. I think the path to acceptance of a disease like MS is more like a labyrinth. You can try all you want, but you may never find the end.

You may have years where you're totally ok, physically mentally and then all of a sudden something happens and you are put right back to the beginning. The sadness, isolation, anger can rear their ugly heads again and THAT IS OK. I know I'm only 2.5 years in, and for the most part..I'm ok. But sometimes, some days I feel all 5 steps within 1 day or a few hours. It can be overwhelming and depressing, but remember a lot of people do this. Its so hard to accept something that has no clear cut guidelines. Remember that this shit is hard. Its not fun. And it can be down right painful sometimes, but this is life. If it wasn't this, it would be something else and the only choice we have is to live through it. You take it step by step, minute by minute, and relapse by relapse. Its ok to never stop being mad that this happened to you, but its not ok to let that hinder your life.