Have any of you heard of the brilliant theory that most people with MS have a type A personality? I've heard this one a few times, and it doesn't really sit so well with me. So in the discussion forum for my psych class, the prof asked, "Are you more type A-ish or type B-ish? How do you know? What diseases or health outcomes have you had, and how does your health history fit with your type A/B category. I thought this was an interesting question, since I've actually taken the time to ponder my health in regards to what my possible "personality type" might be.

From what I gather, type A personalities are horribly impatient, quick to get angry, never relax, workaholics, super competitive, and pretty much mega-douches. While I would say that that I in no way embody the type A personality to a "t" there are definitely some aspects of type A that I'm sure I would fit into...especially when hormonal. There doesn't seem to be quite as much info out there about the happy-go-lucky type B's, at least in what I have come across. You'd think type B's lacked any definable personality whatsoever, just lackadaisical beings apparently. So I don't think the whole type A/B theory is total bullshit, because I definitely know some people who in my humble opinion, fit nicely into either/or category. The vast majority of people I know however, including myself, aren't so black and white. If I really had to come up with an answer, I would say I'm a type B personality with a mind that is frequently spinning with type A fantasies. That sums it up pretty well I think. 

So here I am, a type B living in type A la-la land. Physiologically this might make me even more effed up than a pure type A personality. The stress is still there, it just isn't always completely obvious. It's been a good two months since I lashed out on anyone. Anyway, thanks to the (generally) internalized stress, my brain is releasing shit tons of stress hormones which...supress my immune system? Well with a disease like MS, it would seem like that would be a good thing right? I don't know. Now I'm just more confused than ever. I suppose the one aspect of a type A personality in terms of MS that makes some sense is the physiological impact of stress on your body. If you're a type A, you ooze stress, which is a major energy drain. If you're body is working super hard to maintain itself in spite of stress, than it's taking away from the energy you require to try and battle this MonSter (that was for you Jackie) and it's symptoms. Yeah, that makes sense. However, I'm sure there are plenty of type fricking B's out there who can attest to the fact that personality type in no way determines whether or not you will get MS. Can personality type make you feel even more shitty than you already do, I can agree with this to a certain degree. I think we're going to have what we're going to have regardless, but I do believe that stress impacts our bodies in some pretty big ways. 

Ok so I've been having this on going problem for a while now and I'm looking to you, the readers, to see what you guys do and if I'm over reacting. Ever since my colitis diagnosis I've been having this struggle with my parents (sorry Mom) about who I want to know, and who I don't want to know. For some reason unknown to me, they feel that by not telling people, that they are lying and hiding something. I think that by not telling people, I get to keep some dignity at family functions. But we have yet to see eye to eye on this one and it has been a constant fucking struggle. I have what we like to call a chatty family where I swear there is a phone tree and once something happens the whole world knows and I dont really want my butt hole to be apart of the weekly bulletins.

So do you tell everyone you know? When you have a problem do you inform the family? Do you think its YOUR choice who knows about your health problems and who doesn't? Is it lying if you choose not to tell everyone you know about your medical issues? At what point do you tell people?

I've been sad lately. So sad that I can't even think of a $5 word to replace "sad". I'm talking sad. Like..sad sad. So sad, that I just keep thinking about how sad I am. My brain is running something like this...

sad.
sad.
sad.
sad.
sad.

You get the point. I'm sad, ok.

So that whole positivity thing I was feeling out...clearly...not working so much. I've had 2 therapy sessions so far, and while I think shes rad and its going well...I'm skeptical. I'll keep you posted on it. But I've noticed MAYJA mood changes and attitude changes in myself lately and it all culminated last week when I spent 2 days being a total basket case and balling my eyes out all day. Perhaps I'm a bit depressed. I was really doing well with all of this for a long time and I'm not sure when it all changed but it literally went from Ok I'm fine, to holy shit I feel like I'm the saddest person alive.

So heres where we talk about anti-depressants. A common thread among MSers, and others that suffer from chronic illnesses. I've never taken them before, I've never even really considered it. I like to try to control my medications, and take as few as possible. But I went to my latest GI appoint for my super awesome colitis, and really it wasn't great news. I have yet to have an appointment in that office without crying. They must think I'm a total flake. Being in there is the most hopeless feeling place I've ever been (this is a lie). Anyway, the 6MP is not so much working, so now I have to figure out where to go from here with in relation to my MS and not flaring that with other medications...blah blah blah I have to go to a special appointment at the Cleveland Clinic and drive a few hours to get there. So while I'm there, I mention to them about my depression and basically they mention the Anti-Ds and asked if I would take them. I said yes.

After those 2 days I need something because I can't function in life like that. I'm on the generic of Zoloft, whatever that is called. I don't know if Anti-depressants are supposed to work right away or if they take time to adjust things but I'm paying seriously close attention to myself these days. Probably too close. Every time I feel even a smidge above sad, I'm like "oh they must be working" even though I've only been taking them since Friday. I've noticed that I think they are already messing with my sleep...which is already screwed up, but I've learned to deal with that.

I don't know. There is part of me that's really bummed because I thought I was handling all of this, the new diagnosis, the hospitals, the medications all so well. So strong. So positive. Hu-RAH. There is a teeny tiny part of me that feels like I've failed a bit, or that I'm super typical because I have now followed the route that so many others have. Bad news = depressed = anti-depressants = lame-o. I had a friend tell me to just take them until we get this whole medication thing figured out...which I think is a good plan. I'm trying really hard not to sink into myself, but its hard. All I want to do is sit on my couch under a blanket and watch DVRed episodes of Gossip Girl and Greys Anatomy (don't judge me). But I know that wont help. So I keep trying to go out, stay occupied even though I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone. I really don't want to see people. Ugh I'm so tired of seeing people. I'm so tired of talking about my health, and feel embarrassed for how I look and how different it is. I'm tired of the pity looks, and wondering what people say when they get home. Perhaps I'm vain for thinking people talk about me when they get home, but if I saw me, I for sure would be talking about me. I've been in hiding now for a while, and this new depression thing just makes me want to hide more.

Yesterday I also got my first ever handicapped placard. Which depressed me. I'm officially 25 (I had a birthday, which also depressed me), and I have handicapped parking. Its a perk for sure, for long walks, but damn it, I shouldn't need it. Things are sucky. I really hope that stuff turns around here soon.  

So I just may be losing my mind but I've become a candidate for joining a diet study. OHSU is conducting this study on the McDougall Diet which is an extremely low fat, vegan diet. I'm not one to believe a diet is going to change my life or even the ultimate course my MS will take. I do however think it's a no brainer that a healthy diet and some good old fashioned exercise is bound to make anyone feel better, awesomely diseased or not. Every single day I think about the changes I need to make in order to just be more healthy, and my diet is like, number two on that list. This could definitely be an amazing opportunity to learn some sweet skills in regards to being more healthy, and it also offers the chance (if included in the actual "diet" portion of the study) for two MRI's over the course of a year, free of charge. This is huge, since we all know how ridiculously expensive the MRI's are.

 With the MRI's researchers are hoping to make some correlations between the diet and any physical effects on the brain, however I am skeptical on the reliability. Much like the disease modifying drugs, do we ever really know whether it's the meds or just the course our MS chooses to take? Anyway aside from this researchers will also monitor participants about every eight weeks and measure possible changes in mood, memory, and fatigue. I am much more apt to believe that these are things a good diet could definitely improve. I think I mentioned that the study is one year long. There would be 52 participants, and only half will be chosen to partake in the diet. The other half of the participants will maintain their regular diet throughout the year, but will still make visits to the clinic every eight weeks for testing to measure their mood, memory, and levels of fatigue. I do not believe the MRI's are included in the non-diet portion of the study, but I'm hoping that's not the case.

Did I mention there's like a boot camp for this diet? So if randomly chosen to be included in the "McDougall" portion of the study, you are flown to Santa Rosa, Ca. to spend ten days learning the ins and outs of preparing foods. The trip is completely payed for, or obviously I wouldn't even be considering this. I have to say the thought of ten ays away from home surrounded by a bunch of health nuts is just a wee bit terrifying, but I think the benefits would far outweigh any "inconvenience" that a completely free trip might bring my way.  

I'm still waiting to hear back after sending in papers for the release of my medical files and what not, so time will tell whether or not this really happens. I'm hoping I get into the study, although there's a little part of me that wouldn't be totally crushed if it doesn't happen. I suppose this is the same part of me that really loves things like lamb and chocolate. Yep. Lamb. Chocolate. Sorry vegans.

Therapy session number one went well, although I wouldn't say I was bowled over by the awesomeness of my therapist. Really though, I shouldn't be too harsh as it was just appointment one after all. I had an awesome case of the cog fog, which didn't really help in terms of trying to express myself. I think we made some decent headway and although she did bring up anti-depressants, I let her know that my goal before trying something like that would be to talk through things and see if I couldn't figure out some of this head shit on my own. We talked a bit about my "future" issues and I was every so slightly put off by her reaction to the whole "kids" discussion. While I'm not sure that kids are in the cards for me, since one day it sounds like an awesome idea, and the next day I am thoroughly disgusted with the thought of human beings reproducing in the first place, I'm not sure I felt like she really "got" where I was coming from. In expressing my concern or "fear" over the whole deal, she let me know that these are concerns that anyone would feel. Well yes, parenting is huge. It's a big thing for everyone. However we're talking about me here, and I'm talking about a hypothetical fear about having a kid and my level of disability getting to a point where I'd be a super lame parent. Ah, lame...haaha funny. But whatever, I'm ridiculously oversensitive and over analytical a decent majority of the time. There we go, that's a good topic to bring up at my next session right?
 
One of the funny things we discussed were various reactions I may have had in telling people I have MS and some of the regret I feel in telling certain people. I'm sure we all have a few of these in our lives. So let me just share with you the one person that I wish to God I would have never told...the milk man, yes, the milk man. He delivers to my work, and I've known the dude for seven years now. He's super nice, Mr. Chatty for sure, which doesn't always fly when I'm trying to get milk put away and do fifty other things at once. Anyhow, he noticed last year that I was out of work for about a week, which was all thanks to my nightmare of an LP and subsequent blood patch. So I get come back to work he was curious where I'd been, so I told him what was going on. Wrong turn. Total wrong turn. Of course his neighbor has MS and she's like, the picture of health. Awesome, good for her. And here come the questions...gotta love the questions. So how do they know it's really MS? How's your MS this week? Have you heard that story about that lady with MS who was bed ridden and then decided to give a gift a day for 29 days and is totally healthy now? Cause you know, so much of it is a "mind" thing? Ah yes, and I've gotten the newspaper clippings about the mother battling MS who's this total fighter and like, supporting her entire family because her husband is dying of a brain tumor or something. While I understand this may be coming from a really good (mind you unbelievably ignorant and annoying) place, I am just about to tell him to shut the fuck up. I am at work, I am feeling great, and I don't feel like talking about M-fucking-S right now. Period. Don't you know someone with cancer that you can go bug? Seriously, that shit is way more interesting. So I have decided that the next time Mr. Chatty shows up to deliver some milk, and asks me how the old MS is doing this week, I'm going to inform him that my awesomely interesting disease is no longer going to be a conversation piece. The challenge will be doing it in a fashion that doesn't make seem like a moody, crazy bitch.

For those of you who don’t already know, I am from Oregon. Jackie is from Michigan. So we’ve got a bit of distance between us. Thanks to the wonders of the internet, I felt like I knew her long before we got to meet, but as she mentioned my visit to Michigan was our first time getting to chill in like, real life. So my visit to Michigan was a blast. Having the opportunity to hang out with Jackie was amazing, and she was even more rad than I could have hoped. I feel so fortunate to have been able to actually spend time with someone else who is living with MS. I think there is so much to say about this sense of community that is out there in regards to MS or any other chronic illness, and being able to really connect with other people who have a much better handle on what you're going through not only physically but emotionally. Duh, like we haven't all said this before, but I guess I felt the need to re-state. I am closing in on one year since my diagnosis, and while I know I'd still be trucking along even without the MS community that I have found, I don't like to imagine that scenario. It was huge for me to spend some real time with Jackie, whose friendship has been life changing and irreplaceable. After five days of hanging out with this lady, I definitely came home with more of a "can do" attitude. Getting through the two solid days of travel made me feel like way more of a tough chick than I generally give myself credit for, and we did plenty of walking and hanging out in the elements...and I didn't die!! Anyway this trip was totally therapeutic...some good girl time, a chance to step out of my comfort zone, and a reevaluation of what I am physically capable (which is again, more than I give myself credit for). All around awesomeness. I am already making plans for Jackie's visit to Oregon this summer! She's totally gonna go home a tree-hugger. 

So speaking of therapy...it was a month or more ago that I made the appointment to start seeing a therapist, and tonight is my first appointment. Finally. I have definitely had some highs and lows over the last few months, but especially since my visit to see Jackie I have been thinking that I seriously don't need to the therapy after all. I am feeling pretty a-ok in the emotions department, but I know how quickly that can all go to shit. So, I'm trying to remember that even though I'm not in the depths of despair anymore, and I don't currently feel like punching everyone I know in the face...it's gonna be a good thing. Here’s to my therapist being as fucking awesome as Jackie’s.

Well.

I had my first meeting with my new therapist last Friday. Shes fucking awesome. Yes. So awesome she deserved the word "fuck" in her introductory sentence. Seriously. I have this fear now that for some reason it won't work out but again, I'm working on the positivity thing. Shes great honestly. She totally got it. She totally got me. She totally gets chronic illness.

I will now totally recommend that if you decide you want/need therapy (and I truthfully think everyone needs therapy for one thing or another) that you seek out someone with experience or a specialty in chronic illness. Wow what a difference it makes.

I'm really excited to go again, and start working through some of these issues. Shes so real. She swears...a lot. And for someone like me, that like makes me feel comfortable in a strange way. It shows me shes real. She actually talked to me, instead of just listening. She acknowledged how shitty things are in my life as opposed to just letting me vent. She even blantatly asked me how I haven't gone crazy, or gone off the deep end at this point. I really think she and I will get a long.

I see her again next week and its times like this that I wish that the session was longer than an hour and that I could afford to see her like 8 times a week. I'm ready to get my life back. I'm ready to learn how to deal with this and I'm ready to start over. I think starting this now is a great time because hopefully I can get my shit together before the new year and have 2010 start out great and I can make a whole bunch of resolutions (that I won't keep) but will feel positive about.