Today I got asked again if I was disabled....again. How the crap do I answer that. So I asked if that meant legally, like on social security. The woman said not necessarily, but it had to be documented by a doctor....So I said yes. Yes, I am disabled. I figured it might not be every damn day, but there are definitely some days that I am disabled and damn it my doctor better back me up on that shit.

Lately, I've been having a lot of mental/emotional ups and downs. The last 2 days have been great. I feel better. I have more energy. I still look like shit, but I'm really trying to let it bother me less. I've also decided to start therapy...again, starting tonight. I've switched over and I'd say I'm like 80% Gluten Free now and I don't know if that has made a difference or if my medications are really starting to work now or maybe a combo of both...but the colitis department is slowly getting better. I actually slept through the night last night. OH MAN! I've also put myself on a diet until Thanksgiving. I love to eat and I refuse to deny myself Thanksgiving, but until then its Boost shakes and healthy dinners. Honestly, I love Boost shakes, they taste awesome, they are Gluten Free, and I really do think they give me more energy. They should give them to me for free because I talk so awesomely about them.

Anyway. I was really in one helluva rut there for a while and I'm really trying to make some positive changes. I didn't really feel depressed but I noticed I was having more and more breakdowns, so I just decided to do whatever I can to pull myself out. That means therapy, a haircut, Boost shakes and working out again. Working out is the tough one. I still can't really do a whole lot, can't work hard, can't work very long. But damn it, I'm tired of feeling so awful ALL the time. Its time to be proactive.

I'm tired of waiting around until the doctor says that I can get off these medications. I keep thinking once I'm off then, I'll feel better, look better and so on but the reality is it wouldn't kill me to try to do all of that now. I may have to put in more effort to do it, but I can't let myself get lost in a depression. I dont have the time, money, or energy to pull myself out of that. So heres to taking life by the proverbial balls.

Yea Dana is coming to visit today.  It's a big day! All I have to do is get through the work day and pick her up from the airport and then its like 5 days of fun! Thank goodness! I still have to work a little here and there but for the most part, I'm so excited to finally meet her. Oh wait, you didn't know? Dana and I have never met!

Like I said...its a big day!

So I wrote awhile back about my little bout with the big "D" (a term which allows me to skate around the word depression). Well I should just shout out it out here, since so many of us deal with this bullshit. DEPRESSION!!! Anyhow I was really moved by the comments which you all left, I wanted to thank you for not only sharing things which may have been personal to you, but also some pretty darn good advice. It seems like opinions on treatment options or perhaps consciously not treating depression, seem to really run the gamut with us all. I think I can relate to each and every one of you. Whether or not we're all in the same place in terms of accepting it or treating it, we can all relate to one another here. 

It honestly sucks to have to admit to yourself that you are indeed depressed. Obviously we all have days where we get the blues, or when this whole disease thing is just totally deflating. We know what it means to question our existence, our worth, and our future capabilities. These aren't questions that should be foreign to anyone, however I think with the advent of MS or whatever health issue may come your way, we begin to ponder these things with a little more depth, and perhaps a little more often. It can feel like a daunting task at times, when you get yourself caught up in a vicious cycle with these questions. I think for me it's definitely more healthy to keep them on the back burner and focus more on the here and now. However, I am not always so perfect. With the addition of a new symptom or a week of feeling like total crap, it seems like the whole cycle of self examination and questioning begins again. After not being able to snap out of it, I decided to finally admit to myself, and apparently all of you who read this site, that I indeed was depressed. Thankfully I am feeling much better, although I know that depression is something that can sneak back in at any time. 

So here's what I did, while in the comfort of my pajamas and probably a large bowl of chocolate somewhere nearby. I finally made the effort to try and get in touch with a psychologist to begin some therapy. This time I actually found someone who accepts my insurance, and I made sure to find someone who has experience treating those with chronic illness. Although I won't have my first appointment for another few weeks, I think just finally making the effort to find a doctor for this aspect of my disease was important. Taking this step has definitely helped me move out of the major funk, and step back into the light as much as possible. I tried getting therapy last year to deal with the emotional aspect of being diagnosed, but found out the therapist I was seeing didn't accept my insurance. I just gave up after that, so giving it a go again and actually having coverage will be phenomenal I think. 

It's amazing stepping outside of myself in the here and now and thinking back to how low I was feeling a few weeks ago. This just reinforces more for me how down I was, because I honestly cannot imagine feeling some of the negative things I was feeling just a short time ago. It is so hard feeling unpredictable with your moods, and it becomes so hard to try and communicate in any sort of meaningful way with the people around you. I know that one of you brought up the struggle of really being able to admit to yourself that you are down or that your moods are maybe um...here and there so to speak. It is so hard to hear from others that you don't seem like yourself, or to have people suggest you get treatment for depression. It can definitely feel almost like admitting that you aren't the same person you are before your diagnosis, which is a concern that was expressed in a comment on the prior post. While I don't believe the majority of us have lost the complete sense of ourselves, I would by lying if I said that I do feel like I've lost a piece of myself. Even if that small piece was just one more day of not knowing I would live the rest of my life with a chronic illness. 

Moving past the issue of admitting to ourselves that we need some sort of help, and accepting that maybe we're not okay trying to figure it all out on our own, there was some talk about anti-depressants along with therapy. In terms of anti-D's I am definitely all for the help that they have offered any of you guys, I think that if it's something that's working, then that is amazingly good and you should stick with it. I agree that we definitely need to let go of the shame or stigmas that we may have attached to these medications. For fucks sake, if something is truly benefiting you, then this is what's important. On that same line of thought however, I am a big proponent of therapy before meds, since this isn't the way things were handled when I was a "depressed teen." I think attempting to work through the root of the issue is important, and perhaps if the depression is more of a "biochemical" factor than medications are definitely necessary. I know I'm keeping my options open, and I'm looking forward to talking the shit out of my therapist!!

So here I am  2:46am...awake as usual. Normally I don't get suckered into infomercials...don't get me wrong, I like to watch them, but I never call or order or anything like that. However tonight, I got suckered in by one. Luminess Air. Its an at home airbrush makeup system. Now this sounds like the ultimate cat lady purchase. However, I assure you it looked really effing cool. So I came here to the handy dandy Mac Book Pro and did some research on the cost and all that jazz and found out this little zinger costs about $180 bucks. Which to be totally honest, if it was as cool as they said it was...I would be all about paying for it.  And I sat here for about 5 seconds and thought...I need this. I need to feel pretty again.

And then it hit me.

In between figuring out how I could swing a totally random and unnecessary $180 impulse buy...and finding my credit card...I realized something.  My god...I feel this bad about myself right now. I have expressed how awful I feel about how I look lately and its has all culminated to this moment for me. Fucking infomercials with a promise of pretty. I feel so far out of my own skin these days. I feel so unlike myself, so like another fucking person trapped in this body that is so not mine...that I want to pay $180 to feel pretty again.  Now I don't know if this is just a staple of being a woman and feeling pressure to always be beautiful, or if this is really all about my health and how it makes me ugly. But I feel so...just..eh. I'm mad at myself for getting this down about how I look. I'm mad that I have to look this way. I'm mad that I'm getting suckered into infomercials with promises to make me feel good. I'm fucking mad that its gotten this bad. I'm mad at the drugs. I'm mad at the doctors. Damn it...I'm so fucking mad about the way things are right now.

I'm mad that I resort to my blog and just bitch to you all because I feel like so many people don't get how deeply rooted this shit is for me. No one understands what its like to look in the mirror and not see your own face. To not recognize yourself. To know that everyone who knows you, is thinking about how different you look all the time. To know that people are talking about you. To have a co-worker say to your face "Hey, do you know you're gaining weight?". Yes. Thank you. I am full aware.

I want my identity back. I want my face back. I want my life before all of this. I want sleep and confidence and to not worry about whether or not I'm going to end up in the hospital again. I don't want to have to worry about how soon I should make an appointment at the wig shop because my hair is still falling out. Or if I should just go balls to the wall and shave my head...and then if I shave my head will my boyfriend still like me. I want to be 24 years old and be normal. I want to not be sitting at my computer at 2:55am...crying about how shitty things are. I want to not be such a damn baby about things and keep on truckin' because you don't choose the hand you're dealt. You're just dealt.

If you recall, Dr. Bill gave me some homework after my healing session with him. He told me to take some time for myself, create space, and think about the conflicts in my life. So last night I did just that. And I'm really conflicted over how it went. I've had these furniture pieces that I've been wanting to paint/refinish for a while and I really enjoy "crafting" if you will, so I decided to cancel dinner with a friend last night, sit in my garage and work on my projects. Do something that makes me happy. Dr. Bill had told me to disconnect and turn off my phone but shockingly enough I'm not all that popular so I decided to leave it on, besides people FLIP when you turn your phone off. I also usually work with the radio on and I decided this time to sit alone with my thoughts in the silence. Within the first 15 minutes I received 3 text messages from people who never text me and a phone call....

So I decided to turn the phone off. A small wave of ...I don't know, panic..flushed over me. WHAT IF SOMEONE CALLS AND ITS IMPORTANT? Clearly, I have a problem disconnecting. A problem creating space. So I left it off while I was outside and I painted and I sanded and I thought about stuff. And I don't really feel like I sorted anything out, which is totally fine. But I did leave my garage mad. I was pissed off. Sure, I thought about some stuff that upsets me, but for the most part I wasn't dwelling on bad things, but I was in a foul mood. WTF? This is supposed to be a calming exercise. It was supposed to help me sort shit out and I ended up...mad? How does one screw this up?!