Alright, so here we go. This is a relapse. Optic neuritis. Flashback to about three or four months ago, and the same damn thing happened. After some research I had a sneaking suspicion it could be ON, but I didn't call the doctor. So here we are again, same symtpoms in the right eye, just a little worse than the last time. I'd always assumed ON meant vision loss for sure, so this was part of my hesitance about making anything over it. Obviously vision loss isn't something I'm experiencing. My symptoms include pain with the movement of my little eyeball, and some loss of color. I can see just fine, which is more than phenomenal. So anyhow I decided to be a grown up this time around and call the doctor, was able to get in for an appointment yesterday, and now onto today...

Not so surprisingly, I am beginning IVSM treatments, and will have them completed in three days. The bum deal about this is that I know the steroids will probably make me feel worse than the actual relapse itself, which is super mild. However, Jackie made a good point about the importance of doing the steroids for an ON relapse just because well... I don't know. Hopefully it's cutting down on further permanent damage. She was right, the doctor was right. Off I go in about an hour here, for my first ever dose of IVSM. So I can look at this like an experiment, or something like that. Maybe the extra energy and lack of sleep will let me rock out some work in my classes? Maybe my house will be cleaner than ever by the end of the week? Or perhaps I'll just turn into the most rotten version of myself there is? We shall see. Either way, I'm rockin the roids. 

Hey all. I'm Lazy...and I'm super busy and my MS has been pretty sweet lately and not bothering me....Hence I dont have a whole lot to say here these days. Sooo..what I propose...is GUEST AUTHORS!

Anyone got anything they wanna say? Email me...and I'll post it!

I am SO comfortable in my humble job, making coffee. My job is literally my home away from home. When I have a day where my brain decides to take a backseat I can still get by. Run on autopilot. There are days where I may seem like a bit of a moron to the average customer, but the only harm in that is a small dent in what's left of my pride. What happens when I'm playing social worker? When everything I do each day isn't quite so ordinary? When I'm not just throwing some vanilla and espresso in a cup and adding some steamed milk (and a little foam) on the top?

Oh yeah, did I mention that I want to be a social worker? Yep. That's the plan anyway... 

So I'd say about ten percent of the time when I think about finally being finished with school, and moving into an actual (gasp!) career, I become a little fearful of the whole concept. What if the MS decides to act up a month or a year into having a new job? A job in which it will actually matter whether or not I have the ability to maintain some level of...I don't know, physical and mental capacity. Then again, we're only talking about ten percent "future jobbity job" fear here, so I am still functioning with ninety-percent "Woooo! I'm going to be doing something more meaningful for the human race than serving them coffee!!". What is the worst that could happen? Honestly.

I am actually working at not being totally self defeating. Especially when it comes to things I want to do with my future. I was pondering this today, thinking about how annoyingly positive I have been over the last few months. I wonder...am I being positive because I am physically, in terms of my MS, feeling pretty damn decent? Or am I feeling pretty damn decent because I'm being more positive? I only have issues with the latter. While I think being positive is definitely working for my mood, not to mention my relationships...I don't think the power of positive thinking is quite powerful enough to keep my body from eventually having a total meltdown again. 

Let's say six months from now MS decides it's time to really start fucking with me. Will I be starting right back at square one? ...self esteem into the shitter, fear and trembling over the future, woe is me city... I guess the goal then would be to make more of a conscious effort to practice all these little things that I've learned along the way this last year, and most importantly, in the last few months. As they say in alcoholics anonymous (or so I hear) I will just have to fake it 'til I make it.

I'm now also blogging for a new site dedicated to people who are going through or have gone through these surgeries I'm about to endure. If you have any interest at all in reading way too much about poop and butts....check it out here.

http://www.jpouch.net/

I thought about writing the day before my appointment about my nervousness/anticipation. I didn't.
I thought about writing the day of. I didn't.
I thought about writing the day after about my disappointment and fear and depression. I didn't.

I am writing today. Still not quite sure what I want to say, but these are the moments I dont want to forget, and just maybe, these are the moments that could possibly help someone else.

I'm calling the surgeon today to schedule my first of 3 surgeries. More than likely I'll be going through a 3 stage process of a total colectomy , which will take a total of 9 months. They will be removing my entire large intestine, and creating a new one out of my small intestine. I'll have what I'm referring to as my colosto-baby for the entirety of those 9 months. A.K.A.....a fucking colostomy bag.

Remember when I asked if it could get worse?

I knew this was a very large possibility but confirmation of it monday was just a lot to take. I cried. A lot. I threw a pity party all day though my only party guest was myself and I didn't even get cake.

My mind is swirling a bit. There is a whole lot going on up there right now. Weighing odds, and percentages vs. living life how I do now. The idea of "getting my life back" even though I'm not totally sure that it's completely lost. But the idea of having one less ailment to fight, about 10 less pills to take, 1 less injection, and regaining a sense of who I am....that does seem pretty appealing.

I'm still not sure how I'll go about telling people about this, but I've learned through my life that when you're ready to tell people it means you're ready to accept it. I gave this stupid colitis the best fight that I could, and tried to hide it as best as I could. Clearly, I lost...and I'll be spending the next flippin year of my life losing, at least in my book. But hopefully....just hopefully 2011 might be my effing year. I said that about 2010, but even though its the first week of feb...it appears as though that will not be the case. I spent a lot of time being embarrassed...instead of realizing this is a real disease and its really messed me up.

Am I optimistic?...nope. Am I pessimistic?...nope. I don't really know where I am right now. I'm stuck in this limbo, of "this is what I have to do even though I would rather remove my own eyeballs with a plastic baby spoon".

I will be crawling under a rock for a while. I will be hiding out.

p.s. Good news for you guys...now that its all official...I'll stop writing about it here...there's a new site that I'm hoping to blog for.