Monday is my Cleveland Clinic appointment with the surgeon. Oh man. I'd say send good thoughts my way...but what are good thoughts? Hopes for or against the surgery? Wishes that the medication works...or doesn't? O me! O Life!

So I was going over a rereading some of the older entries here and Dana had mentioned her date of diagnosis....and it left me wondering...am I the only person who doesn't remember the day they were diagnosed? I remember the place, the conversation all that jazz, but the date/time...no flippin idea. In fact, I'm pretty sure I tell people it was Oct 2006 but in fact may have been Sept 2006. I really have no clue. Not so ironically, the same thing goes for the Colitis diagnosis...I was definitely telling other doctors I was diagnosed in May 2009 when I'm pretty sure it was actually June 2009. I suppose being a month off isn't that big of a deal, but those specific days were not burned into my brain like many other people.

Is this a testament to how awful my memory really is? Probably not.
Is this somehow showing that I really don't care?  Not so much.
Is it some indirect form of denial? Highly doubtful

So what is it? Why don't I remember the day? Why don't I care that I don't remember the day? Honestly, I can't even theorize on this one. I got nothing. Perhaps if I would have created a catchy jingle like the one about Columbus sailing the ocean blue (1492), I could remember.

But ask me what day my dog was born? Well, dur, March 18th, 2005.

Whelp..tonight was my first shot on Methotrexate. After a pharmacy debacle and a half (get your shit together Walgreens), I did it.

I hesitated at first, and told my self to stop being a D-bag and just get it over with..so I did...

So next week I'll join the monday night shot club with Dana and Damon...help me remember to take this crap people...otherwise I'll forget..on purpose.

Now lets just sit back and relax and wait for those super sweet side effects.

edit: I guess I forgot to tell you all..whoops. Im the worst blogger EVAR!. Anyway..I was instructed my by rhuematologst to stop taking the 6-mp for my colitis and to try the methotrexate instead. Methotrexate is typically used in RA, or some form of cancers, but were going a bit off the FDA approved path here and are going to try it for my colitis. It can be used to treat crohns, so the theory is that if it works for this, I wont have to have any mayja surgeries.

edit #2: I am using 40/mg once a week. So thats 1.6 cc. I did get 4 viles however I think there might have been a mistake so I'm looking into that today. The cost for the 4 - 50/mg vials was around $25. Which is not covered by my insurance so I guess its good that its pretty cheap. The syringes were about $15 for 12. Then there is the cost of the alcohol swabs which was like $2. So Month to month I figure I'm looking at about $40. Which is not fun, and more expensive than my other prescriptions, but still do able for now.

So heres the thing about my depression. Let me know if its the same for you. I'm pretty level...numb if you will for the most part...but when something makes me sad...holy hell I'm sad. Really fucking sad. Here's the other thing...I don't want to die in my depression. I'm not so depressed that I want to end it all, I feel like I'm depressed in a different way. I just want to be happy. I keep thinking about all of the things that could/would make me happy and they all just seem so damn far away and impossible. I want to live, I just want to be happy while I'm living.

Every time I think I'm doing ok, its like something comes along and smacks me in the face. I've basically given up on my GI. I went to my rheumatologist to try to get a new game plan. He gave me one last ditch effort option before surgery. Methotrexate. An injection. Fuck.


Now I know I'm not going to get any sympathy from this crowd on injections. I've done them. I did betaseron for over a year and it sucked ass so I stopped.I have been considering Copaxone lately, but jesus, I dont want to have two injectable medications. I feel like I was mentally prepared to handle Copaxone...but not this other one. I just keep remembering all the anxiety I had before plunging the needle into one of my appendages. I could sit there easily for an hour before even moving. Just staring at the needle wishing I had the balls to just get it over with. This is something I have NO desire to revisit. Also this medication is NOT approved for colitis. My GI wouldn't even try it...

There is a giant part of me that hopes these meds fail. That way I can just get my diseased organs removed and forget about all of this. Forget my embarrassment, my pain, my medications, and my permanent attachment to bathrooms. But that's totally screwed up right? Its screwed up that I'm more willing to go under 2-3 surgeries than spend a few months on an injectable medication that might help.

I hate being a cliche. I hate being a statistic. I hate being the epitome of depression right now.

Although this does mean...I get to join the Monday night shot club with Dana and Damon. Too bad my name doesn't begin with a "D".

I keep retiring from blogging and then coming back. The difference is I am not getting million dollar contracts for returning. The truth is there has been a lot going on but nothing that has really inspired me to write. Most of my life lately has been consumed with this whole colitis thing, and this blog is not the place to talk about that...so I haven't. I'm still in the midst of debating these surgeries, and how I feel about my doctor and all that jazz. I still am rockin' along in the MS department. No major snafoos or problems and I have another meeting with my new neuro specialist in late Jan (I think). When I see him then, I think I may talk to him about starting copaxone...which I REALLY don't want to do.  But Dana and Damon have all these shot parties without me and I'm starting to feel left out....

But seriously, I'm worried that the reason I hated Betaseron so much was that it just didn't mesh well with me and that I perhaps gave up a bit too fast. I think I may give copaxone a try..but there are a lot of factors...primarily my insurance. I have a pretty high deductible and my insurance doesn't cover injectibles (awesome, I know. and totally fair as well). There is the hassle of applying for patient assistance programs...the daily shot thing...and how it will play into the other medications that I'm already on that I sorta have to take.

But if I have these surgeries, I will have to be off of this medication before the surgery takes place...and then I'll never have to take them again. Pro.  I will however have to have 1-3 surgeries to get to that point, and then I guess I'll be able to take copaxone (Con/Pro).

Ah well...perhaps I should just stop talking about it...as clearly I'm just boosting my own ego....