Man oh man oh man. Get this:

I just pooped.

Like a real, normal poop. Now this may be a total TMI update, but Its actually really important.

Its been about two weeks since my doctors visit and I've changed a lot in my diet. I take 3 fiber tablets a morning, as well as 2 papaya enzymes. I also have majorly upped my consumption of fruits and veggies. Although this is just one normal dump in the cycle of a human life...this is the first NORMAL poop in years. There were actual kids and they were effortlessly dropped off at the pool.

So if you're having serious bowel issues, there is hope! I'm not saying I'm going to have grade-A easy poop sessions but the fact that I just had one is a serious bonus. Could run through the streets exclaiming today a national holiday...but will hold onto that dignity.

Yes, I do realize I just told the world the status of my bowels, but damn it I'm proud.
I need a reality show....

Victory!

There are certain things about MS that I strongly dislike. The medications are high on the list. The symptoms are right up there too, and the prospect of permanent disability doesn't exactly thrill me either. But the thing that bothers me the most...more than ANY other thing...is the stupid ass saying that people with MS use. Here are just a few of my own personal pet peeves.

I have MS, if does not have ME! - (This is bullshit. I know it is supposed to be a positive sentiment, but its a lie. You and MS are a package deal, and when it comes down to the end, no matter who you are...MS will win. We dont have a treatment that is guaranteed, yes it has you...by the balls.)

MonSter -(Capitalization in the miTTLE of a woRd is obnoXIous. I doN't care if iT heLPs you PrOOve a pOInt.)

We exist to make sure it doesn't. (I call shenanigans MS society. I'm pretty sure you exist and so does MS...someone over there isn't doing their job.)

Keep us moving toward a cure. (I am the official MS Debbie Downer, but that doesn't change the fact that a cure is highly unlikely. There is no money in the cure...the last thing we cured was Polio. That's because once you cure people, they don't have to spend anymore money. We will get treatments, but that is all. And no matter how much we all move, the cure/treatments wont get here any faster.)

I am the fight against MS (Nope. Liar. You are someone living with MS. You can "fight" all you want, but it will win in the end. We can work on quality of life and other things, but if your MS decided to poke out its asshole head, its going to. No amount of little sayings and annoying ass myspace glitter banners will change that.)


Ok. Whew. Glad I got that out, I can't explain to you how much those stupid ass little sayings get to me. Maybe its just because I don't think that a saying or a glitter banner will do anything. I don't think those saying really keep morale high, and I damn sure know that they do not help me feel better physically or mentally. You can help very few things with hope pancakes and butterfly sausage.

There is one, however, that I do like:
Join the movement

This says something. Its vague yet direct. It makes a statement, it tells you what to do without all the stupid ass extra bullshit. 3 words that have so much behind it. Get involved, spread awareness, help others. A movement is a powerful thing.

Some random online dictionary defined it as "A series of organized activities working toward an objective ; also : an organized effort to promote or attain an end". That's the kind of saying I want to be behind, something that is working for the greater good, something that will produce a result.

Very few things in history get called a "movement". But some marketing genius at the MS society gave us this term to use. Spreading around a glitter banner will not spread awareness or hope for MS. Being apart of the MOVEMENT will.

p.s. Stop sending me stupid glitter banners on myspace. I HATE those damn things and I will deny every single one.

p.p.s. If you love stupid sayings and tacky glitter banners, and think I'm a total douche for talking shit about them, send me a email. Get it all out there, I'm telling you it feels good.

It is simultaneously wonderful and frustrating to have a disease that can be invisible to others. I suppose if you're going to get a disease, having one that lets you blend in with a crowd the majority of the time is a pretty great thing. While I'm sure none of us would trade our disease in for one that was blatantly out there for the world to see at all times, the invisibility of this disease can not only be a source of personal frustrations, but also serious misconception. 

So what are some of the wonderful aspects of the invisibility of my MS symptoms? If I go out and look for a new job, I don't have to tell my potential employer that I have MS. When I am out and about doing daily shit, I don't have a stamp on my forehead that reads "I have lesions on my brain". I physically appear no different than I did one year ago when MS wasn't even a part of my vocabulary. My body however is telling me otherwise, and at times I find myself uber frustrated with the fact that I feel like crap but "look so great".  

In the last four months, I feel like I have morphed into some sort of electronic gadget that's constantly plugged in. When I get off the treadmill, my legs feel like a crappy laptop trying to power on. When I'm walking my dog and decide to do a little sprint (meaning the dog is most likely chasing a cat) the legs go haywire. When I'm at work and find myself overheated, I start to lose my balance. When I get out of the shower each day, the base of my spine and the bottoms of my feet tingle for a good half an hour. These are all totally manageable symptoms in my book, because it means that I'm walking, I can see, and I can swallow my own flipping food for that matter. Manageable or not however, there are times where I just feel like complete crap, and I hit my wall. As a 27 year old who by most standards would appear as the picture of health, it can be hard to try and explain this stuff to other people.

While I don't exactly worry about trying to relay the way I feel to joe blow down the street, when it comes to my friends and family, I do want them to sort of understand where I'm coming from. I am learning however, that this is something that isn't going to happen overnight. I don't believe though that it isn't for lack of trying on most peoples part. It's just hard to understand something you don't experience firsthand. I would probably think someone was full of shit too if they told me they felt like their brain was "buzzing". Brains aren't suppose to buzz! 

Aside from feeling personally misunderstood, invisibility also plays into the whole disease being misunderstood in general. Although a lot of us share the same types of symptoms, none of us experience the disease the exact same way. Symptoms and severity range from those living with MS which is benign, to a more progressive form that can be totally disabling. There is large gaping hole between being symptom free and being in a wheelchair, which I think many of us fall into. Images of this disease in major media seem to play up the more severe and disabling aspects, which isn't exactly telling of what MS always is. People are being shown an MS they can see, and the fact is, you can't always "see" it. Although MS isn't the only disease on the block which is sorely misunderstood, I think it is important that we work to at least make sure those closest to us have a decent idea of what MS is and what it is not. We don't have to tirelessly complain, and I know it's a given that most people are probably not going to "get" how it feels to be us. I don't know how it feels to be a tomato, but I certainly know what it is. We don't have to educate the world, but I guess educating those around us might help the cause just a bit. 

I have been going to the "fitness center" diligently. I have been working my proverbial ass off.  I am in there 4 times a week, every week for the last 3 weeks. I have completely changed my eating habits. They still aren't great but I think they're much better.

I have a fruit based protein shake for Breakfast. A large lunch, essentially a salad and any other food I desire, but mostly something of the sandwich nature. I work out after work for almost 1.5 hours a session and then I go home and eat some yogurt with granola and maybe an apple or something. So, not a lot of calories, and my major intake is lunch. I kept feeling like crap after I'd get home from working out and eating a huge dinner at like 8pm so I changed it all around. It been working out great so far.....except....I'm pretty sure I'm just as fat as ever.

Now I'm not pulling the "I'm so fat" girl card. I'm seriously talking about being bigger than ever, and feeling like poop about it. The workouts I'm doing are harder than any other I've done. I'm doing them more often than I ever have, and I feel good about it and after it. The work outs are getting easier. I have not attempted that last class that made me feel like a fool again, but I will, someday. 

Now I know its only been 3 weeks. And technically, I haven't weighed myself or measured anything. My weigh in is next week. But I was hoping to feel better, and maybe, just maybe see a SLIGHT difference. I'm not totally unrealistic with my weight loss goals, and I'm taking about 75% of the steps in the right direction, but its just feeling like its not working.

I hate to "blame" MS, because I could be totally making this all up, but damn it feels like its MUCH harder to lose weight in the last two years since diagnosis. I don't think its like a mental block, but its just like something is in the way. I have found it nearly impossible to drop the weight after IVSM treatments. I feel like my MS, is like baby weight. I just can't seem to work it off.

So I have this pair of pants that I talked about yesterday. Which in 2007 were literally falling off of me. I am now wearing these pants, and rocking a serious case of a muffin top, because they are the only nice pants I own that I could even Squuueeeezzzeee myself into. Embarrassing, but hey we all know I'm here for your amusement. Putting these pants on is like the biggest reminder to keep going to the gym. I hate muffin top. I hate having shit that doesn't fit. But at the same time, is it wrong for wanting them to fit at least a little?

Can I blame this on my lazy ass? Can I blame this on my MS? Why does it feel like no matter what I do, I have a one way ticket on the weight gain train. Choo Choo.

So lets talk about how I feel like an idiot ALL THE FLIPPIN' TIME. Dana recently talked about her cog fog problems, which I can totally relate to. There are definitely times where I just cannot process a real thought, and other times where I really have to work to understand what someone is saying. I give people this "deer in the headlights" face often, but it really just means that I'm trying like crazy to follow the conversation.

I used to pride myself on being a intelligent, educated, and thoughtful person with an extensive vocabulary. However over the last 2 years or so I'm pretty sure I'm getting dumber. I have even in fact, honestly and sincerely asked a few people that I know if they think I'm getting dumber.  And it appears to be getting worse. I cannot remember things to save my life, and I have all these people I know who say things like "oh I know, I can't remember stuff either" or "i forget all the time too!". Wrong. This is different. I hate to pull the "I'm dumber than you" card but I'm gonna. You can take some ginko and remember stuff...I can't make my myelin grow back and repair the holes in my brain. I think I trump you. I win. It's different.

This morning I woke up, and remembered I had a meeting for work, one that required me to look nice and put make up on, you know to make people think I really do know what I'm talking about. Its all doom and gloom outside so I was bummed that I'd have to walk across town in the rain and my nice pants to go to this meeting with people I've never met. The meeting is scheduled for and hour and a half from now, so I started to prep myself for it. I reread the email from the coordinator about the meeting....Blah blah blah....location....time....date....  Ok got it. Thursday at 3.

Well on my planet today is Wednesday, not Thursday. I had spend all last night and this morning thinking this meeting was today. I read the very same email last night before I left work and went, ok yup, 3 on Thursday. Now this may be a fairly innocent error, could happen to anyone right? But it doesn't. It doesn't happen to everyone weekly....daily.

My boss even recently made a joke about my forgetfulness, which is when it sorta really truly hit home. People are noticing, and not only am I forgetful but its making me, a once intelligent, educated, well versed person, now look a total complete ditz. I would say its humbling, but it was humbling the first year of my disease. Cognitive issues definitely took me off my "I'm smart" high horse. Not only have I proven to myself and the world, that I am in fact not smart, but am also getting dumber.

I don't have many people in my life who let me feel sorry for myself in these instances, which is helpful. But until meeting Dana, no one understood it. No one gets whats its like to know that you're not dumb, but for everyone around you to think of you as the ditz. No one gets what its like to actually have to concentrate on normal conversations just to understand them, or what its like to write EVERYTHING down, but then still forget about it.

I write EVERYTHING down for work, otherwise I will truly walk around like an idiot. If I forget my notebook, I'm worthless. But even sometimes when I write it down, I forget. I do everything I can to stay on top of the black hole that is my brain, but it seems like no matter what I do to fight it, its getting worse.

I don't ever feel like my head is clear and focused. It feels like a case of ADD and Alzheimer's combined together. I can't focus, I can't remember, sometimes it even feels like I can't learn anything either. Having cognitive issues is one of the worst that I've ever experienced in my life. Its enough to put even the cockiest person in their place. It almost makes you feel like you don't know who you are anymore. After all, if you can't control what goes on in your head, the way you think, talk, and interact with people....who are you? You sure as hell don't feel like yourself.

So I'm getting all teary and stupid over this, but what happens when I don't remember what it was like to be me. To be a smart intelligent person who could be insightful and carry a conversation? What happens when all I am is the flaky space cadet who can't remember to put on pants every morning?

I guess everyday will be a no pants party.

So I got this invitational flyer in the mail the other day, from MS ActiveSource which is a sort of educational program run by Biogen Idec, the drug company that produces Avonex. In early April there will be an "educational event" in which my specialist Stanley Cohan will be speaking, along with author of MS and Your Feelings, (which I liked quite a bit) Allison Shadday. For some reason the thought of going to an event like this sort of freaks me out a little. If I knew that I could go and not have to talk to anyone if I didn't want to, then I think it would be great. If I was totally miserable and I knew that there would be a way for me to politely leave the building without making an ass of myself, then I would definitely go. What if I show up to this thing and I'm the only one under the age of fifty? 

Okay, so they are also trying to entice people with a free dinner. The whole dinner thing is a bit of a turn off for me. I either want foie gras or french fries, but I'm sure the meal with be some sort of unhappy medium. What would really bring in the masses would be an open bar. Who's planning this event anyway? 

On a more serious note, I have these back and forth feelings on what is positive for me in terms of learning about and dealing with MS, and what is not. I want to be an "active" participant in my disease and learn as much as I can, but going the route of "educational events" leave me sort of uneasy. I suppose this could be a little of the hermit in me, coupled with my fear of what other MS patients in the room may be like. I am selfishly afraid of going and seeing people who aren't doing as seemingly well with their disease, and just feeling deflated by it. I seriously need to get over this way of thinking, and perhaps this would help me push through that. 

I went ahead and registered for the event just in case. I sort of have this dare with myself to go. I think something like this is worth trying at least once, and the fact that my specialist is speaking along with Allison Shadday, gives it a little more pull. I suppose the worst that could happen is I go and it ends up being butt loads of propaganda trying to boost up Avonex. Or maybe I will come home feeling a little more confident or inspired somehow. I just don't know.  

Either way, I have until April 8th to decide. 

So today was my first follow up neurologist appointment since starting Avonex. I went in with a few questions written down, since I seem to space out immediately upon entering the office. It seems like everyone is zombied out, from the lady at the front desk, to the nurse, the other patients waiting in akward silence. I half read some stuff on stem cell therapy in Neurology Now, but couldn't really focus much. I just brought my copy home.

 Anyhow there was the typical exam with pins and pokes and walking and the like. My doc seems to think that I'm doing well, and I'm pretty sure I am too. I asked about the fact that there hasn't been a day since November that I haven't had any sort of symptom, be it buzzing or numbness or what have you. I asked if this was normal, as in is this what "remission" is like for me. It's different for everyone, and I know this. I am just wondering if remission for me, or for anyone, means feeling absolutely NO symptoms whatsoever for any length of time. He couldn't really answer that, and I suppose this is okay. I also asked when I would have my next MRI, and he said either if I have a worsening of symptoms, maybe in a year, or perhaps if the specialist wants one sooner.

Even though I knew going into the next question what the answer would be, I sort of wanted to know what his take would be. So, I asked if when they looked at the results of the next MRI, if they would be able to tell me if the Avonex was really making any sort of a difference. At first he said it depends on what week you ask him that question, since opinions are always changing. He then went into the schpeel about how short a time the drugs have been on the market, how we really don't know if they're helping this generation of MS patients, but there is a chance that perhaps less will be disabled, as in wheelchair bound and the like. It was the answer I expected, and I appreciated it. I know it isn't his job to feed me a line of crap, and he didn't. I was pleased.

Another one of my questions was in regards to the cognitive issues I have been dealing with. His response to this was to ask me if I was depressed, which I do understand. I realize that depression can play a huge factor in cognitive issues, but I don't necessarily think this is my issue. Understandably so, I'm not the happiest I've ever been in my life, but I'm certainly nowhere near the saddest I've ever been. I feel pretty even keel right now, especially considering the circumstances. He suggested I sit on the issue until the next appointment, and then possibly think about starting anti-depressants. While I appreciate the thought, anti-depressants are not on my list of to-do's. I have had pretty negative experiences with them in the past. I'm not writing anything off completely, but it would take a heck of a lot of depression to put me back on medication. I think the cognitive issues will be something that will probably be better addressed with the specialist, which is a-ok with me.

I didn't really come away from the appointment with anything I didn't know before, and this is just as well, and what I expected. I understand that we can't expect doctors to have all of the answers, especially when it comes to a disease like MS. In a sick and twisted way, I sort of enjoy being somewhat on par with my regular neurologist in terms of knowing what's going on with my disease. On another note, I was hoping he would redeem himself today, after my unimpressive prior visits. I am happy to say that he was the least zombie like out of everyone in the office today. I have found that just being more assertive and demanding with him seems to work a little better. I also think he appreciates the fact that I'm doing my research, and not simply relying on him for all my information.

As many of you know, I do not take any medication for my MS. I was on Betaseron for a while, but found the day-to-day symptoms outweighted the perks of the medications for me. I also have a hard time believing that they do anything for us. You can show me study after study, but there is no way to prove how many attacks a body would've had with/without the medication. I am not against medication, but I think for the money it costs, and the daily strain it sure as hell better be KNOWN to work.

Anyway, since I don't take anything, I have often looked into many clincial trials. Many I do not qualify for, and many I'm not interested in, however I did almost sign up for one but they wanted me to take too much time off work.

So, I wanted to let you all know a little more about clinical trials because I do think that if you're not on anything, you should consider a trial. Yes, it can be dangerous, but we wont get anywhere if no one tries.

Here is a brief run down of the clinical trials. ( I stole this from the National MS Society website)

The process is complicated. Many factors are involved in making sure that a study is conducted properly and that the results are valid. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration requires therapies to undergo three phases of clinical trials before they can be approved to treat people with MS:

Phase I – The first step is to determine safety. In a small number of healthy volunteers or persons with MS, the investigators determine how the human body reacts to the therapy.
(This step basically decides whether or not this medication will kill you right of the bat. Its small most likely less than a few hundred people.)

Phase II – If the therapy proves to be safe, studies begin to determine the effectiveness of the drug in people with MS. These studies may last several months or several years, and involve larger numbers of people. The study is "controlled"—that is, the drug is compared with the standard treatment, or an inactive placebo.
(This stage can involve thousands of people world wide.)

Phase III – If an MS drug shows effectiveness, an even larger study is conducted in hundreds of people to gain a better understanding of the drug’s effectiveness and possible side effects. These multi-center studies can span several years and several countries.
(This study they look for side effects and long term complications. After this Phase is completed they can apply for FDA Approval)

Phase IV
This phase is sometimes used after FDA approval to further search for benefits and complications.


There are a shit ton of MS clinical trials out there right now. I found a new one today called the Tower Study. There is also one called the Halt MS study, which is for people whose MS is totally taking over their life. In order to qualify for this one you have to know stuff about your MS that I've never even heard of and get approval from a committee. Heavy shit.

If you just google MS Clinical Trials, you can find a ton of options out there, so I won't list them all here. You can always check out the MS Society's  page for studies they're promoting. There is this site which is specifically about MS Clinical Trials. Or you can go to the mother load of clinical trials at Clinicaltrials.gov.  There is also this one which is pretty fool proof Trial.org.


Here are the "current" oral medications in clinical trials: ( I may be missing some)

Laquinimod -Currently Running two trials called ALLEGRO and BRAVO which are designed to evaluate the investigational drug laquinimod as a once-daily oral treatment for RRMS. Phase III started in late 2008.

Fingolimod (FTY720) - I think this is currently in Phase II

Mylinax - Last found info said it was in Phase III

Teriflunomide -As of Sept. 2008 it was in Phase III

BG-12 - Can't find much info other than it was in Phase II

CDP323-Results of Phase II were expected by December 2008.

There is obviously a HUGE market for an oral drug. The race is on. My money is on Laquinimod, just because its easiest to research, and join the trials. I was going to join the allegro study, which was for 2 years. So I'm guessing we'll have an oral drug somewhere around 2012. We'll see which company pulls through and what ungodly amoun they charge for the drug itself...and maybe it we're lucky our insurance companies might actually cover it.

I would have to say that my outtake on life is pretty much 100% realist. Which to many people equals pessimism. To each their own I suppose.

I read a lot of "mommy blogs" (which is weird because I kind of hate kids) and I actually really enjoy them. Recently one of my favorite mommy bloggers made a post about optimism, and how we need to spread some around. That by blogging we need to be uplifting as well as truthful. And while the inner pessimist in me disagrees, a large part of me totally thinks shes right.

So instead of another story about how having MS sucks, or how the drugs don't work, and how we're all going to be in wheel chairs and having other people wipe our asses.....today I will be positive.

If you're on myspace, I do apologize as you already know this story.

I do not take MS medications, (Rebif, Avonex, Betaseron, or Copaxone) and I have no desire to do so. I have gotten in minor disputes about this with my neurologist, but we've come to an agreement. I will wait for a pill form, because I was tired of the injections. So...our agreement includes vitamin D everyday, and yearly MRI Scans until an oral medication is available. This seems like a good deal to me. So last November or so when we made our deal, I went in for one last MRI for the year in December, and about a month ago I got the results. I called into the Dr to see what he had to say, I spoke to my favorite nurse and this is what she said. Basically, I have NO NEW LESIONS. Zero. AND...the ones that I do have are SMALLER. Am I some sort of a medical mystery?! Who knows, all I know is that without medication, I am doing just fine andin fact am improving. While I don't think I believe in blessings, if they existed this might be one.

One more ounce of good news.

I had 3 MRIs in 2008. The two that I had in the beginning of the year cost about $8,000. My broke ass clearly didn't have that laying around, so I did what I always do which is called into the hospital to set up a payment plan. The women on the phone didn't quite understand me and referred me to the St. Joe's patient assistance program. I was talking to the coordinator for the program and she told me it was a program that helps patients pay their bills...not a loan...not a payment program...but actually pays the bill. So I was like well...sign my ass up. Turns out being single, broke, and young can work out for you sometimes.  I waited along time to hear back from her, and when I called her about 3-4 weeks later she told me news that I could never....ever...have expected. St. Joe's was covering 90% of my bill. HOLY SHIT. I thanked this woman probably about 30 times and cried like a baby when I got off the phone with her. She had helped me in a way that I still don't have words for.

I recently received this bill from St. Joe's. It said the expenses at the top $8000 and some change. It showed their assistance $8000 and some change. And then it said what I owed.

$10

I owe this hospital $10, for over $8,000 in bills. I called my mom, my sister, my boyfriend, I called everyone who would understand how monumentally huge this was. I still think hospitals charge too much for these tests anyway, but I enjoyed the fact that I only owed them $10. If I ever hit it rich, I hope to give a gift like this to someone who needs it, like I did.

So today marks week seven of being on Avonex. After my horrid shot experience with week five, in which I called upon the nursing expertise of my neighbor to inject me, I am back on track as of last week. I have been practicing on an orange *almost* everyday, and I guess maybe that's helped a little. My neighbor came over both last week and this week to sit with me, and honestly, if she hadn't, I think I would have been in probably the same boat as week five. My big issue is that once I get my needle on, I sort of get it close to my leg, and freeze. Something I did a little differently today that seemed to work pretty well, was simply not looking as the needle went in. I just sort of place it where it needed to go, took a few deep breaths, and focused on the wall in front of me as I injected. My blood was definitely pumping, the heart rate was accelerated, but the longer I wait, the worse it gets. Ugh. I'm glad it's over, and next week will be the real test, since I won't have her nursing eyes here giving me the added pressure I need to just flipping do it. Overall, I do have faith in myself, I know I can do it. I think I've just mentally built it up to be this thing that's big and scary, which is strange, given the ease I had during the first few shots. Thankfully it's only once a week, which Jackie pointed out as the perk. Definitely the one and only perk.

 Tomorrow morning I go in for my first follow up since starting the Avonex. I am interested whether or not it will really be worth my time/money. I don't want to be one of those people that tirelessly complains about how useless their doctor is, but honestly, the neurologist I'm seeing right now seems pretty useless. He couldn't answer any of the questions I had for him at the last appointment. He sort of just likes to make things black and white, yes or no. He also enjoys answering questions by simply bobbing his head up and down, or back and forth. If there is anything that I have learned about MS thus far, it isn't flipping black and white. It seems to me there's an awful lot of grey area here. Acknowledgement would be nice. Anyhow, perhaps I'll go in tomorrow and he'll knock my socks off, if not with personality, then at least with some inkling of doctorly know how. I am crossing my fingers that my uber busy specialist will not re-re-schedule my appointment again, which is now set for April 14th.

 On another note, my mom dropped by out of the blue today, and she was all teary. She had been listening to Dr. Laura, whom she knows I LOATHE with a passion. There was a male caller who was 26, who called in for (ugh) Dr. Laura's advice. So he was diagnosed with MS, and he was wondering if it was right of him to continue to pursue finding a relationship, given the possibilities of disability in the future. My mom was seriously torn up after listening to this, which left me mildly depressed as well. I know that I haven't been diagnosed for very long, but I do remember the first month being the absolute worst for me, as far as fear and anxiety. I knew it would get better, and it has, although I'm by no means whatsoever "fear free" when it comes to my future. Is it possible to ever be completely free of fear when you live with a disease that can come and go, and hit you totally out of left field? I don't think so. 

Anyhow, I "secondhandly" felt super bad for this dude. Seriously, it's hard enough being an openly emotional girl, and dealing with this. Being the free spirit I am with relaying my true feelings, I really haven't been 100% open with anyone in terms of future fears, except for with my boyfriend and mom, and jackie of course. I wonder what sort of support system this guy has. If he was calling Dr. Laura for advice, I'm thinking he might need more people to talk to and confide in, and I'm not talking "internet hugs" or some crap like that. This dude needs to be heard, and needs somebody to tell him that he's totally normal for feeling the way he feels. My answer would simply be that there is no reason he shouldn't continue to pursue finding a relationship following his diagnosis. He may not find a cool chick right off the bat, who is willing to date someone with MS, but I believe he will eventually. And once he does, nothing is written in stone, MS or no MS. I don't think any of us can map out our future the way we want, in terms of the relationships we have now, and the ones that have yet to begin. We can work to make them the best they can be, and this is all we can do. I'm sure there's better advice out there, but in my sleepy Avonex haze, this is the best I can do.